Saturday, April 29, 2006

Caught on the Bound Reclaimed from Childhood Bear

(JAKARTA, Indonesia - Caught on the Bound Newswire) Eight hours after a pre-dawn raid rooted him out, Lonestar Bear was finally defeated and control of the site was returned to Editor-in-Chief Kevin Curran. The website, heavily scarred in the week-long battle, appeared to suffer no serious damage.

"This is a proud day for websites everywhere. To know that a bear attack can be overcome is a ray of hope in this dark world" remarked Curran in his typical over-the-top rhetoric. Staff writer and popular genius Simon Roberts was not injured in the attack, but remains in unstable condition. This has not been fully explained.

Lonestar was finally captured by Caught on the Bound forces as he fled the office, coming under heavy fire. Standing a full ten inches tall, the bear could do little to avoid the human foe. Mangling the popular cliche, Lonestar exclaimed "You may have won the day, but the night brings threats you do not know!" In retrospect, those reporting this incident really have no idea which cliche he mangled. Curran has implemented plans to prevent the coming of night, if necessary.

"He's no Winnie-the-Pooh" stated one staff writer. Others nodded their heads. "He's not the kind of bear to shoot a rainbow out of his stomach or drink Coca-Cola."

Lonestar was extradited back to the realm of imagination where he awaits trial under charges of "information technology abuse" and violation of Stuffed Animal-Owner Code 44b.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Uh oh

As you can see, the site has slipped into all-out chaos. THE WAR MUST GO ON. CAUGHT ON THE BOUND WILL BE RESTORED IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT.

Join the resistance! Leave comments in all of Lonestar's posts to break his will. His defeat is our victory (for everyone keeping score at home).


I will now retrieve honey from that hive that Kevin has pointed out to me. How foolish he is to point out a source of nourishment to me!


Hey Lonestar! Is that hive full of delicious honey over there?! My gosh! I think it is! You better check it out!

I Rule the School

Welcome to the continuing reign of Lonestar. You must ignore Kevin's thought crimes. Here's my impression of one of Kevin's stupid posts:

Coca-Cola! It is so common! Did you know that it has been a round for a long time? Here are some images I stole from Wikipedia! I will now regurgitate another bit of pop culture history and disguise it as authentic journalism by including stupid comments in between like, "If it's bubbles they were looking for, they should have looked at the one they were standing on when they decided to make Coke II!"

As you can see, Kevin is a fraud. That's why I have been restored to glory through this site. Thank you to all who have supported my reign as Supreme Chancellor, er, webmaster of CotB. And you're absolutely right. I am too cute to have sinister intentions. I am too cute to have sinister intentions. I am too cute to have sinister intentions.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Kevin is wrong

Kevin is lying. He let me take over the site for a week. Also, look at how cute I am! No wonder he's trying to destroy me.

Kevin Here - I Hacked My Way Back Into the Site!

Lonestar has the door to the Caught on the Bound office locked, but I was able to circumvent his ego and gain access to my site. For the record, I never "handed over the reins" to this jerk. He forced me out. Though he be but 10 inches tall, he is mighty. Anyways, I'm going to try to subversively counter his every move until I get my website back. Don't listen to anything he says! Is it common for people to get into epic battles with their childhood stuffed animals?

What a weird week.

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Lonestar Bear

I'm in charge of this site now. I'm making comedy slam my own this week. I am the funniest bear in existence. Dead or living. Twice. Here are some of my best quotes:

"It's come to this. People would rather have elves make their crackers than the grocery store."

"Instead of talking with words and coining money, I find myself coining words and hoping that money talks."

"I watched the Olympics. This one skier just lost his ski and I was like 'are you going back for that? How will you get it back? Oh, he's not going to get it back.'"

"Don't worry about this angel food cake. It's not angels, it's just what they eat. And now they won't have anymore because you are a gluttonous sinner."

"Some people don't understand my sense of humor. But I always make a point to ride with them to the hospital."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is also a stuffed bear. We had irreconcilable similarities."

"If I were a statue in a Roman fountain, I would have water coming out my ears."

"Machine guns spoil us. I'm sure some soldier misses the manual days when the bullets were heaved in 3-man teams."

"People always ask me if bears ever wake up from hibernation and go 'OH MY GOD! WHAT TIME IS IT? APRIL? DID I MISS THE MATING?'"

"I ran a marathon once. Worst week ever."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Editor Hands CotB Reins to Childhood Bear for the Week

In a surprising managerial move, Caught on the Bound editor Kevin Curran has decided to hand over control of the website to his stuffed bear, Lonestar, for the remainder of the week.

"I was kind of strong-armed, actually" said Curran at the weekly press conference. "It's a complicated situation that goes back to a deal we made when I was in 3rd grade. I will not comment any more on this topic."

Staff members are baffled by the brief takeover, but seem willing to work with the new stuffed editor. "I've heard he's [Lonestar] rather egomaniacal and irrational, yet also quite visionary" said one staff member on condition of anonymity (but WE know who it is!). Investigation reveals that this "Lonestar" could bring this website to either crushing failure or fantastic success. "I think he started his own religion at some point during the 90s" remarked another staffer.

