Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Power Is Yours!


Captain Planet! This guy was like Earth on steroids. Remember the opening sequence? It went something like this:

Our World is in peril!

Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth is getting really pissed! So she sends five magical rings to five special young people:

And then we are of course introduced to Kwame from Africa, etc. Ma-Ti had the power of "heart" which I still contend is an underrated power. Anyone who has a ring that makes a monkey suddenly run across the screen obviously has some stature in the environmental-superhero world. It's true! Kwame gets that big earth displacement thing, Wheeler makes metal melt and fly at you with his fire ring, and that Soviet girl makes trash fly around with a tornado (I'm still trying to figure out how trash flying around is good for the environment...).

Captain Planet himself was incredible. The dude had blue skin and green hair, and most importantly, no shame in wearing tights. His personality was kind of a cross between Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a garbage man. "WHOA! Looks like someone forgot to take out the trash! *tosses toxic offenders into dumpster*" If people are wondering why the environment is being destroyed, it's because kids aren't watching this anymore.

Don't nobody F*** with the PLANET.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Rules of Calvinball


Several people have sent this to me now, and as a true fan, I must post it: The Rules of Calvinball

My own experience with the game has been tumultuous. One game I was involved with ended abruptly two minutes into playing when someone questioned the masks. According to the rules, no one is allowed to question the masks. I tried to declare them questionable by way of a new rule, but the damage had been done. Although the game is defined by ever-changing rules, there are some hard and fast principles that always apply. Just like life.

For more Calvinball rule theory and zone declaration studies, consult the above link. Why there is no institute for this at major universities, I have NO idea.

Figure Skating Falling Down

Paul Wylie, 1992 Olympic silver medalist and, with partner Dana Graham, 1980 U.S. junior pairs national champion speaks out about falling:

In pairs in Paris in 1980 I was doing a lift, and when I put [Dana] down, her toe picks dug into the ice. She pitched onto her knees, and I fell on top of her. We were skating to the song Somewhere from West Side Story, and after a fall you can lose your place in the program. As we were getting up, Dana asked, "Where are we?" "In France," I said.
In conclusion, Michelle Kwan. (She has to keep her lead as most frequently mentioned woman on the site)

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Burger King Bag Bagglers


Burger King is getting a little too smart for me. I was walking back to my dorm after stopping at the fine dining institution to get some food to go, when I noticed that the bag had a box of text on it. It read:

OFFICIAL Baggler Procedure

French fries that have attempted to escape from their container only to strand themselves in the bottom of the bag are called "bagglers." Bagglers are fair game. The first to open the bag and retrieve the baggler gets to eat the baggler. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to be the keeper of the bag.
Burger King has been on this kick lately. They celebrate the finer idiosyncrasies of fast food dining to presumably remind you of all of those little nostalgiac feelings you get when you venture into the grease pit. For example, I'll never forget the rush of excitement I got when I spilled ranch dressing all over my pants at the airport McDonalds while eating my chicken McNuggets last month. This is called a "ranch spill" and it is not fair game. It is unfair game. It made me look like an idiot drying my pants off with that airport automated dryer. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to not get dips and sauces in little plastic containers that are prone to spontaneous rupture or spillage.

I think the Burger King executive meeting must have went something like this:
"Hey, Bill! Did you think of a new text box for the bag yet?"
"Yeah, you know those fries that fall out in the bag?"
"No, I don't actually EAT at our restaurants!" *mixed laughter from around the room*
"Well, I heard that it happens. We should call them bagglers."
-Silence-
"Uh.....ok, maybe not bagglers....fallen fries?"
"Bagglers. I like that. It's funny. It tickles me. Meeting adjourned."

I think they just like saying "baggler." They should go the Starbucks route and slap some interesting/controversial quotes on cups as conversation starters instead of informing you of the rules and traditions of fast food dining. Imagine this, you sit down with your BK Double Whopper with Bacon and see this on your cup: "Mad cow disease is a myth perpetuated by KFC and Long John Silver. Discuss."

On second thought, I'll take bagglers.

Good thing Bush is on top of it

I feel so safe now! Thanks President Bush!

Regarding the port security "issue":

"People don't need to worry about security." -Bush

Well...at least he's looking out for us.

-Simon

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Where Have You Been?

Criminal Mastermind Sandiego Apprehended


CAIRO, EGYPT (Caught on the Bound Newswire) - Criminal mastermind Carmen Sandiego was apprehended yesterday by Caught on the Bound senior staff members shortly before dawn Wednesday in Cairo, Egypt.

"She is insane" said one officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. "It's like she moves from place to place with just the tap of a keystroke!"

Sandiego had been leading a complex underground criminal network for a number of years, often roping children into her schemes, an offense punishable by timeout in the corner in most countries.

