Garfield Randomizer

Think you could do a better job than Jim Davis? Well, join the club.

Overused Word #2 - Definitely

definitely

adv : without question and beyond doubt


"I'm so definitely there."
"I definitely just ate an entire bag of pork rinds."
"He's definitely not coming to the paper mache costume party."

In a world of continuous upheaval and rare certainty, this word is definitely used too much. See? However, it is likely because of this uncertainty that so many choose to employ the word. Let's try to fix this up a little bit to express the same meaning, but without the definitely.

"I'm so emphatically there!"
"I can affirm with unwavering confidence that I just consumed an entire package of Super Bowl delectables."
"He is decidedly and unquestionably not coming to the paper mache costume party because no one wants that much paste on his or her skin."

Much better. Maybe. You know what? I don't care. Use "definitely". Just don't spell it "definately". It's like spelling "God" as "Gawd".

Do you know of a word that is unquestionably being overused? Email the central bureau here at kcurran1 (at) nd (dot) edu to report. Gawdspeed.

Going in Reverse

You've always wanted to try it, now you can! Play some classic rock songs backwards and see what the devil this is all about.

http://jeffmilner.com/backmasking.htm

"Lucrative Finances Situation!!"

I would like that you treat this email with all seriousness; I work with a bank in
South Korea. I am the head investment department. I am presently in charge of the
government account/investment.
I have discovered that some of the account are dormant with a lot of money in the
account on further investigation I found out that one particular account belong to
the former president of south Koreans MR PARK CHUNG HEE, who ruled south Koreans
from 1963-1979 and this particular account has a deposit of $40m in stocks and bonds.

And thus began another encounter with the Nigerian scam. When this came across our desks earlier today, we immediately assumed that the greatest riches South Korea has to offer would soon be ours! After some consultation with accountants and attorneys, we also realized that we were being cheated out of additional money due to inflation since 1979. Since $40 million is just pocket change to Caught on the Bound, we decided to pass on this one. In fact, we passed it on to the government task force set up to take these guys down: The Federal Trade Commission

Now if only that guy in Dubai would get our initial $10,000 payment back to us for the transfer of his "very distinguish person leader's vast fortune wealth" into our account, we'll be merrily on our way!

Maruchan Runs Away With Noodle Title

Which ramen is the preferred brand? We surveyed over 70 individuals from every walk (and run and crawl) of life to find the answer. The results:

Maruchan Instant Lunch - 68%

Nissin Cup Noodles - 32%


So what can we make of these results? Apparently, a very quick lunch. Thanks to everyone who participated. We're very proud to bring arbitrary information into homes across the country.

Office Relocation

We will be going into posting-silence for the next 24 hours while Caught on the Bound's cozy southern California offices are vacated with the intention of relocating somewhere in the midwest. Like Notre Dame. The ramen count is done and will be published on Monday. You'll probably see it in several major journals over the course of the next few months. Thanks to all who participated!

Driving the Wedge - The Survey Continues

The great ramen survey is still underway. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far. Just to clarify, the Maruchan Instant Lunch comes in a cup form in addition to the packs. This has been a point of confusion, anger, and great contention. Well, I better get back to the vote tabulating. The staff has been working overtime to settle this great issue once and for all!

Pointless Undertaking: Maruchan Instant Lunch vs. Nissin Cup Noodles

We live in a polarized world today don't we? Blue states, red states. Liberal, conservative. Pro-choice, pro-life. Soft-shell taco, crunchy taco. Coca-Cola, Pepsi. Well, let's drive the wedge a little further! Over the next few days, Caught on the Bound will be launching an investigative survey and report on ramen noodles. Which is the more popular brand? Why? These questions have plagued the inquiring soul since the dawn of the space age, when the instant ramen noodle was first pioneered. I think. Stay tuned for details on how YOU can participate!

