Belated Thursday Comedy Slam! - Gandalf

"His treachery runs deeper than you know. By foul craft, Saruman has crossed Orcs with goblin men. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Isengard. An army that can move in sunlight and cover a great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Ring and he's not going to stay for tea and sandwiches."

"It is in Men that we must place our hope. *laughs*"

"A Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run."

"The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn! You shall not pass! No, I'm serious. See the staff?"

"Gandalf? Yes... that was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Gray. That was my name. Wait, ask me to do a magic trick now so I can deny it and then "remember" how for you."

"The veiling shadow that glowers in the East takes shape. Sauron will suffer no rival. From the summit of Barad-dur his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. You see, he wears a contact."

"Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east. I will be hungover far beyond any other in this world."

"From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. I have since quit dropping acid."