An Illustrated History of the Breast Pump

I don't even know. The title was too funny to not post here. Slate has it right here.

Thursday Comedy Slam - Jerry Seinfeld

"How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?"

"I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything— which as you know, always leads to something— cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get the harpoon out of your chest first."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

"You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

"With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

"The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."

A New Declaration of Independence

Continuing with this week's soft drink-intensive posting, I'm proud to bring you the most ridiculous, hyperbolic product profile I have ever had the pleasure of reading:

In 2001, Pibb Xtra was introduced as a bolder version of the original Mr. Pibb taste. Its bold taste and graphics appeal to young adults who are looking to get the most out of life and the most out of their soft drink. It appeals to teens who are just gaining independence from home and looking for things to call their own. The soft drink enables them to have an uninhibited, fun and unconventional attitude and touts the sweet, refreshing bold taste they need to express their independence.

You'd think John Hancock signed his name at the bottom of this. There is someone out there that actually got paid to write this. I want to meet this person. I want to learn from this person. And above all, I want to be this person.

The "teens" sure get a lot of bang out of this soda buck. Independence! Possession! Attitude! I don't think I've ever needed "bold taste" to express my independence. Can other people taste it with you or something? "Whoa! Jeff seems so, like, separate from his parents! Did you smell his breath? It was so sweet and refreshing....bold even! I want to date him."

What could have prompted this manifesto? Did some Coca-Cola (Pibb is made by Coke) exec give a rousing speech at the board meeting? "I have a dream today! That one day my soft drink will not be judged by the color of its graphics but the boldness of its taste, I have a dream today!" Keep this in mind the next time you see independent teens chugging Pibb. Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!

Good night, and may God bless these United States of America.

Present!

Taking attendance has to be one of the biggest wastes of time in our lives. If you were to add up all of the time spent taking attendance in the world, you would find that it costs the world YEARS of time and a jar of nickels in money. Unacceptable. But even worse is the nomenclature.

In every group of attendees, there is invariably one person that will say "present!" instead of "here!" like everyone else in the group. This really messes me up, because, as I learned in childhood, the best response to the cry of "present!" is "WHERE?! It's not even my birthday!"

Everyone likes to play this little game called Not Here in class, whereby a person will show up and be physically present, but will go to great lengths to conceal the evidence of his/her presence in any way other than the roll sheet or attendance. For example, Susie will show up in class because it will reflect poorly on her grade, but then, when the time for active participation and hand-raising begins, Susie is a ghost. "Isn't she here?" "I thought I saw her come in." "Hmm, she's marked down as here. At least she's not marked down as present." There's a little bit of Susie in all of us, I suppose. Part of us that wants to be in class and the other part that wants to be outside in the hall saying, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not in class right now! What a drag! I'm going to the vending machine."

Michelle Kwan Mention Update

I know Michelle Kwan's cousin. Seriously. Michelle Kwan now extends her lead over two Planeteers and some other figure skater named "Dana" as the female most frequently mentioned on this site.

Embattled Editor Continues Posting Slump - Drinks Coke

Alright, this is getting ridiculous. One week after I said my sabbatical was over, I somehow managed to extend it. It all ends today.

In 1985, Coca-Cola faced lagging sales and a fierce challenge from rival Pepsi. After research and shooting the breeze in the board room, Coca-Cola decided to revamp its storied formula into...well...something a lot like Pepsi. "New Coke" rolled out and promptly alienated consumers who no longer found spiritual fulfillment from their chosen Cola. New Coke was a flop and that's why, even to this day, you will see the word "classic" appended to the Coca-Cola title on every can or bottle.

What if this had happened to something else? Like Pine-Sol. New Pine-Sol! "I don't know how I feel about it. It tastes too sweet." Or New Pez. "Hmmm, they don't fit in the dispensers as well and they taste too sweet." New New York. "It smacks of Futurama and tastes too sweet."

For several years after the switch back to Coca-Cola "Classic," New Coke still existed on the shelves until the late 90s in some areas as "Coke II." I'm not sure, but based on my own preliminary polling data, I don't think sequels are ever a good idea with food or drink. Or pets.

