Monday, July 31, 2006

Chicken Soup for the Poultry Soul

These books became a phenomenon in the mid-1990s when Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen compiled 101 inspirational stories and essays into Chicken Soup for the Soul. There's a good chance that you have at least 7 incarnations of this thing around your house in book, calendar, cookbook, soft drink, DVD, or crystal methamphetamine form.

I decided to check in on this curiosity of the publishing world to assess the current state of affairs. What I found surprised me:

Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul

Canadians experience life in ways Americans can hardly fathom.

Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul II

You were redeemed by the first one, NOW finish the job! I would love to see Chicken Soup for the Apocalyptic Soul.

Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul

This one has the distinction of being a "bestseller" (unlike the Canadian one, curiously). When I first saw the title I assumed this was basically Chicken Soup for the Millionaire's Soul until I went "ohhhh yeah, Golden Girls!"

Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul II

It wasn't as good as the first one.

Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul

Inspiration in the pit! "We don't know how he won that race and saved his family from poverty, but we think it had something to do with that really fast car of his..."

Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul

See: Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

And of course, everybody's favorite:

Chicken Soup for the Soul NASCAR Xtreme Race Journal for Kids

Plus, throughout the book you’ll find inspiring quotes from kids, just like you, about what NASCAR means to them and their family and space for you to write your own thoughts and inspirations, too.
I think my work here is done.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I'm Looking Through You

I've decided to take a picture of the website's readers. Just stay still for a second and bend your lips into a cheerful pattern. Thanks!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Of Mouses and Mans

An avid reader of the site has pointed out an error:

In the last press conference, the word "media" should be the plural of "medium" and not "mediums" as I had typed out. I will allow this error to stand uncorrected in the post in order to maintain a sense of humility before the readers of this site and to serve as a reminder of the ways in which our best-laid plans often go awry.

This, of course, means that any other typographical errors, misspellings or grammar mistakes is completely intentional.

And all of you are in on it!

I was scuttling around at my local bookstore the other day and saw this book entitled "World's Greatest Conspiracies and Cover-Ups." Well, not anymore I guess! That book just destroyed its subject by being published. It's like when Prof. Farnsworth lamented a quantum finish at the horse races: "Noooo! They changed the outcome by measuring it!"

For some reason, conspiracies and their theories have a way of chopping the population in half: those who tend to buy into them and think, "You know, I could see that..." and the other half who think, "Well, that's great. Why don't you help me wash the car after you take that tin-foil hat off? Hey! Is that Elvis?! Gotcha!"

Perhaps it scares and fascinates people to think of the undetected machinations clanking beneath our society. Jerry Seinfeld once said that airports are a conspiracy aimed at getting you to buy a $10 tuna sandwich because it's the only thing available. The planes, the modern architecture, baggage claims (or baggage reclaims if you're in the UK)--all puppets on strings.

You know, kind of like how this site is just a bogus vehicle to generate megabucks in advertising revenue! a great place to hang out!

5555 Hits!

Because everyone knows that the more hits a website has, the more betterer it is at stuff.

Press Conference - July 24, 2006

Sorry, I'm late. OK, let's begin.

"Yeah, uh, you realize that you're about 2 months late for this conference right?"

I, uh, yes of course. Did you guys get some coffee back there? We gave them coffee didn't we? Do we still give you donuts? Tell you what, take my blog credit card and go get yourself a bagel and lox. Yes, go ahead.

"Hi, how do you explain your prolonged absence?"

I was in London for most of the time. The rest of the surprise sabbatical was spent sitting in the corner ridden with blog angst.

"Do they not have computers or internet in London?"

They do, but the shift key is smaller and it caused me to type like **~~tHIS a LoT~~**. It made me look like a 7th grade girl with a hot crush, a wall of friends, and a myspace account barely holding it all together.

"Wait, this is a press conference. How did you just express the way you type while speaking to us. What does "like this a lot" even look like? You're mixing mediums."

Hey, have you ever walked by an elementary school and wondered how a kid carries a 50 lbs. backpack when he only weighs 47 lbs.? Have you ever looked at a fire engine and thought, "why don't I just call my car an engine too and be cool?" If you answered yes or no to either of these questions, you've spent too much time at this press conference and not enough exploring the complexities of our world. It's a world where sadness is called blues and hearts can be golden. It's a world where the mediums are mixed all the time.

*about 10 minutes of murmuring and general confusion by press*

"What do you mean by blog angst?"

It's a lot like teen angst, but fewer slammed doors and improved self-esteem. Actually, you know what? Everyone....out. OUT. We're done with this.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

The State of Denial: A River Runs Through It

One of the greatest things you can do is tell someone they're in denial:
"Tom, you're in denial."

Alternative scenario:
"Tom, you're in denial."
"Yeah, you're right."

It's always a right/right situation for the accuser! Tyranny!

However, Caught on the Bound Verbal Labs has found a way of beating this accusation:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"This doesn't look like Africa to me."

I personally like this one:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"Who's Tom?"

Saturday, July 22, 2006

You're Gonna Lose That Girl

Note: Ringo smokes

height="350" width="425">

If It's Not a Duncan

Donald Duncan became a household name when he first marketed the yo-yo in the 1930s. (Shortly thereafter, people began questioning what exactly a "household name" was. Are there some names that are more appropriate for commercially-zoned districts?)

Although this is generally discredited now, it was maintained that the yo-yo was originally a deadly weapon from Southeast Asindosialaysiappines (or very close to it) and the world marveled at how Duncan had taken this device of assured destruction and created a magnificent toy. Duncan didn't exactly invent the thing, but he did add some taken-for-granted innovations such as the "sliding loop" which enabled the yo-yo to "sleep" and the butterfly cut which made the psychotic palm-drilling piece of plastic a little easier to catch.

I think the discreditors and debunkers are right: there's no way in Heffalumps this thing was ever a decent weapon. If National Geographic followed these hunters around you would just see 6 hours of tough guys untangling strings from bushes and smacking themselves in the face.

Remember that Duncan commercial from the late 1980s-early 1990s where that dude is doing all of those tricks with a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo? I always wanted them to turn on the lights all of a sudden: you'd see all of these bodies flung around the room in varied states of consciousness. "If it's not a Duncan, they're probably still crawling back to finish you off!"

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You're Waiting for the Plan

OK, here we go. But before we do, let me pause again. This weekend, Caught on the Bound's newly hired staff will be unveiled. You will be happy to know that while my job remains in jeopardy, Simon will be retained in the shake-up. He will also be in charge of placing the requisite communications towers on any hill or mountain that does not yet have one. "Nothing can be that big without one" he said the other night.

So what's the plan?

Saturday July 15, 2006

The new faces on the staff will be introduced, along with editor's commentary and cocktails. (Note: Cocktails not available)

Sunday July 16, 2006

The first posts of the Caught on the Bound Summer 2006 Reboot

Monday July 17, 2006

Seminar for all Caught on the Bound Staff: "How to Avoid Not Posting"

So keep coming back, I still have plenty of posting left to do before I run this blog into the ground again in a few months!