A New Declaration of Independence

Continuing with this week's soft drink-intensive posting, I'm proud to bring you the most ridiculous, hyperbolic product profile I have ever had the pleasure of reading:

In 2001, Pibb Xtra was introduced as a bolder version of the original Mr. Pibb taste. Its bold taste and graphics appeal to young adults who are looking to get the most out of life and the most out of their soft drink. It appeals to teens who are just gaining independence from home and looking for things to call their own. The soft drink enables them to have an uninhibited, fun and unconventional attitude and touts the sweet, refreshing bold taste they need to express their independence.

You'd think John Hancock signed his name at the bottom of this. There is someone out there that actually got paid to write this. I want to meet this person. I want to learn from this person. And above all, I want to be this person.

The "teens" sure get a lot of bang out of this soda buck. Independence! Possession! Attitude! I don't think I've ever needed "bold taste" to express my independence. Can other people taste it with you or something? "Whoa! Jeff seems so, like, separate from his parents! Did you smell his breath? It was so sweet and refreshing....bold even! I want to date him."

What could have prompted this manifesto? Did some Coca-Cola (Pibb is made by Coke) exec give a rousing speech at the board meeting? "I have a dream today! That one day my soft drink will not be judged by the color of its graphics but the boldness of its taste, I have a dream today!" Keep this in mind the next time you see independent teens chugging Pibb. Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!

Good night, and may God bless these United States of America.