Thursday Comedy Slam! - Eddie Izzard

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon."

"Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them."

“This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.”- On Martin Luther

“If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult."

"We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag? ... No flag, no country!"

"After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer... "Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh all-right. This one goes here and that one there... Oh we need the Falklands! For strategic sheep purposes."

“'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.”

[God to Noah] "Build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible"

“Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all bastards!", then "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry..."”

“Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a... she's just a... she's dead, isn't she?”

"I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body."