Thursday, January 05, 2006

Dental Wars II: The Hygienist Pokes Back

The flurry of Thursday power posts continues! For those of you who read IKWITA, the site I was previously affiliated with, you might remember my triumphant dental appointment a year ago when I effectively stuck it to the dental man:

"Never Say "Gag me!" To A Dentist

Well, tooth and metal locked horns again as I made my regular visit to the dentist. I always seem to have an experience instead of an appointment. Once again, I encountered the problem that all of us seem to have faced. You know what problem I'm talking about. The dentist asks "So! How's school/education/whatever the hell it is you do now?" With a wide-open, chock full mouth you say "Ughh hugghh". "SUPER!" says the dentist. Yeah, in the words of my brother, Kyle, it's "no dice". So, I decided to fight back! If the dentist and his legion of hygienists are going to ask me questions when I can't talk...I'll ask them right back!

With the smooth sounds of outdated elevator music providing an unwelcome background, I put my plan into action. "I'll bet it's cold back there in Indiana! Ha ha! Oh man!" said the dentist. "Yeff! Ish cogogh ike oo udder blgagdh! Ish dkf godfggle de sks *spit* *choke*?" The dentist briefly pulled his weird unnecessarily pointy instrument away from my mouth gaping in what I can only describe as horrified astonishment. I had done what few dared to even dream. I asked the dentist a question with a full mouth! This guy brought at least his A- game though. He changed the subject to something he knew about in an effort to silence me: "See, your incisor here is recovering nicely from that pit removal therapy." But I'm no fool. I did my homework on this thing back in the summer. "Og yesh! Bushsd it wash a bicuzshpid ngot an enzizor dijhf *gag*" After that, it was over. As I swished and spat for the last time that day, I realized what I had done. The walk from the chair to the door was never more satisfying. I acknowledged the desk staff with a slight nod and pointed back to the hygienist. It was a victory for dental patients everywhere. "Excuse me! You forgot your toothbrush!" cried one of the ladies behind the desk. I gave a look that resembled the words "Seriously now..." and strolled out victoriously. Now I need to go buy a toothbrush."

Well, the saga continues. I went in for my regular appointment today and promptly lost the edge. The hygienist immediately started the scraping and before I even knew what was going on, she asked her first question. After finding out minimal background about me, she proceeded to tell me about a trend in which American college students studying Japanese go to Japan to become ministers, as they are in high demand for "American-style" weddings.

I couldn't even get a word in. She started talking about how my Catholic high school background might exclude me from being a "minister" among other things. By the time it was over, it was too late. I had lost my composure and failed to even remember what record I needed to set straight. I grudgingly accepted my toothbrush and knew that somehow, someway, next time would be different. MARK MY WORDS: NEXT TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT.