I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue

Listen to it here.

From the BBC Radio 4 website:

The self-styled antidote to panel games. First broadcast in 1972, this hugely popular panel game regularly features high-calibre comedians such as Stephen Fry, Sandy Toksvig, Paul Merton and Jeremy Hardy.

I've become addicted to this show. While listening, I often get a sense of "Oh, that is SO a British inside-joke," but then I eventually realize why it's funny: because everyone else is laughing. The description sums up this show well: "a self-styled antidote to panel games" followed by, in the next sentence, "this hugely popular panel game." I don't know which it is, but one of them is funny.

Upon further review, this post made no sense whatsoever.

Don't Lose Your Headlines

Google Asks Court to Extend

Enough with Google and their vague demands! Extend...a ligament? The length of a sentence? Maybe they just want the judge to stretch out his gavel arm.

US student loses free speech case

The bad news: the student lost the case.
The good news: the speech inside of it was free, so it's not like a lot of money was wasted.
I hope we find that case, though, because we're talking about a whole Bill of Right here.

At Wimbledon, a Missing Player: the Roof

That's incorrect. It was Col. Mustard, in the billiard room, with the candlestick (not the roof). Good try though. I can't really come down on this too harshly as my own Clue skills are negligible.

Victim's mom: Nothing in alleged killer cop's eyes

Are we talking about a literal piece of matter in the cop's eyes or something abstract like "menace" or "envy"? Because I think it makes a difference.

Barrasso sworn in as Senate debates divisive issues

Remember the good ol' days when the Senate would debate unifying issues? That was so much easier. Everyone was like, "Raise your hand if you are FOR family values. The ayes have it, 100-0 this measure PASSES."

First-known albino mountain goat spotted in Italian Alps

Is that so? I didn't realize albino goats could have spots and still qualify as albino. Lies!

Newsweek Poll Says We Isn't Learned Hard Enough

Newsweek claims its recent poll on general knowledge and cultural literacy generated "disheartening results." (Hat tip: dcl via Brendan) As some commentators pointed out, the survey itself misspelled Jane Austen's last name and "decided" that we are, in fact, losing the War on Terror. COME ON NEWSWEEK! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE JOURNALISTIC GAME!

His Limits

I've decided to participate in an Internet meme from The Baker Street Blog:

In the blogosphere, a standard term is "meme." According to Wikipedia, a meme is "a unit of cultural information transmitted from one mind to another." In other words, it's a conversation-starter.

Adam's Blog - a non-Sherlockian blog at that - started a Sherlock Holmes meme, which I'll continue here. The idea is to either post a comment with your responses, or post your answers on your own blog, if you have one, providing a link to this post.

In Chapter 2 of A Study in Scarlet, Dr. Watson atttempts to capture the essence of his new acquaintance for the reader by creating a list that he titles "Sherlock Holmes - his limits."

Knowledge of Literature. -- Nil.


" " Philosophy. -- Nil.


" " Astronomy. -- Nil.


" " Politics. -- Feeble.


" " Botany. -- Variable. Well up in belladonna, opium, and poisons generally. Knows nothing of practical gardening.


Knowledge of Geology. -- Practical, but limited. Tells at a glance different soils from each other. After walks has shown me splashes upon his trousers, and told me by their colour and consistence in what part of London he had received them.


Knowledge of Chemistry. -- Profound.


" " Anatomy. -- Accurate, but unsystematic


" " Sensational Literature. -- Immense. He appears to know every detail of every horror perpetrated in the century.


Plays the violin well.


Is an expert singlestick player, boxer, and swordsman.


Has a good practical knowledge of British law.

So, on with our meme!

1) What is something you know practically nothing about?

Finance

2) What is something where your knowledge is weak?

Mathematics

3) What is something you know just enough about to get by?

Music of the past 40 years

4) What is something where you have a profound depth of knowledge?

UFOs, presidential trivia, Sherlock Holmes canon, college football

5) What is something that you do even though you don't do it well?

Viola

6) What is something you are expert at?

The Diabolo

What about you? What are your limits? If you have a blog, please post these questions and link back to this post; if you don't have a blog, I welcome comments.

Headlines

"Irish QB Clausen has medical procedure on elbow"
Will he still be able to fit into his jersey? I just hope it isn't noticeable. I don't really know how big a medical procedure is, but I would not want it hanging off my elbow like that.

"Police smash global pedophile ring"
They had previously tried throwing it into the fires of Mt. Doom, but were able to cut a few corners when one cop had an idea.

"Iraqis assure Bush progress being made"
It's pretty bad when one of the most unstable places in the world is in charge of helping our president.

"Bush has a rainy Father's Day"
Strangely, other fathers in the area have come forward reporting the same phenomenon.

"Caverns to remove exotic fish from pond"
The caverns are just going to blast them out. Everybody stands back when the caverns decide something has to go. Did the caverns consult environmental experts about this little plan? I assume the caverns share some kind of hive mind that enables them to make big decisions about the ecosystem.

"Red shrimp said may threaten food chain"
Red Lobster said to be first on his list. I'm not as worried about the food chain as I am about what else that red shrimp will threaten to do.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)

Things You Didn't Know About Paul!

My good friend Paul Nguyen had these interesting facts about himself in his AIM profile. Enjoy:

Things You Didn't Know About Paul!

- In High School, Paul was among the top 3% of math students, competed in the high school math "Superbowl" and other math invitationals.

- In College, Paul received "D"s both semesters of calculus.

- In High School, Paul performed Shubert's Unfinished Symphony with his orchestra to win a Grammy for most outstanding music program.

-In College, Paul performed in the Notre Dame Symphony Orchestra only to fall asleep (while playing his violin) during rehearsals.


I can verify the college facts. I should also point out that he was still hitting most of the notes while falling asleep in rehearsal. Incidentally, Paul has been offered a position as a Senior Staff Writer for Caught on the Bound.

"You'll Be Hooked on the Brothers!"

Like some kind of soul-destroying drug.

The Bookshelf

I think I have one of the strangest bookshelves. Here are some of the titles I currently find staring at me:

Scams, Shams, and Flimflams: A History of Hoax
The Boy Scout Handbook (1962 edition)
The Oxford English Dictionary
Classic Sitcoms
East, West by Salman Rushdie
George Orwell: A Collection of Essays
The Classic Fairy Tales
Conspiracies and Cover-Ups
A Call to Conscience: The Landmark Speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
A General Theory of Love
A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Presidential Anecdotes
Crime and Punishment
Unexplained Phenomenon
The Lives of Great Composers
Central Middle School Yearbooks 1997
Computers Simplified
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Chess
The Encyclopedia of World War II
The Lord of the Rings trilogy
The Radicalism of the American Revolution
Faster Reading - Self-Taught (this is a 500 page book from 1979)
Players of Cooperstown: Baseball's Hall of Fame
The Comedy Thesaurus
The Three Theban Plays, Sophocles
A Window on Williamsburg
The Complete Sherlock Holmes, Vol. II
Human Genetics
The Vital Guide to Fighting Aircraft of World War II
The Hound of the Baskervilles
Roughing it, Mark Twain
Shogun, James Clavell
several World Almanacs
Surfacing, Margaret Atwood
The Kodansha Kanji Learner's Dictionary
Hamlet
Vindication, Lyndall Gordon, biography of Mary Wollstonecraft
MLA Handbook
Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami
Intermediate Japanese for Advanced Speakers and Late Beginners (OK, I made up the last six words)
Mythology, Edith Hamilton
The Magic Handbook
Pride and Prejudice
1984
The Worst Case Survival Handbook: First and College Editions, I also see Travel up there
Snow White, Blood Red
A Passage to India, E.M. Forster
The Shadow Lines, Amitav Ghosh
Waiting for the Barbarians, J.M. Coetzee

My interests are whimsical and ridiculous. Far from being widely-read, I find myself to be increasingly narrowly-written. Caught on the Bound interns are picking that phrase apart.

