The United Countries of Baseball

In case you didn't know which team you were supposed to be supporting. Click for larger version.

Department of Redundancy Department

This article from Reuters via Yahoo! News seemed to think one bit of info stood out:

First sentence of the article:

Adults should engage in moderately intense exercise for at least 30 minutes five days a week or vigorous exercise at least 20 minutes three days each week, experts recommended on Wednesday.

Then, in the middle of the article:

The new guidelines call for healthy adults to engage in moderate-intensity aerobic physical activity for at least 30 minutes five days each week, or vigorous-intensity aerobic exercise for at least 20 minutes three days a week.

Then, at the end of the article:

"These guidelines, engaging in moderate-intensity aerobic physical activity for at least 30 minutes five days each week, or vigorous-intensity aerobic exercise for at least 20 minutes three days a week, should help this big public health problem that we face"

Is this a brilliant way of pummeling this into our heads or just a lack of attention? This article from Reuters via Yahoo! News seemed to think one bit of info stood out.

UPDATE: The quote at the end of the article is gone! Someone must have realized how stupid this was starting to sound.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

From Caught on the Bound's Department of Keep-Them-Guessing-What-We'll-Post-Next, we now present a brief overview of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Its adherents, often called Pastafarians, profess their belief in this Spaghedeity. The religion's primary prophet, Bobby Henderson, an Oregon State University physics graduate, revealed this Gospel in an open letter to the Kansas State Board of Education in reaction to their decision to allow Intelligent Design to be taught in school science classes.

Flying Spaghetti Monster is a sort of new take on Bertrand Russell's famous Teapot. The religion points out the arbitrariness of teaching only one "scientific theory" of Intelligent Design in schools, while others, such as the, uh, Christian version, are accepted.

Some interesting facts from the Wikipedia page:

-Official prayers are concluded with "RAmen."

-The Prophet Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s" (an illustration of how correlation does not necessarily mean causation). Accompanying chart here.

For those in spiritual starvation, know that there is always a noodly appendage for you to chew on.

Paradigm Shift

Duck?
Rabbit?

Receding Headlines

OJ Simpson blames ghost author over murder book

Sure! Blame it on the ghosts! Why don't we ask the skeletons in OJ's closet a few questions? Headline tomorrow: "OJ Simpson blames ghost murderer over murders"

Iraq role to last years, cost more: officials

Well, hold on, now...let's see how this surge does first before we make any decisions or even think about thinking. Talking about anything emboldens the enemy!

Dow Jones OKs $5 bln sale to News Corp: source
News Corp board OKs deal to buy Dow Jones: source

Take your pick of these headlines. Was it News Corp that OKed or was it Dow Jones? We report, you decide. Also, it's reassuring to know that there are sources behind headlines. Because sometimes I get the distinct impression that maybe there aren't.

Keith Richards rolling in book dough

It's like Play-Doh. Somehow I can totally see Keith Richards rolling in any kind of dough - book, Play, cookie, you name it.

Edwards’s Campaign Tries to Harness Internet

This is a funny mental image. Out of Al Gore's COLD DEAD HANDS.

Labor likes all the ’08 Democrats

Alternative headline: "Labor for anything against '08 Republicans"

Frisbee in the Rain

English: A Caught on the Bound Original Series - Episode I: Spelling Test

As promised, the first installment of a Caught on the Bound's week-long series on the English language - its oddities, powers, foibles, and greatest hits! We begin with a spelling test. Don't worry, you won't have to spell anything. Here's the test: by looking, see if you can tell which of the following words are misspelled:

supercede

conceed

procede

idiosyncracy

concensus

accomodate

impressario

irresistable

rhythym

opthalmologist

diptheria

anamoly

afficianado

caesarian

grafitti

How many do you think are misspelled? Some are obviously wrong. Others look right. But they're all wrong. As a student of Japanese, I lamented the fact that each kanji character could have a number of pronunciations or meanings with no consistent reading. As it turns out, English is just as often a matter of recognizing words as a cluster of letters that phonetically make little sense. Wired how you can udreanstd tihs sneetncee ins't it? Atefr a pniot, we sotp sunodnig wrods out and sratt momeizrnig tehm. Spelling correctly in English often requires us to simply "know" rather than logically sound a word out. Now, the correct spellings for the words listed above: supersede, concede, proceed, idiosyncrasy, consensus, accommodate, impresario, irresistible, rhythm, ophthalmologist, diphtheria, anomaly, aficionado, cesarean, and graffiti

It all seems so stupid, doesn't it? But would you really feel comfortable spelling everything phonetically? Wud yoo rilly feel komfterbul spelleeng evrytheeng foenetiklee? As you can see, it's flat-out impossible without a standard phonetic alphabet (which dictionaries employ). Some of you will even quibble with the way I phonetically sounded out some of those words in the above sentence. Now that we've been thurolee pissed off by English, we'll look next at its more endearing qualities...

Way to Use Your Headlines

Rice, Gates offer arms, seek help on Mideast trip

I imagine taking a trip into a crossfire is difficult without upper appendages. That said, what a sacrifice!

US announces major Middle East arms package

Said to contain limbs from Rice, Gates. Packed in dry ice?

'Crappy' Souvenirs Made from Panda Poo

I don't get it.

Senate to Weigh Joint Chiefs Nomination

The scales of justice are put to use!

The Radio

Now that I've finally matured, I can say with confidence that much of who I am goes back to a character in the 1987 animated film, The Brave Little Toaster. Yes, I have matured so much. The film, based on the book by Thomas Disch, tells the story of five household appliances who go searching for their Master.

The Radio, voiced by Jon Lovitz, is an old-fashioned bit of electronics and the only character without eyes or a face - he's simply a voice behind a grill who seems to think that one of the Roosevelts is still president.

It's hard to look back at your life and pinpoint pivotal stages of development, but I'm quite certain that any sense of humor I have now is firmly rooted in this character. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the radio:

"I think Houdini did this once, and if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time."

The Radio: Things could be worse you know.
Lampy: How?
The Radio: How what?
Lampy: How could they be worse?
The Radio: They couldn't; I lied.

The Radio: If you sabre wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through in an instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley!
[the Radio continually whacks Lampy with his antenna, Blanky falls on them]
The Radio: A blow for Richard! A blow for Marion! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the guys on 5th street!

"I've always loved travel anyway: the open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grill."

The Radio: [thinking Kirby is a whale] Damn thee accursed whale! By the depths of Hell I stabbeth thee!
Kirby: Climb on, you idiot!
The Radio: Oh, it's you.

Blanky: You can't fool us. We love you.
The Radio: That's right, like Mrs. Roosevelt loved her husband.

"Why listen to this. I'm picking up something. I think its a news flash: President Roosevelt has declared today a national holiday in honor of those five amazing appliances we've all been hearing about. So lock up the office, take down the top and open that rumble seat. Last one to Coney Island is a party pooper. From the starlight roof high atop the Ritz, we wish our intrepid little friends the best of luck and a fond farewell."

"Get ready, you devil dogs, because the master bebop blaster of all time is about to give you a soul injection."

