Thursday Comedy Slam - Jim Gaffigan

"I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'."

"There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough.' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're going to move!'

"Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, but when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers?"

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like stomach cramps."

"I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water."

"I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."