Don't Lose Your Headlines

Google Asks Court to Extend

Enough with Google and their vague demands! Extend...a ligament? The length of a sentence? Maybe they just want the judge to stretch out his gavel arm.

US student loses free speech case

The bad news: the student lost the case.
The good news: the speech inside of it was free, so it's not like a lot of money was wasted.
I hope we find that case, though, because we're talking about a whole Bill of Right here.

At Wimbledon, a Missing Player: the Roof

That's incorrect. It was Col. Mustard, in the billiard room, with the candlestick (not the roof). Good try though. I can't really come down on this too harshly as my own Clue skills are negligible.

Victim's mom: Nothing in alleged killer cop's eyes

Are we talking about a literal piece of matter in the cop's eyes or something abstract like "menace" or "envy"? Because I think it makes a difference.

Barrasso sworn in as Senate debates divisive issues

Remember the good ol' days when the Senate would debate unifying issues? That was so much easier. Everyone was like, "Raise your hand if you are FOR family values. The ayes have it, 100-0 this measure PASSES."

First-known albino mountain goat spotted in Italian Alps

Is that so? I didn't realize albino goats could have spots and still qualify as albino. Lies!