Lampy: Are you sure this is the right way?
The Radio: I'm as sure as I am honest.
Lampy: In that case, we're definitely lost.

Next Week on Caught on the Bound

-The story behind the enigmatic site counter

-Kevin revisits his Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows predictions to gloat/hang his head in shame (Does it need to be said? Spoiler alert! Finish the book!)

-A behind-the-scenes look at Caught on the Bound. This 30-second tour, complete with telling photographs and obfuscating text, will show you the inner machinations of the blog Time magazine once called "stop sending us letters about your stupid blog!" They're such jokesters, that Time magazine.

-The debut of a week-long series on the more hellish recesses of the English language. Why is we spoke dem ways we don't not? Why is speling so arbitrary? Why are the endings of through, though, thought, tough, plough, thorough, hiccough, and lough all pronounced differently? (That last one is pronounced loch...with that gutteral ccckkkk sound at the end.) Now I need to wipe my screen down after that gutteral sound.

-Announcements for several CotB Contests in the works. Perhaps the best way to understand this concept is through a simple analogy. I have no way of proving that, though.

Headlines or Tailshapes?

Former US sailors shake hands with Japan kamikaze

Fortunately, the kamikaze didn't end up being a true kamikaze. Read this article, very cool.

Controversy? Nepal's "goddess" prefers instant noodles

Sometimes, certain headlines don't require smartass remarks to explain them.

Pentagon makes contingency plans for Iraq pullout

You know, because they never thought of this before...

Asian markets decline after Dow plunges (AP)

Asian Market #1: "Oh, crap! Look at the Dow!"
Asian Market #2: "Hey! Watch where you're going!"
*CRASH*

FBI chief contradicts Gonzales testimony (AP)

Fox News has FBI chief "challenging" Gonzales testimony.

Hidden Underwater City Wows Experts

Is a hidden underwater city really capable of wowing an expert...on hidden underwater cities?

Blog: In 12 million years, we're dead

Now would be a good time to...live.

Senate OKs package urged by 9/11 panel

Packages urged by terrorists were not OKed. In fact, they're really holding up airports a lot lately.

Giants 2, Braves 1: Braves Fall to Giants; Bonds No Closer to Record

No one goes home happy.

Nationalism gains strength in Japan

And our grandparents remember how well this went last time....

Traffic Stat of the Day - A Ginny Weasley Cameo

There have been a lot of hits on this site from individuals searching for "ginny weasley" and "spanking" on search engines, no doubt fueled by my Harry Potter predictions below in which I separately refer to Ginny and the possibility of Dudley getting spanked.

That said, the funniest part of it all is that these people have to be familiar with the characters to even venture searching for this combination. These people either read the books or saw the movies, and then decided one night, "You know what? It's time to enter the search terms 'ginny weasley' and 'spanking.'" You sick sick Harry Potter fans. Gah!

Now it's time to brace for the inevitable wave of search results this page will show up on now...

Into the Lion's Den

My neighborhood here in the dry hills of Orange County, CA has been put under "Mountain Lion Alert" after several sightings and an ill-placed deer carcass in the area. Apparently, the hills are dry enough to force other animals into our canyons in search of water, and the mountain lions are following. Logical, makes sense. THUS! Let the sensationalism begin!

As tales of the mountain lions' deeds spread, so to does the hype and legend! Mountain lions (or cougars or pumas or panthers or baaaad kitties, whatever you call them) have taken on a mythic quality around here.

"I saw one walk across the street. Did you hear me? THE STREET! And you'll never guess what else I saw! Two cubs with her! (The nerve...) And she was HUGE."

This might be a good time to try a little social engineering. Maybe I'll plant some myths and disinformation into the public consciousness here:

-Mountain lions are attracted to fear and will actively seek you out if they can feel it

-Mountain lions have learned to climb trees and will jump on the hood of your car as you pass!

-Mountain lions spawn other smaller mountain lions that will grow up to be NORMAL mountain lions!

-Mountain lions can read minds

-Mountain lions can smell blood, sweat, and unconditioned hair from over 10 miles away

-Mountain lions have been known to fly short distances

-One guy down the street says his friend across the golf course saw a mountain lion microwave its prey with its eyes

-Not only will mountain lions jump on your car, they will try to take control of the vehicle from you so they can search for water


In any case, I'm apparently not supposed to be out running right now. Normally, I would say something like "pssshh" to that, but after reading my own hype, I think I might kick back and read a book instead.

Since You're Gone

Straight out of 1982 and directly to you, it's The Cars' "Since You're Gone," a delightfully quirky music video that has captured my imagination and held it prisoner on some remote island of detached early-era MTV surrealism.



Some observations:

-It sure is a drag to wake up and find that your sweetie is no longer there to make plastic eggs for you
-Flowers are a tell-tale sign that a female is around. Guys don't have time for fragrant botanical side-quests in life! When the woman leaves, the flowers vanish, and part of your soul dies.
-The idea of a girlfriend's shoes walking out on a guy is just awesome. Guys tend not to walk out on girls as much for some reason, but I'm sure if one did, a parade of power tools would march right out of the garage.
-Interesting....Sunshine Movers seems to prefer the clandestine night-time operation. What are they covering up? Or is it some metaphorical nod to the lonely darkness following the break-up of a sunny relationship?

(WARNING: Don't read comments...possible HARRY POTTER SPOILERS...have I mentioned that?)

My Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Predictions

WARNING!! DO NOT READ ANY COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG - POSSIBLE SPOILERS FROM JACKASSES!

That said, don't read my predictions below if you want nothing to do with the book until you read it.

Here are my predictions for the final book, posted here so that I can check them after completing it. Enjoy! Again, I strongly urge you to AVOID the COMMENTS - SPOILERS MAY ABOUND.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Predictions

The Serious Stuff

-Voldemort will suffer a fate worse than death

-Harry will live

-Harry’s scar is a Horcrux; but he will think that HE is up until the last minute

-Snape is good, but had no choice but to kill Dumbledore, who pleaded with him to complete the task for the sake of the Order of the Phoenix; Narcissa Malfoy (not with intention to deceive) snuck in that last bit of the Unbreakable Vow about completing Draco’s task, catching Snape off-guard

-Draco Malfoy will redeem himself; Lucius will remain in Azkaban

-Bellatrix Lestrange bites the pixie dust

-Ron and Hermione will end up together, but not during the course of this book

-Neville will do some SICK magic, kill Bellatrix Lestrange, and play a crucial role in Voldemort’s defeat (there’s a reason he is in Gryffindor and not the arguably more suitable Hufflepuff)

-Percy Weasley redeems himself to his family and dies

-Dumbledore is dead, but will speak through his portrait at Hogwarts

-Sirius will return in some form (Jedi ghosty thing?!)