Some of these titles don't even make sense to me. I don't even know anything about baseball or Cooperstown. And I'm pretty sure that Computers Simplified book comes from 1989, which would explain the title. That old Boy Scout Handbook is quite amusing. An excerpt:

"So keep your mouth shut and the passage through your nose clear. Always blow your nose gently and one nostril at a time, never both together. If you have trouble breathing through your nose, let a doctor take a look at it."

Yes, not being able to breath is one of the tell-tale symptoms of.....uh....death. I can imagine some irate scoutmaster shouting at those Tenderfoots trying to blow both nostrils at once. "You'll never make Eagle, Smith! You were a Tenderfoot yesterday and you'll be a Tenderfoot tomorrow!"

Another excerpt, from the inevitably hilarious "From Boy to Man" section:

"There are boys who do not let nature have its own way with them but cause emissions themselves. This may do no physical harm, but may cause them to worry. Any real boy knows that anything that causes him to worry should be avoided or overcome. If anything like this worries you, this is not unusual - just about all boys have the same problem. Seek the correct answer to any question which bothers you about your development from boy to man. But be sure to get your information from reliable sources - your parents, your physician, your spiritual advisor."

Yes, I suppose there is a lesson to be learned. Little Johnny took nature into his own hands and now he is worried! I like the vagueness of "worry" but I think a better word might be "guilt-ridden" or "dirty dirty filth" or "happy." What do they do if there is physical harm? I believe the answer to that is also "worry." We also know that "any real boy" knows to avoid worrying. Don't let those fake or imitation boys fool you.

I have a question about my development from boy to man: What was this whole paragraph about? Worrying about "emissions"? Sounds like a concern for the EPA or NASA.

I think I might make excerpts from this old Boy Scout Handbook a regular thing.

19th-Century Weapon Found in Whale

A 19th-century bomb lance fragment was found in a whale caught off the coast of Alaska. I didn't even realize whales could live that long. If I caught a whale that old, I think I might consider throwing it back.

UPDATE: Sorry, I just had to interject in this one-sided conversation because I can't get my mind off the idea that someone shot a "bomb lance" into this whale, who we will now call Hector for compassion purposes. A bomb lance is a device that is shot into the whale with a time-delay fuse meant to explode after penetration. This seems better suited to zombie attacks or slime molds attacking Cleveland than for stout-hearted Hector (remember, that's his name now). What's even more impressive is that Hector apparently shook off this exploding harpoon and went on living for a hundred or so more years! Hector is a bowhead whale, a species found only in Arctic waters. Sorry, I didn't know any other way of ending that paragraph.

I also find it funny that whenever an AP article is talking about something old, like a tortoise or Hector, they always have to give the RBH Index: how old something is relative to the administration of President Rutherford B. Hayes, who has assumed the role of standard 19th-century age marker. Since Hector was a contemporary of fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, I would say he was about 2.1 GigaHolmes old.

That makes no scientific sense whatsoever. Poor Hector. We hardly knew thee...mainly because we were all born at the whale tail-end of your ridiculously long life. Sometimes 130 years just isn't enough time.

Ancestral Names

I had a chance to do some genealogy research for kicks the other day, and discovered that a lot of my ancestors have GREAT names. Here below are some of their first names, and my best guess as to what they were like.

E.P. - No-nonsense sort of guy, very busy, didn't even have time to spell out first name

Bertha - Derived from an old German word meaning "bright," so...bright?

Ludmila - Slavic Olympic gymnast or figure skater

Minnie - What is this short for? Minerva? Likely an Animagus or mouse. Or both.

Vaclav - Vampire. I am so tempted to put "Count" before his name.

August - His favorite month was April and...um...well, his name is August ok?

Johann - Was probably famous.

Johann - I have three great-great-great-some sort of great-grandfathers named
Johann. What else do I have to say?

Johann - Must have been kind of confused when he went to family reunions.

And just for kicks, following my paternal line as far back as I can, the first names are as follows:
Me>Robert>Maurice>Edward>Edward

And the maternal line:
Julie>Theresa>Ludmila>Julia

And somewhere in my ancestry:
Johann>Johann>Johann

Futurama - Three Hundred Big Boys

One of my favorite scenes from the Futurama episode Three Hundred Big Boys, in which Fry finishes off 100 cups of coffee:

Now Hiring: Sworn Enemy/Villain/Antagonist/Criminal Mastermind

Alright, here's the deal. Caught on the Bound has been around for some time now. Big proverbial whoop, right? Captain Picard has been around for a while. So has Sherlock Holmes. And Jesus! (varies depending on beliefs, see local religious leader for details) Even Dave Thomas's spirit lingers on every time we visit Wendy's. But these guys were interesting. More interesting than Caught on the Bound. Why? Because they had ENEMIES. Would Picard be as cool without the Borg? Sherlock Holmes had criminal mastermind Prof. Moriarty to foil, and Jesus had Satan. Even Dave Thomas had Colonel Sanders to glare at across advertising space (OK, maybe not so much...Sanders encouraged Thomas to open his own chain of restaurants....).

The point is, Caught on the Bound has no menacing antagonist who will wreak havoc upon the site. I need someone to vilify, to revile, an evil thing, a villain and other words containg "vil" as well! So let me know if you have it out for me or this site. You might just have yourself a new career as Caught on the Bound In-House Criminal Mastermind.

Déjà Vu: The Endgame

It looks like scientists have finally pinpointed the cause of déjà vu. It took me a while to sort through all of this pop science mumbo jumbo, but from what I've been able to discern, déjà vu occurs when the brain fails to note the distinction between two very similar situations. You know, like the distinction between the situation of being offered a nice job and the situation of spending most of your time updating a blog that maybe 20 people read.

Jaded cynicism aside, this is remarkable to me. I've always been intrigued by "common mysteries" like this. I hope MIT eventually completes a conclusive study regarding where the other sock vanishes off to in the dryer or why cargo is sent by air or sea and shipment is sent by car. You know what else would be nice? Someone proving that UFOs are a real thing and not some crackpot conspiracy theory. That would be excellent. One of the CotB interns just had to wipe up some of my drool off the keyboard.

What mysteries would you like to see solved? Or at least partially explained away? Comment!

CotB Breaks Into Coveted Cyprus Market

NICOSIA, Cyprus - For fledgling website Caught on the Bound, the news couldn't be better. On Friday, the small, independent, yet mob-connected blog received its first visit from the Eurasian Mediterranean island nation of Cyprus.

"I don't think you understand how it feels to be visited by someone from Cyprus until you actually see, with your own eyes, the little Cyprus flag appear on your visitor statistics. Unbelievable" said long-time Editor-in-Chief and widely-known exaggerator Kevin Curran.

"For a while there we were just putzing along, throwing up these weird posts about videos for days of the week and some sort of hit piece on the editor's shoes. Now, we have Cyprus!" said one underpaid and partially nonexistent Caught on the Bound intern.

In recent months, the blog has received visitors from exotic locales such as Mexico, Portugal, UK, Spain, and Connecticut.

"Sure, go ahead and chalk up some of those visits to mis-clicks and accidental viewings, but you can't deny..." said Curran, his voice trailing off into what his employees call 'some sort of Coca-Cola-induced La-La Land.'"

With Cyprus being the birthplace of the well-received goddess of beauty and love, Aphrodite, the Caught on the Bound employees were visibly excited by the news. "Hey, I don't know about you, but I am all FOR any island that's the site of where Uranus' genitals were cast into the sea by his son Kronos causing extensive foaming action and birth" said Curran, interrupting an answer by one of his interns, who explained that he may have confused this legend with frog mating procedures.

