Panda Takes the Cake - World Looks On in Adoration

The giant panda Xin Xin ate some birthday cake yesterday while one lucky guy in the background had the distinction of being accidentally photographed along with the cuddly bamboo-muncher. Xin Xin and I were both born on August 6th (2005 for Xin Xin, 1984 for me). Interestingly, Xin Xin's gender is a mystery. The AP blurb accompanying the photo refers to the panda as "it" or "its birthday." Well, I decided to go where the Associated Press dare not go. That's right. I looked it up.

A quick jaunt over to Wikipedia's page on pandas revealed that Xin Xin is a female. Other popular panda names include Ya Ya, Shuan Shuan, Gao Gao, Mei Mei, Le Le, Ling Ling, Kou Kou and Harold. Bye Bye!

Researchers Find Link Between Sex and Sexy Music

Well, I found it too. It has something to do with the way they put "sexy" before the word "music."

I can totally understand what they're talking about. When I first heard "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles, I was overcome with uncontrollable urges to hold hands. Any hands. It didn't even matter. I was hand indiscriminate. I would have held the hand of an amoeba if it had one. Inhibitions were lowered! Moral degradation was imminent! Fortunately, I was able to listen to some more wholesome music before I slipped into a graveyard spiral of ethical ambiguity and destroyed values.

On a more serious note (maybe like a B-flat), I do understand the importance of monitoring what kids listen to and watch. Can we just come to less obvious conclusions in these studies?

Will you still need me? Will you still feed me?

Through the combined experiences of turning 22 yesterday and seeing a frightening infomercial involving scooters, I've noticed a few things about the elderly, particularly eldery couples, that amused me. Have you ever noticed this tendency for an older couple to be fully represented by the woman? Like, "Oh! We like Tom Brokaw!" while the husband just kind of stands there silently. Is this because he fully agrees with his wife's sentiment or could it be that any will to counter her opinion was crushed and extinguished long ago after years of tired struggle? I have no idea! But it's a common strategy for older couples, both on television (in the form of commercials, infomercials, and sitcoms) and in real life. Where are all the boistrous older married men? My guess is that the silent older men have it figured out. If they just shut up, their chances of receiving food increase greatly.

Email of the Day

"I noticed your tagline at the top of the page is now 'New look, same great taste.' Where is this new look? Am I just not seeing it? Also, how do you taste a website?"

To answer that question, I'm going to need some help from the audience. Alright, now everybody on the left side, I want you to stand up and look as reddish-orangy as you can! OK, good, good! Now right side, let's show the left side how it's done! Great! Now keep that up, but I want you to turn blue, like a royal blue.

See, that's what Caught on the Bound was about to switch over to last night. The marketing department even came up with the incredibly original tagline "New look, same great taste!" but I ultimately vetoed it after I saw it on a soft drink commercial. The revised edition that I personally created is "New look, same great taste." I decided to cool it down a bit and make a more subtle declaration.

As for how you taste a website, I have this to say: very carefully.

Thanks for the email. It's no Jack Canfield, but I'll take it.

Press Conference - August 4, 2006

Today's press conference is brought to you by the diphthong "ou." Putting the "ow" in "house" since the time of Middle English when it was "hous."

Fire torpedoes!

"Did you have to look up the spelling of the word 'diphthong?'"

Yes. Next question, over there please.

"Did Jack Canfield of Chicken Soup for the Soul actually leave that message in the CotB guestbook?"

We have no way of confirming whether or not it's actually him, but there is an established precedent. Back in January, a Business 2.0 writer logged a private guestbook entry to me clarifying the publisher of their 100 Dumbest Moments in Business (or something like that), which appeared on CNN Money. Michelle Kwan has yet to contact us about her frequent mentions on the site. OK, you with the stylish hat back there.

"Hi there. It seems that a lot of the posts on the site are randomly selected pop culture items. Is there a reason the site skews in this direction?"

Not at all. By the way, I'd like to take this time to remind you that Duncan now offers the ProYo. The rim-weighted, take-apart ProYo features a patented replaceable wooden axle sleeve and interchangeable graphic sidecaps for maximum performance and enjoyability. Remember, if it's not a Duncan, it's not a yo-yo.

"Right...when you come out of that trance look you're giving us right now, can you shed some light on why we even have these press conferences?"

No, but I can barn some dark on it. The real question is why any of you bother to come to them. Yes, the gentleman in the skirt back there.

"Woman. My question: where's Simon?"

He's in Boise, Idaho for an internship.

"No, I mean, where is he on the site?"

Here, there, and everywhere I should think. Hurry! We have so much time and so little to do! Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. *whistles for the Oompa-Loompas*

Going for a Dip

Remember Fun Dip? (see also: fourth grade crack) I always thought this pouched Pixy Stix-like powder pretty much got me through the toughest elementary school days. In fact, it even got me through a few middle school days, too. Sometimes, when the pressures of being a nerd got too intense, I ripped open the cherry and dipped the sweet white stick. In high school, there was at least one occasion where I dipped a few pouches before a test to give me that "edge."