-Harry will pass through the veil

-Hagrid will live and become Head of Gryffindor House

-Peter Pettigrew repays his life debt to Harry

-Lupin dies

The Fun (possibly outlandish) Stuff

-A Death Eater will fall victim to one of Fred and George Weasley’s joke items

-Sirius will return on his flying motorcycle and look dead sexy doing it

-All of the cats in the story will have some big secret to spill (Crookshanks, Mrs. Norris, Mrs. Figg’s felines, even McGonagall in Animagus form)

-Petunia Dursley gives Dudley a spanking

-Filch will perform magic

-Ginny Weasley also does some SICK magic and makes life hell for several Death Eaters

-The Giant Squid in the lake near Hogwarts is an Animagus

-Snape brews a potion that puts “a stopper in death” that saves Harry

-Harry and Ginny end up together (another Potter ends up with an attractive, red-headed girl) and they go on to have seven children, all of them boys except the youngest

-Buck—er Witherwings will attack Death Eaters and generally be pissed off at evil

-I have no idea what Dudley’s biggest fear is

-Harry is a descendant of Godric Gryffindor through his mother

WARNING!!!

Don't read any comments on this site....people have been going around posting what they think to be SPOILERS regarding the last HARRY POTTER book. Unless, of course, you don't care.

I'm working to remove them if I can.

Skip Aheadlines

Bush denies al Qaeda at pre-September 11 strength

No comment regarding on-September 11 strength.

Fuel oil-laden tanker grounded off New York City

What they can't figure out, is how it ever got off the ground in the first place.

Gun shops under closer scrutiny (AP)

It has something to do with the sale of weapons. We always knew they had something to do with the use of guns...

CBS News chief: Couric staying anchored (AP)

Get it? Because she's the anchor...and she's staying!

Man owes $10,000 for child who's not his

That's usually how adoption works, isn't it? Except this isn't adoption.

Potter's magic breaks record

There has to be a charm that can fix it, though.

Food vendor's buns are made of cardboard

This makes it especially difficult for him to sit on a wet bench.

Lightning + iPods = ZZZZZTTTTTT!

ZZZZZTTTTTT! is the standard CNN style guide-approved term for onomatopoeic electrocutions. Note the 6 Ts as opposed to the 5 Zs.

Fencer leaves PanAm Games after stabbing

That's the object of the sport right? Other news: "Swimmer leaves meet after getting wet"

Samoan Butterflies Evolving Fast

Just a few weeks ago they were these worm-like crawly things!

Skymall

You really have no choice. Whenever you fly on an airplane, it is always in the seat pocket in front of you. You've read (well, looked) through the safety card that has illuminating ideas like "run away from fire" or "use the slide." The airline magazine crossword has already been done (like the previous person actually knew all of the answers without turning to page 114!). What else is left?

Skymall.

The magazine of luxurious excess. A few items that I noticed on my last flight, conveniently found on the interweb tubes as well:

Gravity Defyer Dress Shoes

Not only is this the first printed instance of the word "defyer" I've ever seen, it's also a ludicrous product. In my simpleton mind, Gravity Defyer means FLYING. What do these dress shoes do?

As your weight changes to the balls of your feet, the hidden shock absorber generated upward pressure pushing your body upward. This mechanism give you the feeling of jumping like a kangaroo (or some say feel like flying) each time you step with the Gravity Defyer Shoe.

Have a more Active Lifestyle

Appear 2" Taller

Ease Joint Pain and Pressure on Your Spine

Look like a Million Dollars

If you managed to get past the incorrect verb tense in the first sentence, you probably realized that this shoe doesn't really do anything. I have little dress shoe experience, but I don't know of many people who would look like a million dollars jumping around (or FLYING) like a kangaroo all day.

How about the Voice-Activated Grocery List Organizer? Tired of using a simple pen or pencil? Now you can watch your list flow out of this elegant Star Trek-prop without the hassle of basic writing skills! OK, so maybe this could be kind of cool. But for $149.99? That would buy you about 300 BIC pens and several trees to write lists on for the rest of your life. Does anyone actually sit there and go, "You know, I am so SICK of WRITING down these grocery lists! I just want to go and shop!" For me, the creation of the grocery list is a great way of procrastinating the actual dreadful task itself.

Or the Instant Screened-In Room! What better way to enjoy the outdoors than to go outside to go inside? Did the guy who invented this think, "You know, I really like being outside, but sometimes I just want to go inside." Now you can sit outside in your inside and look at your home and go, "Oh yeah! That place!"

The only thing left in the seat-pocket is a vomit bag.

The following post has been rated

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* bomb (3x)
* death (2x)
* zombie (1x

Kids! Get some guidance before reading this! I had no idea this was such a morbid blog. We'll do everything we can to keep it that way.

(Hat tip: John)

Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues

Will Return in One Week

I'll be taking a week off from Caught on the Bound. The interns have been instructed to make absolutely certain that nothing happens. That includes posting.

Anyways, here's a shot of the interns we currently have on staff for the summer:


I'm somewhere in the middle, behind the important-looking guy in the suit.

The Hunt for Bigfoot

It's underway in Michigan.

Dr. Grover Krantz, a scientist specializing in cryptozoology, believes Bigfoot is a "gigantopithecus," a branch of primitive man believed to have existed 3 million years ago.

But mainstream scientists tend to dismiss the study as pseudoscience because of unreliable eyewitness accounts and a lack of solid physical evidence.

You may remember Dr. Grover Krantz for his memorable role on television. He has since lost his blue radiance due to the demanding nature of cryptozoology. Bigfoots (or Sasquatches, Yetis, King Kongs, Velociraptors, etc) continue to be a nagging thorn in the side of mainstream science. I think cryptozoology is a legitimate area of study, though. Remember that one fish scientists found in the ocean that was thought to have been extinct for millions of years?

What is it with these "mainstream scientists" and their incessant need for "solid physical evidence"? They just need to believe, man.

Prime Minister's Questions: Good Luck Gordon Brown

With Gordon Brown taking over as Prime Minister after Tony Blair's departure, I figured today would be a good opportunity to highlight some of the fun quirks and intricacies of the parliamentary system in the UK. For this, we turn to our Caught on the Bound Senior Parliamentary Analyst.

Right, that's me. Now, where is that talking points sheet....ah, here.

Hoots! Hollers! Order! Chaos! Do these words come to mind when you think of government? Most likely. But do they come to mind when...

OK, that was rather dumb. Let's try again.

One of my favorite events to watch, be they on C-SPAN, BBC, or YouTube, are the Prime Minister's Questions, a constitutional convention of Parliament in which the Prime Minister will answer questions in the House of Commons, often sparring with the Opposition Leader over matters ranging from policy to the Prime Minister's daily appointments. The result is a healthy, lively, and often humorous debate. It gets even more interesting when the Speaker of the House of Commons interrupts to shut everyone up, shouting over the hollers and jeers of the entire House. Check out this example (skip to the 6:00 mark to watch a funny exchange with the Speaker):




Can you imagine what would happen if President Bush had to do this every week? This is no knock on the U.S. form of government, but you have to admire the open and accountable nature of PMQs.

Researchers May Remake Neanderthal DNA

So it says here at Unexplained Mysteries, a website that I definitely do not scan like a hawk every day hoping for a big "break" to prove skeptics wrong. I know they are only referring to constructing the genome, but it makes you wonder what would happen if some mad scientists managed to get one to run around and scare us to death. Would we consider this Neanderthal a human? A different species? I can hear the ethical angst simmering already. If you read that last sentence again, you'll find that it was a strange one.

You know, I could point to several pieces of non-empirical fictional evidence that lead me to believe that something like this might not be the best idea:

Press Conference - June 25, 2007

Great, everyone calm down. I know it's been a while since we've done one of these, but please, for the love of all things, chill! Now, let's get started, you there, sir.

"A lot of blogs, well, personal blogs, tend to have titles like "The Ramblings of John Doe" or "The Scrambled Thought Process of John Doe" or "Musings of John Doe." Why doesn't Caught on the Bound adopt a similar title?"

That's a great question. Good stuff. People who start blogs have a few things in common: they think they have something worth saying; they have confidence; and they believe themselves to be reasonably intelligent. I think, when someone makes a blog, they tend to compensate for the ego push by "downplaying" their abilities as "ramblings" or "musings." Caught on the Bound, of course, is a collective team effort made up of myself and whoever I haven't fired. Also, we're just f***king Caught on the Bound. Yeah, you...

"I noticed that a high percentage of your pictures on the site come from Wikipedia. Why?"

That's a great question. Caught on the Bound uses an in-house Integrity Index to rank its sources. Here it is:

1. Wikipedia
2. Hearsay
3. Widely-believed facts
4. Stories from old people
5. Google
6. The New York Times
7. The grapevine
8. CNN
9. Fox News
10. Empirical data

As you can see, Wikipedia is the most trusted source. Since Hearsay and Widely-believed facts rarely provide photos, we do what we have to.

I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue

Listen to it here.

From the BBC Radio 4 website:

The self-styled antidote to panel games. First broadcast in 1972, this hugely popular panel game regularly features high-calibre comedians such as Stephen Fry, Sandy Toksvig, Paul Merton and Jeremy Hardy.

I've become addicted to this show. While listening, I often get a sense of "Oh, that is SO a British inside-joke," but then I eventually realize why it's funny: because everyone else is laughing. The description sums up this show well: "a self-styled antidote to panel games" followed by, in the next sentence, "this hugely popular panel game." I don't know which it is, but one of them is funny.

Upon further review, this post made no sense whatsoever.

Don't Lose Your Headlines

Google Asks Court to Extend

Enough with Google and their vague demands! Extend...a ligament? The length of a sentence? Maybe they just want the judge to stretch out his gavel arm.

US student loses free speech case

The bad news: the student lost the case.
The good news: the speech inside of it was free, so it's not like a lot of money was wasted.
I hope we find that case, though, because we're talking about a whole Bill of Right here.

At Wimbledon, a Missing Player: the Roof

That's incorrect. It was Col. Mustard, in the billiard room, with the candlestick (not the roof). Good try though. I can't really come down on this too harshly as my own Clue skills are negligible.

Victim's mom: Nothing in alleged killer cop's eyes

Are we talking about a literal piece of matter in the cop's eyes or something abstract like "menace" or "envy"? Because I think it makes a difference.

Barrasso sworn in as Senate debates divisive issues

Remember the good ol' days when the Senate would debate unifying issues? That was so much easier. Everyone was like, "Raise your hand if you are FOR family values. The ayes have it, 100-0 this measure PASSES."

First-known albino mountain goat spotted in Italian Alps

Is that so? I didn't realize albino goats could have spots and still qualify as albino. Lies!

Newsweek Poll Says We Isn't Learned Hard Enough

Newsweek claims its recent poll on general knowledge and cultural literacy generated "disheartening results." (Hat tip: dcl via Brendan) As some commentators pointed out, the survey itself misspelled Jane Austen's last name and "decided" that we are, in fact, losing the War on Terror. COME ON NEWSWEEK! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE JOURNALISTIC GAME!

His Limits

I've decided to participate in an Internet meme from The Baker Street Blog:

In the blogosphere, a standard term is "meme." According to Wikipedia, a meme is "a unit of cultural information transmitted from one mind to another." In other words, it's a conversation-starter.

Adam's Blog - a non-Sherlockian blog at that - started a Sherlock Holmes meme, which I'll continue here. The idea is to either post a comment with your responses, or post your answers on your own blog, if you have one, providing a link to this post.

In Chapter 2 of A Study in Scarlet, Dr. Watson atttempts to capture the essence of his new acquaintance for the reader by creating a list that he titles "Sherlock Holmes - his limits."

Knowledge of Literature. -- Nil.


" " Philosophy. -- Nil.


" " Astronomy. -- Nil.


" " Politics. -- Feeble.


" " Botany. -- Variable. Well up in belladonna, opium, and poisons generally. Knows nothing of practical gardening.


Knowledge of Geology. -- Practical, but limited. Tells at a glance different soils from each other. After walks has shown me splashes upon his trousers, and told me by their colour and consistence in what part of London he had received them.


Knowledge of Chemistry. -- Profound.


" " Anatomy. -- Accurate, but unsystematic


" " Sensational Literature. -- Immense. He appears to know every detail of every horror perpetrated in the century.


Plays the violin well.


Is an expert singlestick player, boxer, and swordsman.


Has a good practical knowledge of British law.

So, on with our meme!

1) What is something you know practically nothing about?

Finance

2) What is something where your knowledge is weak?

Mathematics

3) What is something you know just enough about to get by?

Music of the past 40 years

4) What is something where you have a profound depth of knowledge?

UFOs, presidential trivia, Sherlock Holmes canon, college football

5) What is something that you do even though you don't do it well?

Viola

6) What is something you are expert at?

The Diabolo

What about you? What are your limits? If you have a blog, please post these questions and link back to this post; if you don't have a blog, I welcome comments.

Headlines

"Irish QB Clausen has medical procedure on elbow"
Will he still be able to fit into his jersey? I just hope it isn't noticeable. I don't really know how big a medical procedure is, but I would not want it hanging off my elbow like that.

"Police smash global pedophile ring"
They had previously tried throwing it into the fires of Mt. Doom, but were able to cut a few corners when one cop had an idea.

"Iraqis assure Bush progress being made"
It's pretty bad when one of the most unstable places in the world is in charge of helping our president.

"Bush has a rainy Father's Day"
Strangely, other fathers in the area have come forward reporting the same phenomenon.

"Caverns to remove exotic fish from pond"
The caverns are just going to blast them out. Everybody stands back when the caverns decide something has to go. Did the caverns consult environmental experts about this little plan? I assume the caverns share some kind of hive mind that enables them to make big decisions about the ecosystem.

"Red shrimp said may threaten food chain"
Red Lobster said to be first on his list. I'm not as worried about the food chain as I am about what else that red shrimp will threaten to do.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)

Things You Didn't Know About Paul!

My good friend Paul Nguyen had these interesting facts about himself in his AIM profile. Enjoy:

Things You Didn't Know About Paul!

- In High School, Paul was among the top 3% of math students, competed in the high school math "Superbowl" and other math invitationals.

- In College, Paul received "D"s both semesters of calculus.

- In High School, Paul performed Shubert's Unfinished Symphony with his orchestra to win a Grammy for most outstanding music program.

-In College, Paul performed in the Notre Dame Symphony Orchestra only to fall asleep (while playing his violin) during rehearsals.