Friday I'm In Love

So Monday was High Fidelity, Tuesday was a shot of the Rolling Stones, Wednesday I skipped, Thursday I forgot about until now...Friday. The Cure.

The Tim Tang Test

Give it a shot. I got to level 6 or 7 before realizing that my life was slowly melting away. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into other units of time, space-time was warped, and my dinner was cold.

It's a URL-changing game, in which the answer to each puzzle becomes part of the URL for the next one. This stuff gets really hard really fast - be prepared to Google and/or end all prior life engagements you may have had. I'm currently reintroducing myself to my mother. There's a Facebook group, as well.

As for me, I've had my fill of it, but give it a shot. Let me know if you break into the ranks of the elite. As Dr. Watson once said of his friend, Sherlock Holmes, "Internet games are his only vice, that poor sorry son of a b--"

That was made up. The Sherlock Holmes part. Maybe. It could be a puzzle! Wow, it's late.

Eddie Izzard - Lust for Glorious

Scott Niedermayer Takes the Cup (May or May Not Give It Back)

Since the Anaheim (once Mighty) Ducks are both the closest NHL team to my home, as well as the team that I have followed and seen the most, I feel it only right to reflect on their first Stanley Cup win. Specifically, this sick picture of Scott Niedermayer doing the mandatory "hoist" of the ridiculously oversized Cup.

Adding to the epic feel of the whole thing is the streaks of gray in his beard. Here's a man who's been around the rink a few times - a seasoned veteran of his sport. It almost looks like he's screaming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" like some kind of padded, maniacal Gandalf. I'm sure Niedermayer is glad to get the Cup back from the damn punk kids who had it before him, even though he's won a number of them himself. As I stare at this picture even more intently, it looks like Niedermayer might be thinking "What if I drop this thing? Will that tarnish my legacy?"

In any case, these Ducks, despite the name change, are, at least for now, quite Mighty.

Photo Credit: (AP PHOTO/CP, Paul Chiasson)

Ruby Tuesday

Since there was a Monday video yesterday, it seems only fitting to have a Tuesday one. I couldn't stop a few outbursts of laughter during this (I think it was the big white hat): Ruby Tuesday

Recon at Rushmore

I enjoyed these tidbits about Mt. Rushmore; check it out.

I've always liked how Washington and Jefferson look sort of like a two-headed Founding Father monster. Roosevelt plays it cool and Lincoln is enjoying his extra space. Or something.

Bad ND Daddy

From the excellent Notre Dame blog The Blue-Gray Sky, Bad ND Daddy.

Sheet of Writing Paper = Lazy Dog

This is one of the most ridiculous and pointless proofs I've ever read:

Theorum: A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Q.E.D.

Now, when someone tells you that a sheet of paper is not a lazy dog, you'll have this silver bullet in your barrel. I think a part of my logic died after posting this.

Monday Morning Got You Down?

This should pick you up - Monday morning at Championship Vinyl:

Your Room - Episode VI

The Shoes

During my recent trip to San Francisco, I noticed that the beat-up, decrepit, raggedy shoes I was wearing told a fantastic story of travel, adventure, and romance. The Shoes were purchased in the autumn of 2004, in October, if memory will back me up here. It was a time of change! Of revolution! My sophomore year of college was underway and my old pair of shoes were overworn. And so it came to pass, that on an overcast October afternoon, I found my way to the University Park Mall in Mishawaka, Indiana to buy this pair of K-Swiss.

They were good shoes. Comfortable, well-liked, always had something interesting to say at parties. Even my girlfriend approved! Since then, these Shoes have seen quite a bit. Some highlights:
-University of Notre Dame (a number of football games as well)
-Chicago, IL
-Denver, CO
-Omaha, Lincoln, Grand Island, NE
-Iowa (some gas station)
-Dallas, TX (airport)
-Las Vegas, NV
-Ohio
-Pennsylvania
-New Jersey
-St. Louis, MO
-Grand Rapids, MI (Weezer/Foo Fighters concert)
-New York, NY
-Southern California (LA, SD, OC)
-San Francisco, CA
-Phoenix, AZ (2006 Fiesta Bowl, too)
-London, Bath, Stratford, Canterbury, Dover, Oxford (UK)
-Paris, France
-Dublin, Galway, Waterford, Kilkenny, Shannon, Ring of Kerry (Ireland)

Now, with the soles worn through, the heel indistinguishable from air, and the brilliant white color now turned a grayer shade of shale, I feel the time has finally come for their permanent retirement (which I had previously attempted twice only to be tempted back into wearing them). Plus, my girlfriend isn't too keen on their manginess. These shoes carried me across bridges, heaved me up the Eiffel Tower, steadied my foot on slippery slopes in Ireland and Golden Gate Park, gave me hope where there was fear, circled me around many a block in many a city, and now sit at the foot of my bed, ready to be entombed. Thank you, Shoes, from the bottom of my weary soles.

Posts to Resume Sunday

That is all.

Step Away from the Vehicle

I think the car alarm's time has come and gone. There was a time, I think, when it was a useful device. You'd be walking across the parking lot, hear a horrific cacophony, and immediately think "Trouble! Where's my utility belt and cape?!" You KNEW something was not right in the world of automobile possession.

Now, whenever you hear a car alarm doing its ear-rupturing sound cycle, you think "Will someone turn that damn thing off?" Car thieves have no reason to be afraid when that thing starts going off. Everyone is just sitting in their apartments turning up the TV or muttering under their pillows. Or if you are outside and hear the alarm, you just shake your head and feel proud that you trust your own car to look after itself.

So in that split-second when the car alarm was actually useful--you know, when people thought it was different and groovy, like "peace" in the 60s or "war" in the 2000s--the car alarm had a place in the dangerous criminal underworld as a protector of all that was steel, wheels, and yours. I lament the passing of the Car Alarm Era and shed some kind of metaphorical tear as we toss it into the Irrelevant Bin. Requiescat In Pace. Dona nobis pacem. Other Latin phrases of varying relevance, as well.

You know who I hate?

Bigots.

So, what are your plans?

Every recent college graduate faces this inevitable, annoying yet well-intentioned question. It's even more annoying when your plans aren't exactly figured out in any concrete way. Usually, people will ask me, "Did you like Notre Dame?" to which I reply, "Yes." The next question is the one that lends itself to the title of this post. My answer: "Well, I hope to work for a year or two before possibly heading to grad school." Seems like a safe, non-revealing answer to me. It's also what everyone else is planning on doing, I think.

I wish, just once, that one of these conversations would go something like this:
"Did you like Notre Dame?"

"Nope. Definitely wasted four years of my life. Oh sure, I learned a lot and had fun, but what a dump! I saw a dry patch of grass once. And have you seen our football team in big games recently?"

"Right...sorry to hear that, SO! What are your plans?"

"(I choke on my champagne) Um, yes, well, uh, planning limits one's options. I'll be finding myself in the big wide world. Which means pshaw to jobs. That's for the establishment. I intend to bum around the house vigorously until chance places a golden opportunity in my lap!"

"Oh...I see." (Thinks: Idiot, should have majored in business)

Close, But No Cigar

Cigar Aficionado has this to say to the U.S. Treasury Department regarding fans of Cubans (cigars, that is):

"Stop wasting our time and money chasing cigar smokers"

Now, I can see the interest Cigar Aficionado might have in Cuban cigars. Without them, there's no gold standard for smokable finery. It would be like banning French wine (which some hissy-fitters have tried to do since the whole War on Terror thing) or Russian vodka or American Snickers bars. As an occasional cigar-smoker, I'd love to try a Cuban before I die, so long as occasional doesn't turn into "chain" and I get puffed out in a cloud of irony-flavored smoke.