"She was easy to spot though. I saw that red fedora hat and trenchcoat and immediately knew I was dealing with the one and only" said Timmy Stephens, age 8, who assisted in the capture with his quick thinking and knowledge of MS-DOS. "I also picked up some cool facts about history and geography! Did you know that Thailand used to be called Siam?"

Caught on the Bound news editor Simon Roberts confirmed Timmy's claims, while others remained skeptical of Sandiego's numerous, albeit illegal, contributions to academia.

"I think she's a punk. Siam? Give me a break kid. Speaking of Siam, I'm about ready to go after those damn Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp. They roughed up Lady pretty good. God bless Tramp" rambled Caught on the Bound editor Kevin Curran in what appeared to be another bout with foaming stupor. "We are happy to have had a role in catching Carmen," Curran continued, "but we have to make sure she doesn't try to escape. What's next? 'Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?" A chorus of laughs ensued as everyone brushed off such a ridiculous speculation.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Figure Skating Not A Sport?

That's Dan Wetzel's take. I'm inclined to agree with him, and this really does raise a lot of questions about "competitive activities." Wetzel has some good points, but I took an interest in this bit toward the end of the article:

This creates a bizarre paradox where something like curling is a sport and figure skating isn't, even though to compare the level of necessary athletic ability is comical. But it is what it is. You have to be a stunning athlete to compete in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest but that doesn't make it a sport.
This is where I see a thin line between skill and athleticism. Shouldn't something like bean-bag toss then be considered a sport? If curling is a sport, bowling has a claim too. What about beer pong? The physical demands of that game can drop you to the floor. Dan Wetzel makes a lot of sense, but he's turned my world upside-down. I don't know the classification of anything I'm doing now! Is this website a hobby, leisure-activity, or display of typing prowess? Can it be some of those, but not all? All but not some? Some for all and all for none? All for one and one for all? Sports are becoming an SAT math problem with overlapping circles and Venn diagrams. Nothing in this world can be labeled anymore! I'm going to resign from language for the day. To me, figure skating will be an "ice occurrence" and nothing more.

(Photo: This woman is apparently the Michelle Kwan of figure skating.)
(Caught on the Bound Fact: Michelle Kwan has now become the most frequently mentioned woman on the site.)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Think you know the 50 states?

Then try this fun game and practice your states: http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/states_experiment_drag-drop_Intermed_State15s_500.html

It's a good time.

I got 88% on my first try. Post your score in a comment.

Kevin...didn't you win a Geography Bee one time? I expect no less than 100%.

-Simon

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Death Warrant for Full Lyric Posting

You've seen it on network TV. You've seen it on the streets. Actually, you haven't, but I figured that would be a good hook. You DO see what I'm talking about on AIM profiles, away messages, blogs, livejournals, xangas, dillywoppers, bungalows, and billabongs though. Strike the last four.

Lyrics.

Lyrics are an important thing to many people. They give music a texture that often tickles us and makes us say things like "I can partially agree with this artist about the emotional state one experiences after breaking up with someone" or "I totally get what they're saying about hope." I think lyrics are great too. They can mean different things to different people. Maybe they catch you at a moment when you needed them. Maybe they shock you into emotional arrest. Whatever they do, most people enjoy the musical poetry they create.

But I hate it when people will post an ENTIRE readout of the lyrics to a song. Quoting choice lines or stanzas is cool, but why is it necessary to post the entire damn thing?

While you exalt this spectacle, the rest of us, especially those who haven't heard the song, are left perturbed by your poor lack of judgment. Does anyone (please tell me if you do) ever actually sit there and read through the LYRICS of an entire song and make up their own melody to match it? I just get annoyed and wonder why I'm reading the same line over and over in the chorus (which is usually written out again and again). It's even worse when the lyrics are something like "JET! Whooooooohoooo hooooo!" or "Sha la la la la la la la la la la la la la dee da."

So please, the next time you feel the urge to slap an entire ream of lyrics down, consider the pain you may cause. Consider quoting things other than "Woooo oh oh wild heart!" That should do it.

This concludes my misguided crusade against full lyric posting.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Google'd!

We've hit it bigtime. We're on Google.

Apparently, if you search for "Machines will never conquer mankind" (with the quotes), we are the only result. Out of 8 billion+ webpages, we are the only ones that offer such technological predictions of the future.

-Simon

The News on Mute

Watching the Olympics last night and the news came on with the day's top stories.

The screen had these three images on it:











Unfortunately we had it on mute. Apparently Dick Cheney was in a plane trying to shoot Michelle Kwan so the French figure skater could win, but then his plane crashed into a house.

Got a better story? Post it in comments.