I can verify the college facts. I should also point out that he was still hitting most of the notes while falling asleep in rehearsal. Incidentally, Paul has been offered a position as a Senior Staff Writer for Caught on the Bound.

"You'll Be Hooked on the Brothers!"

Like some kind of soul-destroying drug.

The Bookshelf

I think I have one of the strangest bookshelves. Here are some of the titles I currently find staring at me:

Scams, Shams, and Flimflams: A History of Hoax
The Boy Scout Handbook (1962 edition)
The Oxford English Dictionary
Classic Sitcoms
East, West by Salman Rushdie
George Orwell: A Collection of Essays
The Classic Fairy Tales
Conspiracies and Cover-Ups
A Call to Conscience: The Landmark Speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
A General Theory of Love
A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Presidential Anecdotes
Crime and Punishment
Unexplained Phenomenon
The Lives of Great Composers
Central Middle School Yearbooks 1997
Computers Simplified
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Chess
The Encyclopedia of World War II
The Lord of the Rings trilogy
The Radicalism of the American Revolution
Faster Reading - Self-Taught (this is a 500 page book from 1979)
Players of Cooperstown: Baseball's Hall of Fame
The Comedy Thesaurus
The Three Theban Plays, Sophocles
A Window on Williamsburg
The Complete Sherlock Holmes, Vol. II
Human Genetics
The Vital Guide to Fighting Aircraft of World War II
The Hound of the Baskervilles
Roughing it, Mark Twain
Shogun, James Clavell
several World Almanacs
Surfacing, Margaret Atwood
The Kodansha Kanji Learner's Dictionary
Hamlet
Vindication, Lyndall Gordon, biography of Mary Wollstonecraft
MLA Handbook
Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami
Intermediate Japanese for Advanced Speakers and Late Beginners (OK, I made up the last six words)
Mythology, Edith Hamilton
The Magic Handbook
Pride and Prejudice
1984
The Worst Case Survival Handbook: First and College Editions, I also see Travel up there
Snow White, Blood Red
A Passage to India, E.M. Forster
The Shadow Lines, Amitav Ghosh
Waiting for the Barbarians, J.M. Coetzee

My interests are whimsical and ridiculous. Far from being widely-read, I find myself to be increasingly narrowly-written. Caught on the Bound interns are picking that phrase apart.

Some of these titles don't even make sense to me. I don't even know anything about baseball or Cooperstown. And I'm pretty sure that Computers Simplified book comes from 1989, which would explain the title. That old Boy Scout Handbook is quite amusing. An excerpt:

"So keep your mouth shut and the passage through your nose clear. Always blow your nose gently and one nostril at a time, never both together. If you have trouble breathing through your nose, let a doctor take a look at it."

Yes, not being able to breath is one of the tell-tale symptoms of.....uh....death. I can imagine some irate scoutmaster shouting at those Tenderfoots trying to blow both nostrils at once. "You'll never make Eagle, Smith! You were a Tenderfoot yesterday and you'll be a Tenderfoot tomorrow!"

Another excerpt, from the inevitably hilarious "From Boy to Man" section:

"There are boys who do not let nature have its own way with them but cause emissions themselves. This may do no physical harm, but may cause them to worry. Any real boy knows that anything that causes him to worry should be avoided or overcome. If anything like this worries you, this is not unusual - just about all boys have the same problem. Seek the correct answer to any question which bothers you about your development from boy to man. But be sure to get your information from reliable sources - your parents, your physician, your spiritual advisor."

Yes, I suppose there is a lesson to be learned. Little Johnny took nature into his own hands and now he is worried! I like the vagueness of "worry" but I think a better word might be "guilt-ridden" or "dirty dirty filth" or "happy." What do they do if there is physical harm? I believe the answer to that is also "worry." We also know that "any real boy" knows to avoid worrying. Don't let those fake or imitation boys fool you.

I have a question about my development from boy to man: What was this whole paragraph about? Worrying about "emissions"? Sounds like a concern for the EPA or NASA.

I think I might make excerpts from this old Boy Scout Handbook a regular thing.

19th-Century Weapon Found in Whale

A 19th-century bomb lance fragment was found in a whale caught off the coast of Alaska. I didn't even realize whales could live that long. If I caught a whale that old, I think I might consider throwing it back.

UPDATE: Sorry, I just had to interject in this one-sided conversation because I can't get my mind off the idea that someone shot a "bomb lance" into this whale, who we will now call Hector for compassion purposes. A bomb lance is a device that is shot into the whale with a time-delay fuse meant to explode after penetration. This seems better suited to zombie attacks or slime molds attacking Cleveland than for stout-hearted Hector (remember, that's his name now). What's even more impressive is that Hector apparently shook off this exploding harpoon and went on living for a hundred or so more years! Hector is a bowhead whale, a species found only in Arctic waters. Sorry, I didn't know any other way of ending that paragraph.

I also find it funny that whenever an AP article is talking about something old, like a tortoise or Hector, they always have to give the RBH Index: how old something is relative to the administration of President Rutherford B. Hayes, who has assumed the role of standard 19th-century age marker. Since Hector was a contemporary of fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, I would say he was about 2.1 GigaHolmes old.

That makes no scientific sense whatsoever. Poor Hector. We hardly knew thee...mainly because we were all born at the whale tail-end of your ridiculously long life. Sometimes 130 years just isn't enough time.

Ancestral Names

I had a chance to do some genealogy research for kicks the other day, and discovered that a lot of my ancestors have GREAT names. Here below are some of their first names, and my best guess as to what they were like.

E.P. - No-nonsense sort of guy, very busy, didn't even have time to spell out first name

Bertha - Derived from an old German word meaning "bright," so...bright?

Ludmila - Slavic Olympic gymnast or figure skater

Minnie - What is this short for? Minerva? Likely an Animagus or mouse. Or both.

Vaclav - Vampire. I am so tempted to put "Count" before his name.

August - His favorite month was April and...um...well, his name is August ok?

Johann - Was probably famous.

Johann - I have three great-great-great-some sort of great-grandfathers named
Johann. What else do I have to say?

Johann - Must have been kind of confused when he went to family reunions.

And just for kicks, following my paternal line as far back as I can, the first names are as follows:
Me>Robert>Maurice>Edward>Edward

And the maternal line:
Julie>Theresa>Ludmila>Julia

And somewhere in my ancestry:
Johann>Johann>Johann

Futurama - Three Hundred Big Boys

One of my favorite scenes from the Futurama episode Three Hundred Big Boys, in which Fry finishes off 100 cups of coffee:

Now Hiring: Sworn Enemy/Villain/Antagonist/Criminal Mastermind

Alright, here's the deal. Caught on the Bound has been around for some time now. Big proverbial whoop, right? Captain Picard has been around for a while. So has Sherlock Holmes. And Jesus! (varies depending on beliefs, see local religious leader for details) Even Dave Thomas's spirit lingers on every time we visit Wendy's. But these guys were interesting. More interesting than Caught on the Bound. Why? Because they had ENEMIES. Would Picard be as cool without the Borg? Sherlock Holmes had criminal mastermind Prof. Moriarty to foil, and Jesus had Satan. Even Dave Thomas had Colonel Sanders to glare at across advertising space (OK, maybe not so much...Sanders encouraged Thomas to open his own chain of restaurants....).