Could Cigar Aficionado really come out and say, "Hell yes on the embargo with Cuba! We're fine smoking every other cigar in the world, even if it means ignoring the avowed and acclaimed center of what we love! To hell with cigars, up with politics!" I submit that they could not.

In other related news, I stumbled upon the origin of the phrase, "Close, but no cigar." whilst perusing a Dictionary of English Idioms that I just happened to check out at the library by accident.* There is some dispute. Some claim that the phrase originated in the practice of gentleman buying a cigar for good luck on a bet with the intention of smoking it after the bet was won. A lost bet would be close, but no cigar. Others, however, claim that the phrase comes from early 20th century fairground stalls which would award the stogies as prizes. Also, tobacco isn't good for you.

Laws of Our Universe

Amara's Law
We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.

Benford's Law of Controversy
Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available.

Clark's Law
Sufficiently advanced cluelessness is indistinguishable from malice.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives (corollary to Murphy's Law)
Anything that can go wrong, will--at the worst possible moment.

Godwin's Law
As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.

Hofstadter's Law
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hutber's Law
Improvement means deterioration.

Martin's Law
The higher up the management ladder you go, the more disconnected from reality you are.

Meyer's Law
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple. For instance, observe this explanation I am adding. It's meaningless, purposeless, and while being about twice as long as the adage itself, it leads back to it.

Murphy's Law
Anything that can go wrong, will.

Parkinson's Law
Work expands so as to fill the time for its completion.

Segal's Law
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Got any others?

Answers to Questions of the Week

In response to the questions of the week:

jtg asks: Where did the name "Caught on the Bound" come from?

My great-grandfather, Edward P. Curran owned and edited a small-town Nebraska newspaper, which he then sold to my grandfather who continued in the same capacity. During this time, my great-grandfather penned a popular weekly column entitled "Caught on the Bound." I used, with approval from some older family members, the title of the column for my blog to continue the spirit and tradition of the original.

I try to make this blog an entertaining/informative site rather than a strict record of my personal life.

Mike asks: Is that the Riddler?

In the previous post for question of the week, yes. I was intrigued by the way he apparently walks around with these giant question marks in his hands. How does he get the dot part to float?

minus the sunshine band asks: What's your problem?

Internet access for the most part, with a little bit of free time.

Send in your questions! Use the comments below to ask one!

Of Mites and Men

So that's a dust mite. According to my friend Heather:

So the Peter Saarsgard lookalike at Sit and Sleep today was telling me about dust mites...but he mentioned that they live in feather pillows and in the span of one month the weight of a pillow can double because of the dust mites living off of the dead skin cells in the pillow...now imagine this being said in Peter's voice yet I still bought a mattress from him

Um, sleep tight.

How do people figure this stuff out?

From the This Will Have Zero Impact on Your Life Department:

GO HANG A SALAMI

backwards is

I'M A LASAGNA HOG

You just read the first one backwards to confirm it didn't you? Why can't you just trust me for once? Sure, I blog about Captain Planet and Coke II and all kinds of wonderfully irrelevant things, but come on, trust me just this once. I'm going to get a cup of coffee and I'm going to drink that coffee. Not enough for you?

A MAN, A PLAN, A CANAL, PANAMA!

Reverse it.

You knew that one, right?

Happy 90th Birthday Fr. Hesburgh

You crazy go-getter you!

1995 Nebraska

Worst. Buy. Ever.

Shady dealing at Best Buy.
Which is weird because they claim to be the best buy but, well, maybe they're not?

Question of the Week

Caught on the Bound's inaugural Question of the Week comes from my Mom:

You have a website?

Yes. Thank you, Mom. Now that I think about it, she could have just been making a statement with a raised voice at the end.

Have a question? Submit it to Caught on the Bound! Just use the comments for this post to submit.

Wikipedia and the New Truth Generation

The scourge of academia. The truth. The open contribution. The over-generalization.

Wikipedia has become the go-to source for all matters from the trivial tidbit to the dissertation footnote-worthy. Facebook has a group entitled "If Wikipedia Says, It Must Be True..." and it just might be, whatever "it" is.

A lot of academics (professors frustrated that students can become well-versed overnight in what took them years to study) say that Wikipedia is unreliable, unsourced, and a leading cause of cancer. To some degree, I believe this is true. The real substance in Wikipedia, however, isn't in the details, but the ability to get a gist of some complex ideas and be able to converse about them almost instantaneously. It's as if some research team compiled a briefing on every topic of interest in the universe for you.

For example, if someone brings up the poetry of Rudyard Kipling in a conversation with me, I'll remember the Wikipedia page I read last month on his poem, "If--" and how some consider it to be a mere list of aphorisms strung together, rather than any expression of inspirational sentiment. Also, that someone would rip the pocket-protector out of my Poindexter-brand shirt and smash my face apart for being such a smartass.

Wikipedia is a good way to become familiar with a subject and a lot of the views people have held or hold about it. In fact, Wikipedia might just be the Truth. Here at the CotB office, we tell our employees to only use Wikipedia. We've already tossed out the Funk & Wagnalls, Rand McNallys, Farmer's Almanacs, ___ for Dummies guides, Chicken Soup for the ____'s Soul books, and Encyclopedia Britannicas that adorned our plastic Target-brand bookshelves.

Our Truth is not the one our grandparents knew, which was accurate, but limited. Ours is expansive and riddled with glaring contradictions, yet somehow, I wouldn't have it any other way.

HaloScan Comments

Easier commenting. Have at it. I encourage frequent and unceasing comments on any post you like. I want discussion! Controversey! Heresey! Other words ending in "sey" as well! Go on, be a sport! Take a chance! Columbus did and look what he found!

Panera Bread (awww)

Panera Bread bakery/cafe/restaurants dot this fine land of ours, but part of it baffles me. Before I begin, I am contractually obligated by a few friends from St. Louis to mention that Panera Bread began as St. Louis Bread Co. before the Panera name was introduced when the chain was franchised nationwide.

Anyways, I'm sure most of us have had a conversation like this at some point in our hunger-driven lives:

Guy: I'm hungry, where should we eat?
Girl: I don't really care, you decide. (Thinks: He's the guy, why the hell should I decide? Although, I would like to...nah, I'll let him deal with it)
Guy: Well, there's McDonald's, uh, KFC, um....I think that's a grease factory...oh, no, it's a Denny's...
Girl: I really don't care. (Thinks: I care.)
Guy: Hmmm, there's Panera...
Girl: Awwww....Panera!

Every girl I've ever encountered has invariably done some sort of coo, aww, sigh, or affectionate moan at the mention of Panera. Does Panera have some effect on uteri or chest curviness that I don't know about? Are soup and paninis really that life-changing? Any field research on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Caught on the Bound will launch its own investigative investigation.

One keen observer has suggested that girls are attracted to Panera's food AND the fact that they put it on actual plates. For a while, I thought this was a worthy consideration. I have since dismissed that notion as wholly stupid. Someone help me out here. I don't get why Panera elicits that female response.

Awww.

The Elements of Style

My first read of the summer, if you can call it that with school still technically in session, was a delightfully slim volume, The Elements of Style. Originally written by English professor William Strunk Jr in the 1930s, the book has seen constant updates and edits over the years, most notably by one of Strunk's pupils, E.B. White, who we know as the author of Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web. White had a thing for writing about talking things that creep and crawl, apparently. I'm sure he finally threw down The Elements of Style one day during an edit and said, "F--- it. I'm making a spider talk."

The Elements of Style is the witty tale of a language and its hunt for a functional yet engaging means of writing. Our protagonist, Grammar, sets out with a few Elementary Rules of Usage as Strunk and White eagerly, even sarcastically, hurl obstacles in its path. With A Few Matters of Form and some Misused Words and Expressions sprinkled in, the plot climaxes with a thrilling Approach to Style, in which our heroes face the deepest and darkest recesses of the English language.