Friday, February 10, 2006

A History of Ventures

Caught on the Bound is just the latest in a series of ventures that Simon and Kevin have been involved in since their first meeting over chess at the age of 12/13. One inquiring reader wanted to know what else we're responsible for, so here it is:

-Foiled plot to attend Oxford on rowing scholarships (1997)
-Drafting of plans for magnetic cannon, a type of railgun that we were convinced would work; testing incomplete (1999)
-Drafting of plans for a perpetual motion machine; scoffed at by 8th grade science teacher Mr. Evanston; later reached settlement whereby Mr. Evanston would receive 1/100 of 1% of our profits if machine is developed (1999)
-Founding members, along with several other distinguished personalities, of Model Rocket Club, Las Flores Middle School; also founding dissolvers of club (1999)
-Famed website/blog IKWITA (2003)

As soon as we can gather the mostly classified intelligence, joint ventures with Brian, Barcelona Bureau Chief, will be released.

C2K Bug Strikes!

When I VPN'ed into the Blogger mainframe today for the hourly Caught on the Bound "Back those files up", I noticed the firewall had been disrupted by the TCP/IP communication link due to the aforementioned 2,000 hit. It seems the XML's abstract data packet could not be translated through the hypertext transfer protocol. I tried dialing in through our remote hook-up and routing the DNS servers through our Australian mirror site, and that seems to be keeping Caught on the Bound functioning while I look for a more permanent solution.

Thanks a lot, popularity.



EDIT- Turns out I just needed to restart the computer. Disregard that mumbo-jumbo. Lesson here: Try restarting.

Potentional C2K Bug Looms for CotB

With our counter rapidly approaching the 2000 mark, Caught on the Bound technicians have braced themselves for what could be the stupidest fear ever felt. Whoever hits this thing to 2000 will be held responsible for all havoc wreaked. We will find you. I don't know how, but we'll find you. And when we do, Simon will introduce you to Mr. T, who will then introduce you to PAIN.

Standing Up

Last night provided me with one of the more harrowing experiences of my life when I performed stand up comedy for the first time. While I didn't majorly screw up or go stoned-faced, I noticed a lot of things on stage that you wouldn't even think of in preparation. The way certain people look at you, the lighting, the way your breath can make a "boom" in the microphone when you aren't even trying to, or even a random cough can send your mind into dizzying fits of confusion. I was able to avoid this, but I couldn't help but think how close to failure you always are on stage. I felt comfortable the whole time, but having that in the back of your mind is a rush.

One odd observation that I had, that wasn't part of my act, was how all of the jokes that the comedians laughed at in the workshop fell flat, while all of the jokes that the audience laughed at, the comedians told me to consider cutting out! The search for a happy medium begins. I decided not to go up there and tell surefire, sure-laugh dick jokes, but it seems that a lot of crowds for stand up comedy really expect that. I shouldn't have to tailor my act to the audience while compromising my own sense of humor, but I can see a lot of ways to improve the act now. You have to try this sometime. It's nuts. It's like stationary sky-diving.

As my brother would often say at Baskin Robbins, "Give me a Wild N' Reckless, two scoops, twice, with sprinkles."

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Press Conference - 2/8/06

Sorry I'm late everyone. You've been most patient. Especially that guy in the hospital. Yeah,

"I've noticed that a lot of the posts on here are really just thinly-veiled pop culture explorations with little insightful commentary or purpose. How do you account for this travesty of modern dialectic?"

Alright, let's not lose our heads here. I'm looking at you, Headless Horseman. Seriously, uh, there's been so much going on. Lots of staff shakeups, scandal, and college going on. If you cut us a little slack, we'll stop slacking ourselves.

"I question Simon's credentials."

You are a FOOL! As was said about Baron Samedi in the James Bond movie, "Live and Let Die," so too does it go for Simon: "the man...cannot die." Simon is impeccably qualified and is truly what I like to call a "popular genius."

"I liked the post on Planet X, but how likely do you think it is that it will actually be named that? You know it'll probably be named U232-06 or something."

Yeah. I don't know. I'm calling it Planet X.

"Where does the name 'Caught on the Bound' come from?"

I'll get to that later this week.
*tries to make quick exit and leave, only to find that door is locked*
"I was trying to escape, but it didn't work!"

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Monday, February 06, 2006

Sunday, February 05, 2006

1984


I was still eight months away from birth at the time, but in January of 1984, a Super Bowl ad aired that would change us all. Now, twenty-two years later, it is only right that we look back at Apple's "1984" and recognize that, well, Microsoft didn't really have good commercials. Bill Gates was probably watching the Super Bowl with some friends, but then explicated "SH**!" when he saw this. Actually, everyone probably said the same thing when they realized that this new Mac would have a whopping 1 MB of RAM and no internal hard drive.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

If you were a toaster...