Sabbatical Over

My unannounced and until now, unaccounted for, sabbatical is now over. During the last two weeks or so, I left Caught on the Bound to travel the world and learn from its people. I got to New York where Jodie Foster swooshed by me on Broadway and that was enough of the world and its people for me.

Now that I have returned from my perilous journey that at times tested and shook the very foundations of my existence (knife fights have a way of doing that), I will now endeavor to rebuild this blog into the mighty power-player it once was.

After breakfast.

It's happened.

I've returned after spring break to this:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/soccer/03/09/bc.soc.mls.metrostars.ap/index.html

"Major League Soccer's MetroStars are being sold and renamed Red Bull New York."

A professional sports team is now named after a company. Yikes.

Editorial Slant and Bias Uncovered

I usually try to leave politics out of this site, but as a prominent bastion of journalistic endeavors, we feel it is only proper that we make our political leanings known. The following will attempt to outline our positions on a number of the issues that challenge us today.

ABORTION: Every child has a right to protest the introduction of a younger sibling to the family if said child is at least ten years old as this would make said child's teenage years "kind of a pain"

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: Caught on the Bound firmly believes that every university should use the following criteria for determining admission: high school GPA, SAT/ACT scores, quality of elementary school coloring assignments (did you stay within the lines? did you color a kid's face purple?), knowledge of late 80s and early 90s cartoons, passages from the Qur'an, and moral fiber.

BUDGET and TAXES: Money is the root of all evil. Abolish both. Everyone gets weekly allowance. Don't blow it all on jawbreakers and comic books.

DEATH PENALTY: Replace death penalty with national penalty box. Cops will then have a power play in which to round up higher numbers of criminals. This gives the wrongly-imprisoned a chance to get back in the game if the cops can't capitalize. It also doesn't make any sense when you think about it.

EDUCATION: Leave every child behind. Whoever is still there when you get back will really want to learn.

ENVIRONMENT: We're for it.

FOREIGN RELATIONS: Abolish all weapons. Start everything over and give each country one gun and a single bullet. Countries may alternatively opt to be given a He-Man Power Sword. Choose wisely!

FREE SPEECH: Start charging speech-tax of 10 cents-per-controversial word. Controversial words will be determined by a panel of American grandmothers, San Francisco residents, and Mr. T.

GAY RIGHTS: Live and let love.

GUNS: See FOREIGN RELATIONS. One gun per country. Up to Congress as to who gets to use it and when.

HEALTH CARE: We are opposed to health care. To quote Brian Griffin of The Family Guy, "I'm not going to call an ambulance this time, because if I do, you'll never learn."

IMMIGRATION: Every immigrant has a Constitutional right to be illegal. However, they will be deported if they are.

INTERNATIONAL TRADE: Return to barter system. Let's cultivate a global culture of "doing favors" and "backscratching."

SOCIAL SECURITY: Seniors get Kevlar vests in addition to increased national allowance. Just don't spend it all on denture-breakers and comic books.

WOMEN: Yes.

Gumming Up the System

Apparently, some kid at the Detroit Institute of Art stuck a wad of gum (Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice) on Helen Frankenthaler's "The Bay," a work valued at $1.5 million.

Based on my extensive experience with middle school as an institution; possession, chewing or the sticking of gum anywhere is generally one of the most severe misbehavioral predicaments you can get yourself into, somewhere between standard ink-based graffiti and bomb threat. Which means this 12-year old kid must have known he was playing with FIRE. Of course, the museum staff has had the wool pulled over their eyes:

"Even though we give very strict guidelines on proper behavior and we hold students to high standards, he is only 12 and I don't think he understood the ramifications of what he did before it happened"

Gum on "The Bay" today perhaps, but where will that gum be next time? What if he gets a hold of some Bubble Yum or, God forbid, Bazooka Joe?

Then again, as I look at the painting (to your right), I can kind of see how "maybe" this was misinterepreted as a rogue tile in the wall just begging to have something stuck to it.