Although the story felt underdeveloped at some junctures, the endearing and memorable characters buttress this little book with a lofty goal, and give the reader some divine revelations about the written word. It's a tale sure to bring out the nonrestrictive modifier in all of us.

Hamlet: A Happening

Ben Franklin once said, "Originality is the art of concealing your sources."

By the way, I, uh, just plucked that from the top of my head and definitely didn't steal it from the quote of the week in my planner. Ben would be proud of me, I'm sure.

Whenever I sit down to write a paper, I always have to sort out all of the ideas in my head; or, convince myself that I have ideas about a subject when I really, in actuality, do not. Once I do finally sit down to write, however, I sometimes wonder just how original my thoughts are. Did I just summarize something my professor said? Didn't some other scholar think of this before me? Did I just take an established theory and change one small detail to make it sound hip and groovy? The thought of it all can be paralyzing.

I think I'm going to start writing papers like this:

"Hamlet: A Happening

Hamlet was a wild play! The story begins with the sighting of a ghost. Naturally, this leads the characters to engage in page after page of dialogue (a hallmark of Shakespeare's work; characters that is). Hamlet does a lot of wild shit primarily to mess with people out of sheer boredom. Alternative theories suggest he did it to avenge his father's death, but what is this, 'The Lion King?' In conclusion, no one really needed to die, but they all did anyway. Denmark was confused, but glad the play was over."

I only hope I concealed my sources well enough.

Eddie Izzard - St. Paul's Letters

Off the Top

My trips to the barber are always a fine mix of inevitable desperation and forlorn dread. For some reason, my barber can never take off just the right amount of hair. I don't doubt that he knows what that right amount is, because every time I get a haircut from him, he takes off exactly 3/4 inch more than that amount. Without fail.

"How would you like it cut, today?"
"About this much, I really don't want it too short, don't want anyone to know I was here," I'd often say, trying to strike the right tone between normal conversation and the demanding decree a customer is entitled to.

"Alright, so just a haircut," he'd say.

"Well, yeah, but not too short."

"I know what you mean," he'd wink, "a haircut."

This was not some secret Masonic communication indicating that I in fact wanted my head shaved bald. I wanted a reasonable haircut--one that people would look at and say "Oh, looks nice!" rather than "Oh! You got a haircut!"

This exchange has been going on for almost four years, from the time I first arrived at college. Now, with graduation in two weeks, I face the task of once again visiting the barber. We'll likely reminisce about the few hours we spent together in that little barbershop. We'll talk of all the weather patterns we observed, the elections we saw determined, and the incremental price increase he "was sorry" to impose upon his regular customers as the last few years went by. I'll enjoy all of this, I'm sure; I just hope I don't have to, well, get a haircut.

CotB To End

This will be the last official post for Caught on the Bound. At least, in this form. I know the blog has been kind of defunct for several months now, but you'll be able to read a new version of it on The Onion's website starting in June! Now I'm getting paid to do this junk!

Abbey Road

During my stay in London last summer, several of us managed to put this together. We only lived a few blocks away from Abbey Road and the studio where the Beatles recorded the album of the same name in 1969.

For the record

I was wearing shorts.

Your Room - Episode V

No Seriously, Where Has COTB Been?

A lot of people (three) have been asking me why Caught on the Bound has been defunct for a while (yeah, since like October). I don't think I have an easy answer for that (he just didn't post, mainly because school was so time-consuming), but I'd like to think that it was because I only wanted to post if I had quality material to give you (he did, but he was just lazy). After much thought (one random idea he had in the shower), I've decided that it's much better to just keep posting (making stuff up) than to leave countless (8) readers hanging for so long. So there you go (he hopes this smooths things over, but he's not so sure).

New Year Resolved

So I guess we'll call those missing last few months Caught on the Bound's "Lost Weekend" if that's cool with everyone. In other news, Caught on the Bound is back in a big way. We've upgraded our staff from 0 to 1, installed a new coffeemaker to ward off those half-a-year-long bouts of writer's block, and fully upgraded our facilities (yay for roofs). You know, it's like Mark Twain always said, "you can take a blog down for a few months, but you can never stop writing in your head." Incidentally, we're also looking at getting some fact-checkers. So get ready for 2007. There will never be another year called it.

(Brief shout-out: Heather! John!)

Regarding What Exactly the Hell Happened With the Updates

I found this site a few days ago on Google and, to my surprise, realized that it was my own. I better update more.

Your Room - Episode IV

Your Room - FAQ

I've been getting a lot of questions about these Your Room shorts, so here's a list of those most frequently asked:

When were these things made?

Sophomore year at college, so 2004-2005ish.

Why are they being released now?

Because YouTube has made it possible.

Are these shorts scripted?

No, we don't really know what we're ever doing or when Paul will start rolling the camera. We have to be ready and so does the room.

I don't get it.

What is there to get?


These things have proven to be pretty popular based on the feedback I've been getting, so maybe we'll start a new production run soon. Thanks everyone!

Your Room - Episode III

Insomniasleep

I can't sleep and I'm pretty sure I won't even remember posting this at 2:14 AM PDT. I tried counting sheep but that turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Couldn't find a single one. So then I tried imagining each sheep, but this became difficult when I started to assign each sheep an individuated (is that a word?) personality. Like one sheep was kind of shy, another was grieving over the state of world affairs, and another thought it was Daniel Day-Lewis. Then there was the whole issue of the physics involved in sheep jumping over my bed. So now I'm here telling you all about it. Alright, that should be enough to get me to fall asl 43wqu9 nn,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Your Room - Episode 2

Your Room continues....with candy and ramen!

Cheers, Everybody!

David Copperfield Discovers Fountain of Youth

I never thought it would happen.

"I've discovered a true phenomenon," he told Reuters in a telephone interview. "You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again. ... Bugs or insects that are near death, come in contact with the water, they'll fly away. It's an amazing thing, very, very exciting."

I'm sure we all have our questions, but I'm going to skip some of the more obvious ones and jump to this: "bugs or insects near death?" How did he just "happen" to find bugs or insects near death? There's no denying it: Copperfield ordered a hit or two. I can just see the 50 year-old Copperfield outside on his hands and knees picking up ants and throwing a crowbar to a leg or six. I hope PETA gets on this and raises some sincere, loving, tender hell.

But really, what is Copperfield up to? It's an amazing thing. Very, very exciting. Kind of. We'll see (we won't).

Indie Snobbery: Turning It Up

contributed by Kyle Curran

“Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”

-Rob Gordon High Fidelity

Indie music snobs unite!...or don’t actually. Indie snobs are essentially so hip to particular music scenes that to see At the Drive-In back together and the second Mars Volta album erased from existence, Ted Leo play an acoustic session with a resurrected Elliott Smith (that’s two l’s and two t’s by the way, n00bs), Weezer rehire Matt Sharp and fire Rick Rubin as producer, or to have Ben Gibbard ditch Death Cab completely and switch to keyboard forever would blow their minds. But to the point: I was forced hired by my brother (the guy who let a stuffed bear run the website for a week) to write a bit on indie music snobbery. By all standards, I could (will) definitely lose all credibility in the indie world for even taking on such a project or even identifying certain artists as “indie” in the first place.

Let’s be honest though. We all have some idea of what indie is, and most people with half a brain (and maybe those on a decent drug regiment) can tell you it’s not a genre. The word indie implicitly means Artist X is on an independent label or at the very minimum, a subsidiary of a label on the verge of being major. However, this definition tends to also include artists who USED to be on an independent label (hence the reason we have what some people call “sell-outs”). So there you have it. Or do you? Of course not.

Rule #1 You’re never legit enough.