The point is, Caught on the Bound has no menacing antagonist who will wreak havoc upon the site. I need someone to vilify, to revile, an evil thing, a villain and other words containg "vil" as well! So let me know if you have it out for me or this site. You might just have yourself a new career as Caught on the Bound In-House Criminal Mastermind.

Déjà Vu: The Endgame

It looks like scientists have finally pinpointed the cause of déjà vu. It took me a while to sort through all of this pop science mumbo jumbo, but from what I've been able to discern, déjà vu occurs when the brain fails to note the distinction between two very similar situations. You know, like the distinction between the situation of being offered a nice job and the situation of spending most of your time updating a blog that maybe 20 people read.

Jaded cynicism aside, this is remarkable to me. I've always been intrigued by "common mysteries" like this. I hope MIT eventually completes a conclusive study regarding where the other sock vanishes off to in the dryer or why cargo is sent by air or sea and shipment is sent by car. You know what else would be nice? Someone proving that UFOs are a real thing and not some crackpot conspiracy theory. That would be excellent. One of the CotB interns just had to wipe up some of my drool off the keyboard.

What mysteries would you like to see solved? Or at least partially explained away? Comment!

CotB Breaks Into Coveted Cyprus Market

NICOSIA, Cyprus - For fledgling website Caught on the Bound, the news couldn't be better. On Friday, the small, independent, yet mob-connected blog received its first visit from the Eurasian Mediterranean island nation of Cyprus.

"I don't think you understand how it feels to be visited by someone from Cyprus until you actually see, with your own eyes, the little Cyprus flag appear on your visitor statistics. Unbelievable" said long-time Editor-in-Chief and widely-known exaggerator Kevin Curran.

"For a while there we were just putzing along, throwing up these weird posts about videos for days of the week and some sort of hit piece on the editor's shoes. Now, we have Cyprus!" said one underpaid and partially nonexistent Caught on the Bound intern.

In recent months, the blog has received visitors from exotic locales such as Mexico, Portugal, UK, Spain, and Connecticut.

"Sure, go ahead and chalk up some of those visits to mis-clicks and accidental viewings, but you can't deny..." said Curran, his voice trailing off into what his employees call 'some sort of Coca-Cola-induced La-La Land.'"

With Cyprus being the birthplace of the well-received goddess of beauty and love, Aphrodite, the Caught on the Bound employees were visibly excited by the news. "Hey, I don't know about you, but I am all FOR any island that's the site of where Uranus' genitals were cast into the sea by his son Kronos causing extensive foaming action and birth" said Curran, interrupting an answer by one of his interns, who explained that he may have confused this legend with frog mating procedures.

Friday I'm In Love

So Monday was High Fidelity, Tuesday was a shot of the Rolling Stones, Wednesday I skipped, Thursday I forgot about until now...Friday. The Cure.

The Tim Tang Test

Give it a shot. I got to level 6 or 7 before realizing that my life was slowly melting away. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into other units of time, space-time was warped, and my dinner was cold.

It's a URL-changing game, in which the answer to each puzzle becomes part of the URL for the next one. This stuff gets really hard really fast - be prepared to Google and/or end all prior life engagements you may have had. I'm currently reintroducing myself to my mother. There's a Facebook group, as well.

As for me, I've had my fill of it, but give it a shot. Let me know if you break into the ranks of the elite. As Dr. Watson once said of his friend, Sherlock Holmes, "Internet games are his only vice, that poor sorry son of a b--"

That was made up. The Sherlock Holmes part. Maybe. It could be a puzzle! Wow, it's late.

Eddie Izzard - Lust for Glorious

Scott Niedermayer Takes the Cup (May or May Not Give It Back)

Since the Anaheim (once Mighty) Ducks are both the closest NHL team to my home, as well as the team that I have followed and seen the most, I feel it only right to reflect on their first Stanley Cup win. Specifically, this sick picture of Scott Niedermayer doing the mandatory "hoist" of the ridiculously oversized Cup.

Adding to the epic feel of the whole thing is the streaks of gray in his beard. Here's a man who's been around the rink a few times - a seasoned veteran of his sport. It almost looks like he's screaming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" like some kind of padded, maniacal Gandalf. I'm sure Niedermayer is glad to get the Cup back from the damn punk kids who had it before him, even though he's won a number of them himself. As I stare at this picture even more intently, it looks like Niedermayer might be thinking "What if I drop this thing? Will that tarnish my legacy?"

In any case, these Ducks, despite the name change, are, at least for now, quite Mighty.

Photo Credit: (AP PHOTO/CP, Paul Chiasson)

Ruby Tuesday

Since there was a Monday video yesterday, it seems only fitting to have a Tuesday one. I couldn't stop a few outbursts of laughter during this (I think it was the big white hat): Ruby Tuesday

Recon at Rushmore

I enjoyed these tidbits about Mt. Rushmore; check it out.

I've always liked how Washington and Jefferson look sort of like a two-headed Founding Father monster. Roosevelt plays it cool and Lincoln is enjoying his extra space. Or something.

Bad ND Daddy

From the excellent Notre Dame blog The Blue-Gray Sky, Bad ND Daddy.

Sheet of Writing Paper = Lazy Dog

This is one of the most ridiculous and pointless proofs I've ever read:

Theorum: A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Q.E.D.

Now, when someone tells you that a sheet of paper is not a lazy dog, you'll have this silver bullet in your barrel. I think a part of my logic died after posting this.

Monday Morning Got You Down?

This should pick you up - Monday morning at Championship Vinyl:

Your Room - Episode VI

The Shoes

During my recent trip to San Francisco, I noticed that the beat-up, decrepit, raggedy shoes I was wearing told a fantastic story of travel, adventure, and romance. The Shoes were purchased in the autumn of 2004, in October, if memory will back me up here. It was a time of change! Of revolution! My sophomore year of college was underway and my old pair of shoes were overworn. And so it came to pass, that on an overcast October afternoon, I found my way to the University Park Mall in Mishawaka, Indiana to buy this pair of K-Swiss.

They were good shoes. Comfortable, well-liked, always had something interesting to say at parties. Even my girlfriend approved! Since then, these Shoes have seen quite a bit. Some highlights:
-University of Notre Dame (a number of football games as well)
-Chicago, IL
-Denver, CO
-Omaha, Lincoln, Grand Island, NE
-Iowa (some gas station)
-Dallas, TX (airport)
-Las Vegas, NV
-Ohio
-Pennsylvania
-New Jersey
-St. Louis, MO
-Grand Rapids, MI (Weezer/Foo Fighters concert)
-New York, NY
-Southern California (LA, SD, OC)
-San Francisco, CA
-Phoenix, AZ (2006 Fiesta Bowl, too)
-London, Bath, Stratford, Canterbury, Dover, Oxford (UK)
-Paris, France
-Dublin, Galway, Waterford, Kilkenny, Shannon, Ring of Kerry (Ireland)

Now, with the soles worn through, the heel indistinguishable from air, and the brilliant white color now turned a grayer shade of shale, I feel the time has finally come for their permanent retirement (which I had previously attempted twice only to be tempted back into wearing them). Plus, my girlfriend isn't too keen on their manginess. These shoes carried me across bridges, heaved me up the Eiffel Tower, steadied my foot on slippery slopes in Ireland and Golden Gate Park, gave me hope where there was fear, circled me around many a block in many a city, and now sit at the foot of my bed, ready to be entombed. Thank you, Shoes, from the bottom of my weary soles.