Editor-in-Chief Under Fire for "Lazy Posting Effort"

MISSION VIEJO, CA--Having already been criticized for his questionable journalistic integrity by various candy companies and animation studios, Caught on the Bound editor-in-chief Kevin Curran has caught some considerable flak the past few days for what sworn enemies have called a "lazy posting effort" with the site. Curran, who is wintering at his family's Orange County home was not available for immediate comment. Caught on the Bound publicists assured the media that the site will continue normal functions in the coming days. "After the resignation of our Helsinki Bureau Chief yesterday, things just haven't been right around here" said one senior staff member on condition of anonymity. Also under attack by critics are the site's pseudo-news reports and press conferences.

Right: Curran, contesting a move during an imaginary chess game

Overused Word #1 - Procrastination

Procrastination.

This word is used entirely too much. Don't get me wrong, though, I really enjoy it. It lets me get all of my study breaks out of the way up front. The problem, though, is that people just throw this word around without thinking about the emotional and psychological toll it takes on a person.

Nobody ever wants to start a project too early. It just doesn't make any sense. You can't write that final paper until you've finished the course, you can't start your homework that's due next week until next week because the teacher will likely push the due date back anyways, screwing you and saving the rest of the slacker class! You can't write a paper on current events too soon because it won't be current when you turn it in.

Procrastinating takes too much skill to just have the word thrown around. Procrastinators do their best to keep their work and their world current, efficient and up-to-the-minute, yet must contend with the inevitable stress. Just look at the journalists. They can't write about Pope John Paul II's death until he's actually dead! Otherwise they look like, really bad and stuff.

Procrastinators break out in cold sweat as the deadline approaches. Diets change. Moods swing. Shoes don't get worn. Coffee is consumed to the point of ineffectiveness. Sleep takes a backseat while determination and true grit drive the body into the abysmal void of completion. Every day we search the skies for heroes, unaware that they are typing amongst us. They work while we sleep. They toil while we revel. And what kind of gratitude do we give them? We use that word entirely too much. So save the word for the true procrastinators. The rest are just using Facebook.

Press Conference - 1/9/05

Alright, let's get going with this, I don't have all day. I need to do some relaxing later on. OK, let's start with you,

"Hi there, Alex Miller with the Oregonian. Why is your Jelly Belly picture so grainy?"
That's a complicated issue, Alex. You need to ask yourself this: is it the picture that's grainy or are the jelly beans themselves grainy? The answer may surprise you. Yes, in back there...

"OK, does this site have any real focus or is it just a spewing ground for wastes of time?"
Yes.

"You're a student at Notre Dame. Does this mean that the content on this site is pre-approved by the Vatican?"
Oh totally. Every morning I pick up the phone and say "Give me the Vatican!" And then the guy on the other end says "If you want it, come and get it!" As of yet, I still do not got it. Yeah, you with the Uzi...

"Much speculation has been made about your rumored addiction to Coca-Cola. Have you sought treatment or made any progress in your recovery?"
Absolutely. Just the other day I took a Coke from the fridge when I really wanted 2 Cokes. Uh yes, Alex from the Oregonian again...

"No seriously, why is that Jelly Belly picture grainy?"
It's really a Magic Eye.

On-words!

When I'm not sitting here pouring Coca-Cola on my pants, I'm often poring over the recent news making its way to the front pages of internet news sites. I always look forward to mandatory end of the year "best words" pieces that have a panel of writers, journalists, professors or auto workers vote for the year's best "made-up" word.

For example, some of 2005's new words:

Katrinagate - obvious enough
truthiness - truthy, but not facty
podcast - those iPod programs, though "experts" say the term is much older
jump the couch

"Jump the couch" refers to the way in which Tom Cruise went certifiably nuts on Oprah over Katie Holmes, but its roots delve so much deeper. "Jump the couch" is a play on "jump the shark" which is a term used for when a TV show gets ridiculous and the plots get more outlandish. The example embodied in the phrase is taken from "Happy Days," which in 1982, had a plot that consisted of Fonzie jumping over a shark while water-skiing WITH his leather jacket still firmly affixed to his body. Since then, "jumping the shark" refers to the point of ridiculousness from which there is no return for a TV show. This is your history/pop culture lesson for the day. Please try to forget it as soon as you can and learn something that could change the world for the better.