No matter what you know or think you know about listening to good music (yes, you have to know how to properly listen to music- see Rule #5 part ii.), you never know enough artists or enough about them (this includes origins, side projects of all- if any- members, career highs and lows, familiarity with all albums, or how to properly discuss an artist or particular album). For example, you can’t bring up Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots without first appreciating the older, rawly psychedelic Flaming Lips sound and eventually identifying The Soft Bulletin as their strongest release to date. (Note: FLips is NOT an appropriate way to abbreviate their name)

Rule #2 Objectivity before personal preference always

Unless you’re wasted- you could probably get away screaming “Sweet Jane” before admitting it represents The Velvet Underground’s degression into more pop-oriented music than their arguably unrivaled early experimental efforts (Beatles excluded, of course- we all know they’re brilliant). Granted, Lou Reed appropriately titled the album it appears on Loaded.

Rule #3 Always be critical, you’ll find better music this way and become more legit.

See www.pitchforkmedia.com

Rule #4 Test your peers’ music knowledge by playing them things they clearly won’t know.

This is easy for an indie snob. Play Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? (The Unicorns…you knew that, right?) If your peers do, you just completely embarrassed yourself. Be careful.

Rule #5 Listen to the music properly

i. Make sure it’s loud enough, use headphones if you need to (some only use headphones).
ii. Make sure you can enjoy it- don’t be distracted and miss crucial subtleties in the music.
iii. Get in the habit of listening and evaluating whole albums, not songs UNLESS it’s a single released independently of or prior to the release of an album.

If you can get these 5 rules down, you’re well on your way to being an indie music snob- only that’s an oxymoron if you’ve learned anything from this. Lastly, if all else fails, remember to listen to what you like. Unless I say it sucks. OK, back to the new Belle and Sebastian.


**If you’re ever in a jam, Sonic Youth and anything on the Saddle Creek and Matador labels will make you sound legit**

Kyle is a guest writer to Caught on the Bound. The artists presented in this article were chosen as examples that most people could probably relate to. Otherwise, he would have made sure you'd never heard of them.

Your Room - Episode 1

Made public for the first time, Caught on the Bound is proud to present the first of several "Your Room" episodes filmed some time ago. Directed and filmed by Paul Nguyen, the show takes place at the University of Notre Dame. Patrick Donnelly and yours falsely star. Enjoy if you can!

Single-day Visitor Record Broken

Mildly exciting news trickles out of the Caught on the Bound Newswire this evening (kind of lukewarm news I suppose). The single-day record for unique visitors to the site was set earlier this evening when the 42nd such person found his or her way onto the site. Apparently, a link from Albino Blacksheep is sending all kinds of people this way for the AIM Profile Field Guide recently put up. So if you just came from that way, welcome. I would normally put an exclamation point after the "welcome" but I'm feeling particularly grim this evening.

The Guide is not supposed to be funny. It is gravely serious. Like a tombstone. Or the Bible. The Bible could have used more light-hearted moments. More Jesus pranks. He had all the power to do it and the closest he got was turning water into wine and, by extension, nice people into drunks. Walking on water was a good one too. "Hey! Come over here! Follow in my footsteps!" SPLASH.
Amen.

AIM Profile Field Guide - Revised and Expanded 2006 Edition

Two summers ago, I began what would become one of my stupidest ideas: creating a "field guide" of sorts to aid AIM users in the understanding of their peers' AIM profiles. Well here we go, an updated and revised edition to give you the edge you need in 2006:

AIM Profile Field Guide

Unless you live under a rock, you probably have AIM. Most people also have an AIM profile. They tend to fall into the following categories:


The Straight Info Profile

Characteristics: Gives you name, address, contact info, email address, etc....no foolin' around

Example: John Jones
432 Super Main Street
Funkytown, ZN 44544
Office: 44-3455
Mother-in-law's Home: 435-5653
Dog's Name: Fido X
Amount of Money I'm Earning Compared to You: More

Analysis: This profile favors the "get down to business" people. They're not on AIM to play games. They're on to be ON and when they're UP they want to make sure you stay DOWN. Until they sign OFF.


The Calendar Profile

Characteristics: A calendar of the user's life, often detailing trivial things such as when to walk the dog, birthdays of relatives, how many times the left incisor has been brushed on Thursdays, travel plans including walks up the street and supermarket runs, etc. Frequently includes the date of some vague concert or big event coming up that you most likely won't be attending with him/her. The appropriate response is to feel envious or even bitter.

Analysis: Often a severe case of Too Much Information, sometimes proves useful for remembering oft-forgotten birthdays or anniversaries (like the 3 week anniversary of your sister's first kiss with her second boyfriend)


The Seasonal Splendor Profile

Characteristics: Touts the joys of whatever season it is

Example: "SUMMER ROX BABAY!!!"
"CALIFORNIA SUMMER 4EVER GRLS!"
"TIS THE SEASON..."
"OMG IT'S SUMMER!!!! I'M WAAAAAY TOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!"

Analysis: Overreaction mostly, but after seeing so many people declaring that sUmMER rOX! it's hard to not reach the same conclusion.


The Shout-Out Profile

Characteristics: Shout-outs to "peeps", "boyz", "girlz", "Brothers in Christ", your mom, your sweetie pie, etc.

Analysis: Most notable in this type of profile are not the shout-outs themselves, but the nouns used to describe the recepients. So many shout-outs for those little sugar-coated marshmallow birds...Additionally, many people involved in relationships put something "subtle" in their profile like this: "4/12/01 :-)" which is supposed to be the date that things started "getting heavy" I suppose. I've also seen texted out roses, bits of song lyric, etc. Most effective appears to be the straightfoward: "Jenny is MY LIFE" or "YOU ARE THE BEST"


The Quote Profile

Characteristics: Filled with lots of cool quotes from famous people or even better, people you just know from life

Analysis: Sometimes unoriginal, sometimes only funny as an inside joke, but sometimes it's just what you need.


The Song Lyrics Profile

Characteristics: Song lyrics, sometimes with certain words highlighted, emphasized

Analysis: Often cryptic and nonesensical. A good stand-by if the profile has been getting lame of recent (see mine for example of lame profile). Full lyric posting can be disastrous though.


The Shameless Plug Profile

Characteristics: Persuades people to do something or go see something

Analysis: Might guilt you into attending something you would otherwise skip, but also a good way of finding out what friends think is important in their lives. Support them! Ignore them! This knowledge is POWER.


The One-Word Profile

Characteristics: One....well, nevermind

Analysis: Short, simple, perfect.


The "No Information Provided" Profile

Characteristics: Only that mysterious message

Analysis: Some people don't need profiles. Some people just shouldn't have them if they do. Here's a happy medium.


The Text Symbol

Characteristics: Take on a variety of forms, including hands making the "OK" sign, squirrels, buses, often for a cause: "Put this in your profile if you or someone you know has missed the bus" followed by a Wingdings-like representation of said mass vehicular transport

Analysis: Kind of like wearing a pin on your lapel or getting a temporary tattoo. All of your friends will go "ooooh!" and then tell you to finally get rid of it two weeks later.


The "What does this have to do with anything?" Profile

Characteristics: Sometimes people put stuff in their profiles that, well, just don't make much sense, as Forrest Gump would sometimes say. Perhaps the person has mistakenly believed that a specific reaction they had to something or an interest they have will have mass appeal (example) or that some "had to be there" quote is really funny when typed out and left on the profile for weeks when really, it isn't very funny at all. In fact, you kind of want that damn quote to go away. Now.

Analysis: I think the "Characteristics" section of this entry was sufficiently biased enough to warrant no further information in this analysis.

The Brawny Gig

I've always thought that the Brawny paper towel guy had a great gig. You have to wonder how he even got into paper towels. From this Brawny-provided picture, it looks as though some clues to his past are given. Brawny Man is a woodsy sort of dude, signalled by his flannel shirt. Perhaps a lumberjack? VCR repairman? Hairdresser? He clearly has access to a shower or gentle stream to wash and slick back that hair. The most compelling portion of this picture has to be Brawny Man's friends to the left. What an apathetic bunch this is.

