Headlines

"Irish QB Clausen has medical procedure on elbow"
Will he still be able to fit into his jersey? I just hope it isn't noticeable. I don't really know how big a medical procedure is, but I would not want it hanging off my elbow like that.

"Police smash global pedophile ring"
They had previously tried throwing it into the fires of Mt. Doom, but were able to cut a few corners when one cop had an idea.

"Iraqis assure Bush progress being made"
It's pretty bad when one of the most unstable places in the world is in charge of helping our president.

"Bush has a rainy Father's Day"
Strangely, other fathers in the area have come forward reporting the same phenomenon.

"Caverns to remove exotic fish from pond"
The caverns are just going to blast them out. Everybody stands back when the caverns decide something has to go. Did the caverns consult environmental experts about this little plan? I assume the caverns share some kind of hive mind that enables them to make big decisions about the ecosystem.

"Red shrimp said may threaten food chain"
Red Lobster said to be first on his list. I'm not as worried about the food chain as I am about what else that red shrimp will threaten to do.