Top 10 or So Movies of 2005

Conor and John strike again with the best films of 2005. I should point out that John is "very satisfied" with his list. Conor was unavailable for comment at the time of this posting.

Food! What is it good for?

I think Jelly Belly jelly beans might be a signal that the end of food is approaching. A lot of candies come in different flavors, but I think Jelly Belly's are the only candies that come in different foods. Chocolate pudding, buttered popcorn, A&W Root Beer (ok, drink), watermelon, toasted marshmallow. Yes, toasted marshmallow! How do they do that?! Marshmallow is perfectly understandable right? You just squish a marshmallow and hold it over a funnel over the jelly bean machine I guess, but how do you get that toasted flavor? Or that buttered popcorn flavor? Do they dust the marshmallow with a little ash? Buttered popcorn is kind of pushing it a bit too. If I wanted something that would taste like buttered popcorn in the palm of my hand I would probably make some buttered popcorn. I can't even begin to explain how hurt and confused I am by all of this.

So I'll skip the beginning of the explanation and jump right into the far-reaching implications of these polished little purgatories between food and candy; between the business of nutrition and the free-wheeling fun of a good sugar crash.

Remember the Jetsons? Well, they were fictional. But their show was real. It was a show about the far future that aired in the past, so naturally, it should make a lot of, well, sense. One thing that always stood out to me, other than George's inability to turn that crazy thing off, was the portrayal of food. It came in little capsules. Like cottage cheese capsules or pork loin capsules. I look down in my hand at these capsules of buttered popcorn and cappuccino and wonder: "Just how much longer will it be? Will I be able to order my steak capsule medium rare? Or will they all be the same?" Why must the joyous diversity and free-flowing expression of food be reduced to rigid conformity? Why must I keep asking rhetorical questions about candy?!

I'll be fine for now, but if I ever end up taking a tour of the Jelly Belly factory, I might seriously consider turning that crazy thing off.

Top 10 Albums of 2005

Two good friends, Conor Barrett and John Young give their takes on the Top 10 of 2005!

Interestingly, Bloc Party's Silent Alarm is the consensus #2 album of the year despite their slightly different tastes. Caught on the Bound decrees this to be a spiffy merging of consciousness (SMOC). This is not the last time you will hear this term.

These sites are really fun to look at side by side. Also worth noting: Conor found 2005 to be a bad year for movies, while John called it a triumph! The perfect counterpoint of it all!

Wanted: Dead or Alive

One site takes a stand in the muddled aftermath of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince! (Hat-tip: Brian)

Dental Wars II: The Hygienist Pokes Back

The flurry of Thursday power posts continues! For those of you who read IKWITA, the site I was previously affiliated with, you might remember my triumphant dental appointment a year ago when I effectively stuck it to the dental man:

"Never Say "Gag me!" To A Dentist

Well, tooth and metal locked horns again as I made my regular visit to the dentist. I always seem to have an experience instead of an appointment. Once again, I encountered the problem that all of us seem to have faced. You know what problem I'm talking about. The dentist asks "So! How's school/education/whatever the hell it is you do now?" With a wide-open, chock full mouth you say "Ughh hugghh". "SUPER!" says the dentist. Yeah, in the words of my brother, Kyle, it's "no dice". So, I decided to fight back! If the dentist and his legion of hygienists are going to ask me questions when I can't talk...I'll ask them right back!