Posts to Resume Sunday

That is all.

Step Away from the Vehicle

I think the car alarm's time has come and gone. There was a time, I think, when it was a useful device. You'd be walking across the parking lot, hear a horrific cacophony, and immediately think "Trouble! Where's my utility belt and cape?!" You KNEW something was not right in the world of automobile possession.

Now, whenever you hear a car alarm doing its ear-rupturing sound cycle, you think "Will someone turn that damn thing off?" Car thieves have no reason to be afraid when that thing starts going off. Everyone is just sitting in their apartments turning up the TV or muttering under their pillows. Or if you are outside and hear the alarm, you just shake your head and feel proud that you trust your own car to look after itself.

So in that split-second when the car alarm was actually useful--you know, when people thought it was different and groovy, like "peace" in the 60s or "war" in the 2000s--the car alarm had a place in the dangerous criminal underworld as a protector of all that was steel, wheels, and yours. I lament the passing of the Car Alarm Era and shed some kind of metaphorical tear as we toss it into the Irrelevant Bin. Requiescat In Pace. Dona nobis pacem. Other Latin phrases of varying relevance, as well.

You know who I hate?

Bigots.

So, what are your plans?

Every recent college graduate faces this inevitable, annoying yet well-intentioned question. It's even more annoying when your plans aren't exactly figured out in any concrete way. Usually, people will ask me, "Did you like Notre Dame?" to which I reply, "Yes." The next question is the one that lends itself to the title of this post. My answer: "Well, I hope to work for a year or two before possibly heading to grad school." Seems like a safe, non-revealing answer to me. It's also what everyone else is planning on doing, I think.

I wish, just once, that one of these conversations would go something like this:
"Did you like Notre Dame?"

"Nope. Definitely wasted four years of my life. Oh sure, I learned a lot and had fun, but what a dump! I saw a dry patch of grass once. And have you seen our football team in big games recently?"

"Right...sorry to hear that, SO! What are your plans?"

"(I choke on my champagne) Um, yes, well, uh, planning limits one's options. I'll be finding myself in the big wide world. Which means pshaw to jobs. That's for the establishment. I intend to bum around the house vigorously until chance places a golden opportunity in my lap!"

"Oh...I see." (Thinks: Idiot, should have majored in business)

Close, But No Cigar

Cigar Aficionado has this to say to the U.S. Treasury Department regarding fans of Cubans (cigars, that is):

"Stop wasting our time and money chasing cigar smokers"

Now, I can see the interest Cigar Aficionado might have in Cuban cigars. Without them, there's no gold standard for smokable finery. It would be like banning French wine (which some hissy-fitters have tried to do since the whole War on Terror thing) or Russian vodka or American Snickers bars. As an occasional cigar-smoker, I'd love to try a Cuban before I die, so long as occasional doesn't turn into "chain" and I get puffed out in a cloud of irony-flavored smoke.

Could Cigar Aficionado really come out and say, "Hell yes on the embargo with Cuba! We're fine smoking every other cigar in the world, even if it means ignoring the avowed and acclaimed center of what we love! To hell with cigars, up with politics!" I submit that they could not.

In other related news, I stumbled upon the origin of the phrase, "Close, but no cigar." whilst perusing a Dictionary of English Idioms that I just happened to check out at the library by accident.* There is some dispute. Some claim that the phrase originated in the practice of gentleman buying a cigar for good luck on a bet with the intention of smoking it after the bet was won. A lost bet would be close, but no cigar. Others, however, claim that the phrase comes from early 20th century fairground stalls which would award the stogies as prizes. Also, tobacco isn't good for you.

Laws of Our Universe

Amara's Law
We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.

Benford's Law of Controversy
Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available.

Clark's Law
Sufficiently advanced cluelessness is indistinguishable from malice.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives (corollary to Murphy's Law)
Anything that can go wrong, will--at the worst possible moment.

Godwin's Law
As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.

Hofstadter's Law
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hutber's Law
Improvement means deterioration.

Martin's Law
The higher up the management ladder you go, the more disconnected from reality you are.

Meyer's Law
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple. For instance, observe this explanation I am adding. It's meaningless, purposeless, and while being about twice as long as the adage itself, it leads back to it.

Murphy's Law
Anything that can go wrong, will.

Parkinson's Law
Work expands so as to fill the time for its completion.

Segal's Law
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Got any others?

Answers to Questions of the Week

In response to the questions of the week:

jtg asks: Where did the name "Caught on the Bound" come from?

My great-grandfather, Edward P. Curran owned and edited a small-town Nebraska newspaper, which he then sold to my grandfather who continued in the same capacity. During this time, my great-grandfather penned a popular weekly column entitled "Caught on the Bound." I used, with approval from some older family members, the title of the column for my blog to continue the spirit and tradition of the original.

I try to make this blog an entertaining/informative site rather than a strict record of my personal life.

Mike asks: Is that the Riddler?

In the previous post for question of the week, yes. I was intrigued by the way he apparently walks around with these giant question marks in his hands. How does he get the dot part to float?

minus the sunshine band asks: What's your problem?

Internet access for the most part, with a little bit of free time.

Send in your questions! Use the comments below to ask one!

Of Mites and Men

So that's a dust mite. According to my friend Heather:

So the Peter Saarsgard lookalike at Sit and Sleep today was telling me about dust mites...but he mentioned that they live in feather pillows and in the span of one month the weight of a pillow can double because of the dust mites living off of the dead skin cells in the pillow...now imagine this being said in Peter's voice yet I still bought a mattress from him

Um, sleep tight.

How do people figure this stuff out?

From the This Will Have Zero Impact on Your Life Department:

GO HANG A SALAMI

backwards is

I'M A LASAGNA HOG

You just read the first one backwards to confirm it didn't you? Why can't you just trust me for once? Sure, I blog about Captain Planet and Coke II and all kinds of wonderfully irrelevant things, but come on, trust me just this once. I'm going to get a cup of coffee and I'm going to drink that coffee. Not enough for you?

A MAN, A PLAN, A CANAL, PANAMA!

Reverse it.

You knew that one, right?

Happy 90th Birthday Fr. Hesburgh

You crazy go-getter you!

1995 Nebraska

Worst. Buy. Ever.

Shady dealing at Best Buy.
Which is weird because they claim to be the best buy but, well, maybe they're not?

Question of the Week

Caught on the Bound's inaugural Question of the Week comes from my Mom:

You have a website?

Yes. Thank you, Mom. Now that I think about it, she could have just been making a statement with a raised voice at the end.

Have a question? Submit it to Caught on the Bound! Just use the comments for this post to submit.

Wikipedia and the New Truth Generation

The scourge of academia. The truth. The open contribution. The over-generalization.