Doris the Deer is dumbfounded at how she ended up hanging out with a dude who looks just like a hunter in the middle of the forest, while Mr. Grizz up there is already bored out of his mind and plotting the imminent demise of that wilderness village to the right. His discontent and readily apparent disgust at mankind's encroachment on his natural home is revealed in his grim gaze. Why eat Doris when he can strike back at the real enemies? Speaking of Doris, she looks like she just watched the first scene of Bambi and is slowly putting it all together: "hmmm, he looks like a hunter...hunters kill deer...I'm....in trouble?"

Rocky Raccoon lost interest in this whole photo shoot about five minutes ago and is already looking for garbage to eat. The soaring creature above is either a dragonfly leper or Edgar the Eagle. Either way, he wants nothing to do with Brawny Man and his poker gang.

I wonder if Brawny Man is standing in front of his academy trying to attract students. I'm sure some kids are walking by it, taking a look at the sign, taking a look at Brawny Man, then glancing at the assortment of enraged and disaffected fauna, and saying, "man, I should just keep walking."

In conclusion, I don't know how Brawny Man got this gig or what direction his life is taking, but I hope it's something beyond ultra quilted absorption. For more Brawny Man commentary, click here.

All Dove Goes to Heaven

This afternoon, shortly after I had commenced what had all the signs of a promising shower, I realized that the usual bar of soap that normally occupied the little rack specifically made for it had vanished. I'm sure you've noticed this too. At a certain point, a bar of soap will become so thin and flimsy that it will be impossible to use. Shortly thereafter, it will also be impossible to see after it vanishes sometime between your last shower and the beginning of your current one.

I stared at the shower floor foot tread wondering if the final few traces of my previous bar of Dove could have been blasted away and melted by the initial burst of hot water. Did I misplace it? Maybe. What if I had never been using soap at all for years and had hallucinated shower after soapy shower?! My bar of soap was washed away. The future of this shower was cast into serious doubt: would this be a mere rinse?

Nope. I found a box of Dove on the bathroom counter. Except this was no ordinary Dove! This Dove was herbally-infused with green tea and cucumber. The soap was appropriately a vivid shade of vomit green. Green tea and cucumber? What was I about to do? Rub a sushi box lunch all over my body? It didn't get any better when I checked the shampoo/conditioner in a fit of panic, wondering what horrors awaited me there. Suave. Waterfall Mist. This felt like a good combination. Solid water action that was going to fall on me with a refreshing mist to puncuate my bathing sentence.

The shampoo bottle immediately slipped out of my hand and landed on my foot. As I tended to the task of picking it back up, I saw something along the edge of the shower floor. A little bit of white soap. I watched as the particle got smaller and smaller before finally swirling down the drain. My Dove was dead. My shower began.

What a ridiculous post.

First thing tomorrow I'm switching to Irish Spring. The kind of green I like.

Leave Your Mind Behind

Time to get transdimensional

Panda Takes the Cake - World Looks On in Adoration

The giant panda Xin Xin ate some birthday cake yesterday while one lucky guy in the background had the distinction of being accidentally photographed along with the cuddly bamboo-muncher. Xin Xin and I were both born on August 6th (2005 for Xin Xin, 1984 for me). Interestingly, Xin Xin's gender is a mystery. The AP blurb accompanying the photo refers to the panda as "it" or "its birthday." Well, I decided to go where the Associated Press dare not go. That's right. I looked it up.

A quick jaunt over to Wikipedia's page on pandas revealed that Xin Xin is a female. Other popular panda names include Ya Ya, Shuan Shuan, Gao Gao, Mei Mei, Le Le, Ling Ling, Kou Kou and Harold. Bye Bye!

Researchers Find Link Between Sex and Sexy Music

Well, I found it too. It has something to do with the way they put "sexy" before the word "music."

I can totally understand what they're talking about. When I first heard "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles, I was overcome with uncontrollable urges to hold hands. Any hands. It didn't even matter. I was hand indiscriminate. I would have held the hand of an amoeba if it had one. Inhibitions were lowered! Moral degradation was imminent! Fortunately, I was able to listen to some more wholesome music before I slipped into a graveyard spiral of ethical ambiguity and destroyed values.

On a more serious note (maybe like a B-flat), I do understand the importance of monitoring what kids listen to and watch. Can we just come to less obvious conclusions in these studies?

Will you still need me? Will you still feed me?

Through the combined experiences of turning 22 yesterday and seeing a frightening infomercial involving scooters, I've noticed a few things about the elderly, particularly eldery couples, that amused me. Have you ever noticed this tendency for an older couple to be fully represented by the woman? Like, "Oh! We like Tom Brokaw!" while the husband just kind of stands there silently. Is this because he fully agrees with his wife's sentiment or could it be that any will to counter her opinion was crushed and extinguished long ago after years of tired struggle? I have no idea! But it's a common strategy for older couples, both on television (in the form of commercials, infomercials, and sitcoms) and in real life. Where are all the boistrous older married men? My guess is that the silent older men have it figured out. If they just shut up, their chances of receiving food increase greatly.

Email of the Day

"I noticed your tagline at the top of the page is now 'New look, same great taste.' Where is this new look? Am I just not seeing it? Also, how do you taste a website?"

To answer that question, I'm going to need some help from the audience. Alright, now everybody on the left side, I want you to stand up and look as reddish-orangy as you can! OK, good, good! Now right side, let's show the left side how it's done! Great! Now keep that up, but I want you to turn blue, like a royal blue.

See, that's what Caught on the Bound was about to switch over to last night. The marketing department even came up with the incredibly original tagline "New look, same great taste!" but I ultimately vetoed it after I saw it on a soft drink commercial. The revised edition that I personally created is "New look, same great taste." I decided to cool it down a bit and make a more subtle declaration.

As for how you taste a website, I have this to say: very carefully.

Thanks for the email. It's no Jack Canfield, but I'll take it.

Press Conference - August 4, 2006

Today's press conference is brought to you by the diphthong "ou." Putting the "ow" in "house" since the time of Middle English when it was "hous."

Fire torpedoes!

"Did you have to look up the spelling of the word 'diphthong?'"

Yes. Next question, over there please.

"Did Jack Canfield of Chicken Soup for the Soul actually leave that message in the CotB guestbook?"

We have no way of confirming whether or not it's actually him, but there is an established precedent. Back in January, a Business 2.0 writer logged a private guestbook entry to me clarifying the publisher of their 100 Dumbest Moments in Business (or something like that), which appeared on CNN Money. Michelle Kwan has yet to contact us about her frequent mentions on the site. OK, you with the stylish hat back there.

"Hi there. It seems that a lot of the posts on the site are randomly selected pop culture items. Is there a reason the site skews in this direction?"

Not at all. By the way, I'd like to take this time to remind you that Duncan now offers the ProYo. The rim-weighted, take-apart ProYo features a patented replaceable wooden axle sleeve and interchangeable graphic sidecaps for maximum performance and enjoyability. Remember, if it's not a Duncan, it's not a yo-yo.

"Right...when you come out of that trance look you're giving us right now, can you shed some light on why we even have these press conferences?"

No, but I can barn some dark on it. The real question is why any of you bother to come to them. Yes, the gentleman in the skirt back there.

"Woman. My question: where's Simon?"

He's in Boise, Idaho for an internship.

"No, I mean, where is he on the site?"

Here, there, and everywhere I should think. Hurry! We have so much time and so little to do! Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. *whistles for the Oompa-Loompas*

Going for a Dip

Remember Fun Dip? (see also: fourth grade crack) I always thought this pouched Pixy Stix-like powder pretty much got me through the toughest elementary school days. In fact, it even got me through a few middle school days, too. Sometimes, when the pressures of being a nerd got too intense, I ripped open the cherry and dipped the sweet white stick. In high school, there was at least one occasion where I dipped a few pouches before a test to give me that "edge."

This stuff was ridiculous: a stick made entirely of sugar being dipped into a pouch of flavored sugar. What so many kids like me never figured out was that you can go to the supermarket and get a huge bag of sugar for cheap (and you can even skip the stick). I guess the stick was what made Fun Dip worth what was supposed to be my lunch money. In third grade, there was a kid in my class named Jerome who would bring one of these pouches everyday. I'll bet he's in rehab now, but still chews on a stick once in a while. You know, just to remember what it felt like.

This has to be the stupidest post yet. Oh wait, look below.

The Post That Never Was

Chicken Soup for the Poultry Soul

These books became a phenomenon in the mid-1990s when Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen compiled 101 inspirational stories and essays into Chicken Soup for the Soul. There's a good chance that you have at least 7 incarnations of this thing around your house in book, calendar, cookbook, soft drink, DVD, or crystal methamphetamine form.

I decided to check in on this curiosity of the publishing world to assess the current state of affairs. What I found surprised me:

Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul

Canadians experience life in ways Americans can hardly fathom.

Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul II

You were redeemed by the first one, NOW finish the job! I would love to see Chicken Soup for the Apocalyptic Soul.

Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul

This one has the distinction of being a "bestseller" (unlike the Canadian one, curiously). When I first saw the title I assumed this was basically Chicken Soup for the Millionaire's Soul until I went "ohhhh yeah, Golden Girls!"

Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul II

It wasn't as good as the first one.

Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul

Inspiration in the pit! "We don't know how he won that race and saved his family from poverty, but we think it had something to do with that really fast car of his..."

Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul

See: Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

And of course, everybody's favorite:

Chicken Soup for the Soul NASCAR Xtreme Race Journal for Kids

Plus, throughout the book you’ll find inspiring quotes from kids, just like you, about what NASCAR means to them and their family and space for you to write your own thoughts and inspirations, too.

I think my work here is done.

I'm Looking Through You

I've decided to take a picture of the website's readers. Just stay still for a second and bend your lips into a cheerful pattern. Thanks!

Of Mouses and Mans

An avid reader of the site has pointed out an error:

In the last press conference, the word "media" should be the plural of "medium" and not "mediums" as I had typed out. I will allow this error to stand uncorrected in the post in order to maintain a sense of humility before the readers of this site and to serve as a reminder of the ways in which our best-laid plans often go awry.

This, of course, means that any other typographical errors, misspellings or grammar mistakes is completely intentional.

And all of you are in on it!

I was scuttling around at my local bookstore the other day and saw this book entitled "World's Greatest Conspiracies and Cover-Ups." Well, not anymore I guess! That book just destroyed its subject by being published. It's like when Prof. Farnsworth lamented a quantum finish at the horse races: "Noooo! They changed the outcome by measuring it!"

For some reason, conspiracies and their theories have a way of chopping the population in half: those who tend to buy into them and think, "You know, I could see that..." and the other half who think, "Well, that's great. Why don't you help me wash the car after you take that tin-foil hat off? Hey! Is that Elvis?! Gotcha!"

Perhaps it scares and fascinates people to think of the undetected machinations clanking beneath our society. Jerry Seinfeld once said that airports are a conspiracy aimed at getting you to buy a $10 tuna sandwich because it's the only thing available. The planes, the modern architecture, baggage claims (or baggage reclaims if you're in the UK)--all puppets on strings.

You know, kind of like how this site is just a bogus vehicle to generate megabucks in advertising revenue! a great place to hang out!

5555 Hits!

Because everyone knows that the more hits a website has, the more betterer it is at stuff.

Press Conference - July 24, 2006

Sorry, I'm late. OK, let's begin.

"Yeah, uh, you realize that you're about 2 months late for this conference right?"

I, uh, yes of course. Did you guys get some coffee back there? We gave them coffee didn't we? Do we still give you donuts? Tell you what, take my blog credit card and go get yourself a bagel and lox. Yes, go ahead.

"Hi, how do you explain your prolonged absence?"

I was in London for most of the time. The rest of the surprise sabbatical was spent sitting in the corner ridden with blog angst.

"Do they not have computers or internet in London?"

They do, but the shift key is smaller and it caused me to type like **~~tHIS a LoT~~**. It made me look like a 7th grade girl with a hot crush, a wall of friends, and a myspace account barely holding it all together.

"Wait, this is a press conference. How did you just express the way you type while speaking to us. What does "like this a lot" even look like? You're mixing mediums."

Hey, have you ever walked by an elementary school and wondered how a kid carries a 50 lbs. backpack when he only weighs 47 lbs.? Have you ever looked at a fire engine and thought, "why don't I just call my car an engine too and be cool?" If you answered yes or no to either of these questions, you've spent too much time at this press conference and not enough exploring the complexities of our world. It's a world where sadness is called blues and hearts can be golden. It's a world where the mediums are mixed all the time.

*about 10 minutes of murmuring and general confusion by press*


"What do you mean by blog angst?"

It's a lot like teen angst, but fewer slammed doors and improved self-esteem. Actually, you know what? Everyone....out. OUT. We're done with this.

The State of Denial: A River Runs Through It

One of the greatest things you can do is tell someone they're in denial:
"Tom, you're in denial."
"I AM NOT!"
"Oh?"

Alternative scenario:
"Tom, you're in denial."
"Yeah, you're right."
"See?"

It's always a right/right situation for the accuser! Tyranny!

However, Caught on the Bound Verbal Labs has found a way of beating this accusation:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"This doesn't look like Africa to me."
"Wait...what?"

I personally like this one:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"Who's Tom?"

You're Gonna Lose That Girl

Note: Ringo smokes

If It's Not a Duncan

Donald Duncan became a household name when he first marketed the yo-yo in the 1930s. (Shortly thereafter, people began questioning what exactly a "household name" was. Are there some names that are more appropriate for commercially-zoned districts?)

Although this is generally discredited now, it was maintained that the yo-yo was originally a deadly weapon from Southeast Asindosialaysiappines (or very close to it) and the world marveled at how Duncan had taken this device of assured destruction and created a magnificent toy. Duncan didn't exactly invent the thing, but he did add some taken-for-granted innovations such as the "sliding loop" which enabled the yo-yo to "sleep" and the butterfly cut which made the psychotic palm-drilling piece of plastic a little easier to catch.

I think the discreditors and debunkers are right: there's no way in Heffalumps this thing was ever a decent weapon. If National Geographic followed these hunters around you would just see 6 hours of tough guys untangling strings from bushes and smacking themselves in the face.

Remember that Duncan commercial from the late 1980s-early 1990s where that dude is doing all of those tricks with a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo? I always wanted them to turn on the lights all of a sudden: you'd see all of these bodies flung around the room in varied states of consciousness. "If it's not a Duncan, they're probably still crawling back to finish you off!"

You're Waiting for the Plan

OK, here we go. But before we do, let me pause again. This weekend, Caught on the Bound's newly hired staff will be unveiled. You will be happy to know that while my job remains in jeopardy, Simon will be retained in the shake-up. He will also be in charge of placing the requisite communications towers on any hill or mountain that does not yet have one. "Nothing can be that big without one" he said the other night.

So what's the plan?

Saturday July 15, 2006

The new faces on the staff will be introduced, along with editor's commentary and cocktails. (Note: Cocktails not available)

Sunday July 16, 2006

The first posts of the Caught on the Bound Summer 2006 Reboot

Monday July 17, 2006

Seminar for all Caught on the Bound Staff: "How to Avoid Not Posting"



So keep coming back, I still have plenty of posting left to do before I run this blog into the ground again in a few months!