With the smooth sounds of outdated elevator music providing an unwelcome background, I put my plan into action. "I'll bet it's cold back there in Indiana! Ha ha! Oh man!" said the dentist. "Yeff! Ish cogogh ike oo udder blgagdh! Ish dkf godfggle de sks *spit* *choke*?" The dentist briefly pulled his weird unnecessarily pointy instrument away from my mouth gaping in what I can only describe as horrified astonishment. I had done what few dared to even dream. I asked the dentist a question with a full mouth! This guy brought at least his A- game though. He changed the subject to something he knew about in an effort to silence me: "See, your incisor here is recovering nicely from that pit removal therapy." But I'm no fool. I did my homework on this thing back in the summer. "Og yesh! Bushsd it wash a bicuzshpid ngot an enzizor dijhf *gag*" After that, it was over. As I swished and spat for the last time that day, I realized what I had done. The walk from the chair to the door was never more satisfying. I acknowledged the desk staff with a slight nod and pointed back to the hygienist. It was a victory for dental patients everywhere. "Excuse me! You forgot your toothbrush!" cried one of the ladies behind the desk. I gave a look that resembled the words "Seriously now..." and strolled out victoriously. Now I need to go buy a toothbrush."

Well, the saga continues. I went in for my regular appointment today and promptly lost the edge. The hygienist immediately started the scraping and before I even knew what was going on, she asked her first question. After finding out minimal background about me, she proceeded to tell me about a trend in which American college students studying Japanese go to Japan to become ministers, as they are in high demand for "American-style" weddings.

I couldn't even get a word in. She started talking about how my Catholic high school background might exclude me from being a "minister" among other things. By the time it was over, it was too late. I had lost my composure and failed to even remember what record I needed to set straight. I grudgingly accepted my toothbrush and knew that somehow, someway, next time would be different. MARK MY WORDS: NEXT TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT.

DENTAL WARS III - This Summer

Guestbook Controversy Swirls; House Rules in Effect

One "Elizabeth" has recently suggested in her guestbook signing that I am the signee behind the first signature. This is a lie. I refuse to sign my own guestbook. To even suggest that possibility is flirting with libel! The scandal! The horror! The character assassination! It would be like walking into my own house and asking myself if I should take my shoes off.

Speaking of which, did you ever notice or pay close attention to the little rules and eccentricities people have about their homes? Some people demand that your shoes come off before even setting foot in the house. This one I can understand. The Japanese caught on to that waaaay back. Carpets deserve to be spared the wear and tear of rubber-soled horror.

Customs vary about being a guest in someone's house. When asked about this topic, I learned of some interesting opinions. Several people I know would find it perfectly normal for a person to help themselves to a glass of milk without asking in someone's house, including clattering through the cabinets to find a glass. Others said this was barbaric and bordering on glassware anarchy (I don't really know what that would be like, but I imagine you couldn't walk around barefoot).

A lot of people refuse to allow guests into certain chambers of their house. Keeping guests out of private bedrooms or an upstairs floor or office seems reasonable, but one interviewee remembers being told to avoid the kitchen, the very heart of any hospitable establishment. I mean, kitchens are major. I feel like whenever I end up in a friend's kitchen, I usually get offered some kind of cookies or brownies (thanks! by the way). Maybe cookies are the host's way of saying, "listen, you can't go upstairs with your shoes on, but by God, you can have something to eat!" It's one bright spot of hope in a society of suffering, greed and sorrow I suppose. But I think I'll hold off on asking for a glass of milk.

Google Goes Silly

Why order one plastic egg of Silly Putty when you're worth billions and can order well, a lot more?

Guestbook Signed; CotB Headquarters Uncorks Champagne

LOS ANGELES -- It was a night to remember for the staff at upstart definition-defying website Caught on the Bound. After a rough week of staff shake-ups, fumbled words and a devastating typo on the front page, the group celebrated its first guestbook signing.

"Words can't describe" started senior staff writer Kevin Curran, "the absolute and undying joy that comes with that first guestbook signing."

Caught on the Bound was created in the blustery autumn of 2005 with the intention of giving ridiculous ideas a safe home. "A guestbook signed is the first step toward that rather vague and idiotic goal" said Curran.