Wikipedia has become the go-to source for all matters from the trivial tidbit to the dissertation footnote-worthy. Facebook has a group entitled "If Wikipedia Says, It Must Be True..." and it just might be, whatever "it" is.

A lot of academics (professors frustrated that students can become well-versed overnight in what took them years to study) say that Wikipedia is unreliable, unsourced, and a leading cause of cancer. To some degree, I believe this is true. The real substance in Wikipedia, however, isn't in the details, but the ability to get a gist of some complex ideas and be able to converse about them almost instantaneously. It's as if some research team compiled a briefing on every topic of interest in the universe for you.

For example, if someone brings up the poetry of Rudyard Kipling in a conversation with me, I'll remember the Wikipedia page I read last month on his poem, "If--" and how some consider it to be a mere list of aphorisms strung together, rather than any expression of inspirational sentiment. Also, that someone would rip the pocket-protector out of my Poindexter-brand shirt and smash my face apart for being such a smartass.

Wikipedia is a good way to become familiar with a subject and a lot of the views people have held or hold about it. In fact, Wikipedia might just be the Truth. Here at the CotB office, we tell our employees to only use Wikipedia. We've already tossed out the Funk & Wagnalls, Rand McNallys, Farmer's Almanacs, ___ for Dummies guides, Chicken Soup for the ____'s Soul books, and Encyclopedia Britannicas that adorned our plastic Target-brand bookshelves.

Our Truth is not the one our grandparents knew, which was accurate, but limited. Ours is expansive and riddled with glaring contradictions, yet somehow, I wouldn't have it any other way.

HaloScan Comments

Easier commenting. Have at it. I encourage frequent and unceasing comments on any post you like. I want discussion! Controversey! Heresey! Other words ending in "sey" as well! Go on, be a sport! Take a chance! Columbus did and look what he found!

Panera Bread (awww)

Panera Bread bakery/cafe/restaurants dot this fine land of ours, but part of it baffles me. Before I begin, I am contractually obligated by a few friends from St. Louis to mention that Panera Bread began as St. Louis Bread Co. before the Panera name was introduced when the chain was franchised nationwide.

Anyways, I'm sure most of us have had a conversation like this at some point in our hunger-driven lives:

Guy: I'm hungry, where should we eat?
Girl: I don't really care, you decide. (Thinks: He's the guy, why the hell should I decide? Although, I would like to...nah, I'll let him deal with it)
Guy: Well, there's McDonald's, uh, KFC, um....I think that's a grease factory...oh, no, it's a Denny's...
Girl: I really don't care. (Thinks: I care.)
Guy: Hmmm, there's Panera...
Girl: Awwww....Panera!

Every girl I've ever encountered has invariably done some sort of coo, aww, sigh, or affectionate moan at the mention of Panera. Does Panera have some effect on uteri or chest curviness that I don't know about? Are soup and paninis really that life-changing? Any field research on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Caught on the Bound will launch its own investigative investigation.

One keen observer has suggested that girls are attracted to Panera's food AND the fact that they put it on actual plates. For a while, I thought this was a worthy consideration. I have since dismissed that notion as wholly stupid. Someone help me out here. I don't get why Panera elicits that female response.

Awww.

The Elements of Style

My first read of the summer, if you can call it that with school still technically in session, was a delightfully slim volume, The Elements of Style. Originally written by English professor William Strunk Jr in the 1930s, the book has seen constant updates and edits over the years, most notably by one of Strunk's pupils, E.B. White, who we know as the author of Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web. White had a thing for writing about talking things that creep and crawl, apparently. I'm sure he finally threw down The Elements of Style one day during an edit and said, "F--- it. I'm making a spider talk."

The Elements of Style is the witty tale of a language and its hunt for a functional yet engaging means of writing. Our protagonist, Grammar, sets out with a few Elementary Rules of Usage as Strunk and White eagerly, even sarcastically, hurl obstacles in its path. With A Few Matters of Form and some Misused Words and Expressions sprinkled in, the plot climaxes with a thrilling Approach to Style, in which our heroes face the deepest and darkest recesses of the English language.

Although the story felt underdeveloped at some junctures, the endearing and memorable characters buttress this little book with a lofty goal, and give the reader some divine revelations about the written word. It's a tale sure to bring out the nonrestrictive modifier in all of us.

Hamlet: A Happening

Ben Franklin once said, "Originality is the art of concealing your sources."

By the way, I, uh, just plucked that from the top of my head and definitely didn't steal it from the quote of the week in my planner. Ben would be proud of me, I'm sure.

Whenever I sit down to write a paper, I always have to sort out all of the ideas in my head; or, convince myself that I have ideas about a subject when I really, in actuality, do not. Once I do finally sit down to write, however, I sometimes wonder just how original my thoughts are. Did I just summarize something my professor said? Didn't some other scholar think of this before me? Did I just take an established theory and change one small detail to make it sound hip and groovy? The thought of it all can be paralyzing.

I think I'm going to start writing papers like this:

"Hamlet: A Happening

Hamlet was a wild play! The story begins with the sighting of a ghost. Naturally, this leads the characters to engage in page after page of dialogue (a hallmark of Shakespeare's work; characters that is). Hamlet does a lot of wild shit primarily to mess with people out of sheer boredom. Alternative theories suggest he did it to avenge his father's death, but what is this, 'The Lion King?' In conclusion, no one really needed to die, but they all did anyway. Denmark was confused, but glad the play was over."

I only hope I concealed my sources well enough.

Eddie Izzard - St. Paul's Letters

Off the Top

My trips to the barber are always a fine mix of inevitable desperation and forlorn dread. For some reason, my barber can never take off just the right amount of hair. I don't doubt that he knows what that right amount is, because every time I get a haircut from him, he takes off exactly 3/4 inch more than that amount. Without fail.

"How would you like it cut, today?"
"About this much, I really don't want it too short, don't want anyone to know I was here," I'd often say, trying to strike the right tone between normal conversation and the demanding decree a customer is entitled to.

"Alright, so just a haircut," he'd say.

"Well, yeah, but not too short."

"I know what you mean," he'd wink, "a haircut."

This was not some secret Masonic communication indicating that I in fact wanted my head shaved bald. I wanted a reasonable haircut--one that people would look at and say "Oh, looks nice!" rather than "Oh! You got a haircut!"

This exchange has been going on for almost four years, from the time I first arrived at college. Now, with graduation in two weeks, I face the task of once again visiting the barber. We'll likely reminisce about the few hours we spent together in that little barbershop. We'll talk of all the weather patterns we observed, the elections we saw determined, and the incremental price increase he "was sorry" to impose upon his regular customers as the last few years went by. I'll enjoy all of this, I'm sure; I just hope I don't have to, well, get a haircut.

CotB To End

This will be the last official post for Caught on the Bound. At least, in this form. I know the blog has been kind of defunct for several months now, but you'll be able to read a new version of it on The Onion's website starting in June! Now I'm getting paid to do this junk!

Abbey Road

During my stay in London last summer, several of us managed to put this together. We only lived a few blocks away from Abbey Road and the studio where the Beatles recorded the album of the same name in 1969.