Whatever the case may be, we're in for a strange week.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Eddie Izzard

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon."

"Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them."

“This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.”- On Martin Luther

“If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult."

"We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag? ... No flag, no country!"

"After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer... "Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh all-right. This one goes here and that one there... Oh we need the Falklands! For strategic sheep purposes."

“'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.”

[God to Noah] "Build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible"

“Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all bastards!", then "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry..."”

“Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a... she's just a... she's dead, isn't she?”

"I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Car

John points out my new car on his fantastic blog, Obviously Losing. This car would drive me insane though, because I would never be able to solve the Rubik's Car. No pun intended on the "drive me insane," but now that I think about it, I should have intended because it's funny. Opportunity: missed. Ego: Shattered. Post: Finished.

"We turn the cube and it twists us." - Erno Rubik

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Litany Against Fear

From Frank Herbert's remarkable sci-fi novel Dune, as recited by the Bene Gesserit:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I'm going to start reciting this the next time I have to confront "seafood salad" at the dining hall.

Of course, I would probably get halfway through and take away the drama by forgetting a word or something: "Fear is the little-engine, wait, no, the little-big horn...BLARGH!....the little-egg McMuffin? Screw it. Let's bring in the inner eye." Anyways, give this powerful stuff a shot.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Pipe Dreams

Is anyone actually surprised that the Japanese are the first to do this? After all, I'm sure everyone remembers this scene:

"It's called Famicom! We'll market it in the US as 'Nintendo Entertainment System'"

"I don't know, seems kind of...boxy."

"That's the beauty! All of this fun in one box!"

"Alright, I'm hesistant due to Atari's waning popularity, but I will still place an order for a million billion units....NOW!"

The rest is...future I guess. I remember playing Super Mario Bros., struggling to figure out how to get down a pipe (press down, apparently), and soon beginning to wonder, "What if I could smell TV?" Well here it is.

I know this isn't the FIRST time smell has been put in theaters. Notable instances include the Muppet movie experience thing at Disney World and maybe something else like that, but is this the first time (other than perhaps a novelty experiment in the 20s) that this has been implemented? Someone get on this and inform me. After all, it took me three days to figure out that pressing down would make you go down a pipe.

(Pictured: Game referred to. Notice the timer at 364. I call these "methaseconds" because they travel like 4 times as fast as a second. Methaseconds, in small quantities especially, are capable of making music tempo increase, which in turn causes people to make stupid "death" mistakes like running into a Goomba or hopping down bottomless chasms.)

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Pirate Plank Redemption

Everyone has some idea of what a pirate is. Not the Napster/digital underground/bringing down the RIAA/don't copy that floppy kind of pirate, but the pirate of the seas. During a routine pirate sweep on the internet, I came across an interesting detailing of pirate punishments. With punishments such as Walking the Plank, Moses' Law, Cat O' Nine Tails, Marooning, Keel Hauling, and Hanging, I can understand why so many of these things ended in mutiny.

My own experience with pirates is somewhat extensive. I had a Lego pirate ship, the Black Seas Barracuda, that I would sail around the house (always with a few plastic Lego sharks close behind) and pretend to capture other action figures. I also saw pirates on TV. As you can see, I obviously have a large stake in understanding these crazy sons of bitches. Anyways, good luck with your own pirate endeavors.

Friday, April 14, 2006

"FEMA report blames FEMA" - CNN

I guess the main idea behind this would be that FEMA is to blame, according to FEMA. This reminds me of those instances where people refer to themselves in the third person. You know, like "Jeffrey is not amused with this."

"FEMA is not amused with FEMA's inaction. FEMA will hunt down those who are responsible."

Kevin is now going to stop writing because he exhausted himself. Kevin says goodbye. Don Corleone says hello. Bob Dole is good for the country!

Press Conference - 4/14/2006

Thanks everyone for coming, it's been a while.

"Is it true that the site owns a hut in Tahiti?"

Yes, almost all of that statement is true. No more questions on Tahiti, please.

"Do the comedians appearing in the Thursday Comedy Slam have any idea that they are being exploited?"

They have no idea. However, we take great care to provide a flattering picture with each selection of quotes to give people the illusion that they're looking at a still image who is speaking the reproduced text. Does that confuse you? Well, it's an illusion. Yes, with the suspenders back there,

"How serious are you about the open casting call?"

Have you ever heard of that satellite radio service? That's how sirius we are. Actually, we've had a few inquiries that we are currently working out. Expect to see some new faces, er, names in the near future.

"That pun was terrible."

Read the text under the title, punk.

*members of the press mumble to each other in contempt*

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Chris Rock

"Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing."

"If a bullet cost $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders."

"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 10% of the population and 90% of the final four."

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."

"A black man failing black history ... You know fat people don't fail cooking".

"Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. When Bush started his job, there was a budget surplus. Now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're closing out your register and it's $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for that. Then he started a war? Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and you start a war with Banana Republic because you know they're selling better tank tops than you. So now you've got employees bleeding all over the khakis. Then you finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place. "

"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Sunday Limerick

I woke up at the hour of seven
And said "oh no!" this isn't quite Kevin!
So I rolled on my sheet
To find I was beat
And waited till it was eleven.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Email of the Day (Possibly Email of the Year Due to Lack of Other Contenders)

The following email was received this afternoon.

