Thursday Comedy Slam! - Lonestar Bear

I'm in charge of this site now. I'm making comedy slam my own this week. I am the funniest bear in existence. Dead or living. Twice. Here are some of my best quotes:

"It's come to this. People would rather have elves make their crackers than the grocery store."

"Instead of talking with words and coining money, I find myself coining words and hoping that money talks."

"I watched the Olympics. This one skier just lost his ski and I was like 'are you going back for that? How will you get it back? Oh, he's not going to get it back.'"

"Don't worry about this angel food cake. It's not angels, it's just what they eat. And now they won't have anymore because you are a gluttonous sinner."

"Some people don't understand my sense of humor. But I always make a point to ride with them to the hospital."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is also a stuffed bear. We had irreconcilable similarities."

"If I were a statue in a Roman fountain, I would have water coming out my ears."

"Machine guns spoil us. I'm sure some soldier misses the manual days when the bullets were heaved in 3-man teams."

"People always ask me if bears ever wake up from hibernation and go 'OH MY GOD! WHAT TIME IS IT? APRIL? DID I MISS THE MATING?'"

"I ran a marathon once. Worst week ever."