Friday, March 03, 2006

Editorial Slant and Bias Uncovered

I usually try to leave politics out of this site, but as a prominent bastion of journalistic endeavors, we feel it is only proper that we make our political leanings known. The following will attempt to outline our positions on a number of the issues that challenge us today.

ABORTION: Every child has a right to protest the introduction of a younger sibling to the family if said child is at least ten years old as this would make said child's teenage years "kind of a pain"

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: Caught on the Bound firmly believes that every university should use the following criteria for determining admission: high school GPA, SAT/ACT scores, quality of elementary school coloring assignments (did you stay within the lines? did you color a kid's face purple?), knowledge of late 80s and early 90s cartoons, passages from the Qur'an, and moral fiber.

BUDGET and TAXES: Money is the root of all evil. Abolish both. Everyone gets weekly allowance. Don't blow it all on jawbreakers and comic books.

DEATH PENALTY: Replace death penalty with national penalty box. Cops will then have a power play in which to round up higher numbers of criminals. This gives the wrongly-imprisoned a chance to get back in the game if the cops can't capitalize. It also doesn't make any sense when you think about it.

EDUCATION: Leave every child behind. Whoever is still there when you get back will really want to learn.

ENVIRONMENT: We're for it.

FOREIGN RELATIONS: Abolish all weapons. Start everything over and give each country one gun and a single bullet. Countries may alternatively opt to be given a He-Man Power Sword. Choose wisely!

FREE SPEECH: Start charging speech-tax of 10 cents-per-controversial word. Controversial words will be determined by a panel of American grandmothers, San Francisco residents, and Mr. T.

GAY RIGHTS: Live and let love.

GUNS: See FOREIGN RELATIONS. One gun per country. Up to Congress as to who gets to use it and when.

HEALTH CARE: We are opposed to health care. To quote Brian Griffin of The Family Guy, "I'm not going to call an ambulance this time, because if I do, you'll never learn."

IMMIGRATION: Every immigrant has a Constitutional right to be illegal. However, they will be deported if they are.

INTERNATIONAL TRADE: Return to barter system. Let's cultivate a global culture of "doing favors" and "backscratching."

SOCIAL SECURITY: Seniors get Kevlar vests in addition to increased national allowance. Just don't spend it all on denture-breakers and comic books.