"Hey! listen, i think this site is superbs and awesome! i was wonderin if i can come and can come work for you sometime in the next future. i am fine at looking up articles and placing information in your lap!! i'm only 15 so don't tell anyone or they might not think of me very much! LOL! k, talk to you soon!!!

~~[Name deleted to protect the innocent. The very innocent]"
If this were on the Daily Show, this is the part where Jon Stewart looks at the camera with a deadpan stare and lets you write your own punchline. I'm pretty sure I would get arrested if this 15 year old placed any information in my lap. Needless to say, I have decided against this hiring. We have enough teen angst as it is. Anyways, see you in the next future.

Gliding Ants

I guess that title pretty much sums up this post. Here they are.

I wonder if any of these ants has stood at the top of a tree, ready to end his or her life, taken the plunge and then realized halfway though the free fall (or tree fall ha ha) "Wait! What am I doing?! I still have a family of 3000 and a whole world to explore! I'm not ready to die!" and then swerved back toward the trunk.

Update: Ants apparently don't have that kind of cognitive ability according to our biology expert that I keep on the payroll for just such occasions.

Update 2: Ants often have families larger than 3000 too. I apologize for trying to have some fun with ants. It was ill-advised and I regret it.

Update 3: I have fired our biology expert.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Open Casting Call

As everyone knows, Caught on the Bound is nothing without the people who read it. That's why I was grudgingly pushed into have decided to ask readers to participate in the glory that is this website. Do you have a bit of funny you'd like to share with us? Have you recently completed a spicy number of pop journalism you'd like to contribute? Send forth!


(^This is my attempt at disguising the real email address from crazy spambots crawling the internet looking for prey.)

Topics related to any of the following will be given special consideration: Michelle Kwan, Coca-Cola, Captain Planet (not the Planeteers), and things that go "ehhhhh".

Fire away!

Thursday Comedy Slam - Jim Gaffigan

"I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'."

"There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough.' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're going to move!'

"Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, but when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers?"

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like stomach cramps."

"I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water."

"I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Biggest Wishbone EVER

Scientists discover giant turkeysaur. Remember how Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park first introduced many of us to the theory that birds might be descendants of dinosaurs? And how a T-Rex won't be able to see you if you don't move? Powerful, practical advice, that is! You almost forget he's fictional. Also, he looks just like Sam Neill.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Elusive 3480 Mark Surpassed - All Relieved

Papeete, TAHITI (Caught on the Bound Newswire) - Sighs of relief echoed off the thatched walls of the Caught on the Bound hut in Tahiti earlier today. "It's too bad I couldn't actually be at our company hut on such a monumental day" lamented senior staff writer and news editor Simon Roberts, a long-time employee. For several months, the site had eagerly anticipated the 3480 hit mark, only to be disappointed time after time. "It reminds me of that Cyndi Lauper song" said editor Kevin Curran. "The whole 'time after time' part, I suppose. Anyways, did we get anyone to check out whose sighs of relief actually did echo off the thatched walls in our hut? Because that's our hut."

Curran continued this rambling for another two minutes before Roberts seized the microphone and with it, control of the press conference. "We are proud that this site was finally able to get the monkey off its back. 3480 is a hit count that many aspire to, but few actually attain" continued Roberts, a 4-time high school academic year completer, who once stated in 8th grade science class that removing a book from the lab table would "enhance its aesthetic value," a comment that caused Mr. Evanston and the rest of the class to cast the popular genius awkward glances.

"I look forward to the next 3480 hits" said Curran. "Time after time."

Monday, April 03, 2006

Just so you know...

That post from April 1 about me shutting down the blog...that was an April Fool's Day joke. Not that anyone actually emailed me with a list of 55 reasons why I should continue the blog or accosted me in the hallway for failing to live up to my satirical responsibilities. I fully intend to carry Caught on the Bound into the next century if possible, even if that means using anachronistic technology to sustain it. Of course, once I get to the next century I'll probably slack off and stop updating because my biomechanical fingers won't be programmed for old-fashioned typographical input. Just so you know.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

In the Hands of Destiny

A great Japanese warrior named Nobunaga decided to attack the enemy although he had only one-tenth the number of men the opposition commanded. He knew that he would win, but his soldiers were in doubt.

On the way he stopped at a Shinto shrine and told his men: "After I visit the shrine I will toss a coin. If heads comes, we will win; if tails, we will lose. Destiny holds us in her hand." Nobunaga entered the shrine and offered a silent prayer. He came forth and tossed a coin. Heads appeared.

His soldiers were so eager to fight that they won their battle easily. "No one can change the hand of destiny," his attendant told him after the battle. "Indeed not," said Nobunaga, showing a coin which had been doubled, with heads facing either way.

From: 101 Zen Stories

Saturday, April 01, 2006

It was a good run...

But I'm afraid Caught on the Bound will have to close down. I just don't have the time to maintain the site. Thanks everyone for reading! Until next time!