I would greet you everyday with "Hey slots!"

OK, I just wanted to clarify that we should be getting back to our regular posting schedule (that is, fewer fluff pieces and more hard-hitting expose's like that...well, I'll get back to you on that). I also want to take this opportunity to thank Simon for boldly asserting control over this site while I was in exile. Additionally, the editor came across a work submitted by our Barcelona Bureau Chief in his email inbox, but somehow didn't post it in the no computer confusion. For this we are truly sorry. Yours till the kitchen sinks....

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Outrageous Super Bowl Bets

I'm putting my money on calling heads and expecting tails:

Super Bowl "prop" bets

Nomadic Post II

Well, I've made camp here at the Debartolo Computer Cluster on campus. It's nice. Good lighting. That sort of thing. The two desk workers here keep glaring at me though. One of them looks like she's ready to come over here and kick my computer. Someone knows something about me. This could be it. This could be the time they get me. Maybe she knows I'm writing about her. OK, she IS walking over here. Uh....

Bye!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Is nothing sacred?





The Kentucky Derby has a sponsor. Look for "The Kentucky Derby sponsored by Yum Brands" from Churchill Downs on the first Saturday in May.

That's the Yum Brands that owns KFC, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and various combination establishments serving Kentucky Fried Tacos and Los Grande Stuffed Crust Pizza with Guacamole and a side of Potatoes.

I'm looking forward to the horses being sponsored. Just imagine:

"In Gate 7, Better Not Break My Leg, sponsored by Elmer's."

Planet the Xth

It looks like there might be a little more pressure on the International Astronomical Union to recognize what could very well be the tenth planet in our solar system. My question: how did we discover distant galaxies, far-off stars, quasars, black holes, and the Borg all before we spotted this sucker in October of 2003?

I have to admit, I get very excited about news that seems to fly in the face of stuff I learned in 3rd grade. When I was nine years old, I was cut from a play about the planets of our solar system because I was 10th in line to sign up (true story). Understandably, I was hurt by this and since then, it has been my endeavor to fully endorse this possibility and any investigation into the existence of a tenth planet--a Planet X. Planet X is more than just a possible sun-circumcircuiting satellite. This orb contains within it every dream of mine that was dashed upon the rocks of despair.

When I see that artist's conception of Planet X staring off into a distant sun, the flashbacks of that fateful day haunt me still. So, International Astronomical Union, I call upon you to give credit where credit is due; to vanquish the specter of ghastly half-planets; to once and for all drive a stake through the heart of those who cut in line; so that I and everyone else who have felt that pain may know that we will finally have something to hold onto in this cruel world--that we may finally have our Planet X.

Nomadic Post

Well, as I shuffle from cave to cave (computer cluster to computer cluster) out here in the mountainous uninhabited wilds of having no computer, I've learned a few things:

-There is a lot of dust on my desk where my computer used to be.
-I end up studying a lot more with no computer to distract me.
-I tend to not do assignments that require files that exist only on my computer.
-Situations such as the one previously described are often causally linked to my pestering the Notre Dame Dell Solutions Center about the status of my computer.
-Dell Solutions Center employees, while knowledgable about some things, are quite testy with others:

"Hey, I was just wondering if I could get a status report on my computer"
"Sure, your name? [I give] Ooooooookay. They're actually working on it right now!"
"Great! When will it be ready?"
"Oh, I really don't know. The technician that's working on it isn't in today."
"Then how is it being worked on right now?"
"Oh, it's being worked on. It's on the workbench!"
"Well....I mean...."
"Yes?"
"It's nothing..."
"No, what?"
"Well, I don't know....I mean I have a hammer on my workbench at home but it's not being worked on"
"Actually, I think the technician might be on break."
"So is he is here?"
"Maybe. He's working on your computer"
"....when he's here?"
"I said he's on break."
"OK, cool, so he'll be back?"
"Not today"

Not today. Not today...

What is News?

Since Kevin's computer count is at 0, and mine is now 2, I'll try to pick up his slack.

As I commenced my daily news website scouring this afternoon, I realized CNN has quite poor perspective on what is important to the nationwide audience.

Here's a quick game:

Which of the following was CNN's lead article about 5pm EST today?

A. Coretta Scott King dies
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/31/obit.king/index.html

B. Alito confirmed to Supreme Court http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/31/alito/index.html

C. Bush prepares for State of the Union
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/31/bush.sotu/index.html

D. Ex-postal worker kills 5 in California
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/31/postal.shooting.ap/index.html

If you guessed D, you win. The one news item that really has nothing to do with 99% of us.

Thanks CNN.