This stuff was ridiculous: a stick made entirely of sugar being dipped into a pouch of flavored sugar. What so many kids like me never figured out was that you can go to the supermarket and get a huge bag of sugar for cheap (and you can even skip the stick). I guess the stick was what made Fun Dip worth what was supposed to be my lunch money. In third grade, there was a kid in my class named Jerome who would bring one of these pouches everyday. I'll bet he's in rehab now, but still chews on a stick once in a while. You know, just to remember what it felt like.

This has to be the stupidest post yet. Oh wait, look below.

The Post That Never Was

Chicken Soup for the Poultry Soul

These books became a phenomenon in the mid-1990s when Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen compiled 101 inspirational stories and essays into Chicken Soup for the Soul. There's a good chance that you have at least 7 incarnations of this thing around your house in book, calendar, cookbook, soft drink, DVD, or crystal methamphetamine form.

I decided to check in on this curiosity of the publishing world to assess the current state of affairs. What I found surprised me:

Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul

Canadians experience life in ways Americans can hardly fathom.

Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul II

You were redeemed by the first one, NOW finish the job! I would love to see Chicken Soup for the Apocalyptic Soul.

Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul

This one has the distinction of being a "bestseller" (unlike the Canadian one, curiously). When I first saw the title I assumed this was basically Chicken Soup for the Millionaire's Soul until I went "ohhhh yeah, Golden Girls!"

Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul II

It wasn't as good as the first one.

Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul

Inspiration in the pit! "We don't know how he won that race and saved his family from poverty, but we think it had something to do with that really fast car of his..."

Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul

See: Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

And of course, everybody's favorite:

Chicken Soup for the Soul NASCAR Xtreme Race Journal for Kids

Plus, throughout the book you’ll find inspiring quotes from kids, just like you, about what NASCAR means to them and their family and space for you to write your own thoughts and inspirations, too.

I think my work here is done.

I'm Looking Through You

I've decided to take a picture of the website's readers. Just stay still for a second and bend your lips into a cheerful pattern. Thanks!

Of Mouses and Mans

An avid reader of the site has pointed out an error:

In the last press conference, the word "media" should be the plural of "medium" and not "mediums" as I had typed out. I will allow this error to stand uncorrected in the post in order to maintain a sense of humility before the readers of this site and to serve as a reminder of the ways in which our best-laid plans often go awry.

This, of course, means that any other typographical errors, misspellings or grammar mistakes is completely intentional.

And all of you are in on it!

I was scuttling around at my local bookstore the other day and saw this book entitled "World's Greatest Conspiracies and Cover-Ups." Well, not anymore I guess! That book just destroyed its subject by being published. It's like when Prof. Farnsworth lamented a quantum finish at the horse races: "Noooo! They changed the outcome by measuring it!"

For some reason, conspiracies and their theories have a way of chopping the population in half: those who tend to buy into them and think, "You know, I could see that..." and the other half who think, "Well, that's great. Why don't you help me wash the car after you take that tin-foil hat off? Hey! Is that Elvis?! Gotcha!"

Perhaps it scares and fascinates people to think of the undetected machinations clanking beneath our society. Jerry Seinfeld once said that airports are a conspiracy aimed at getting you to buy a $10 tuna sandwich because it's the only thing available. The planes, the modern architecture, baggage claims (or baggage reclaims if you're in the UK)--all puppets on strings.

You know, kind of like how this site is just a bogus vehicle to generate megabucks in advertising revenue! a great place to hang out!

5555 Hits!

Because everyone knows that the more hits a website has, the more betterer it is at stuff.

Press Conference - July 24, 2006

Sorry, I'm late. OK, let's begin.

"Yeah, uh, you realize that you're about 2 months late for this conference right?"

I, uh, yes of course. Did you guys get some coffee back there? We gave them coffee didn't we? Do we still give you donuts? Tell you what, take my blog credit card and go get yourself a bagel and lox. Yes, go ahead.

"Hi, how do you explain your prolonged absence?"

I was in London for most of the time. The rest of the surprise sabbatical was spent sitting in the corner ridden with blog angst.

"Do they not have computers or internet in London?"

They do, but the shift key is smaller and it caused me to type like **~~tHIS a LoT~~**. It made me look like a 7th grade girl with a hot crush, a wall of friends, and a myspace account barely holding it all together.

"Wait, this is a press conference. How did you just express the way you type while speaking to us. What does "like this a lot" even look like? You're mixing mediums."

Hey, have you ever walked by an elementary school and wondered how a kid carries a 50 lbs. backpack when he only weighs 47 lbs.? Have you ever looked at a fire engine and thought, "why don't I just call my car an engine too and be cool?" If you answered yes or no to either of these questions, you've spent too much time at this press conference and not enough exploring the complexities of our world. It's a world where sadness is called blues and hearts can be golden. It's a world where the mediums are mixed all the time.

*about 10 minutes of murmuring and general confusion by press*


"What do you mean by blog angst?"

It's a lot like teen angst, but fewer slammed doors and improved self-esteem. Actually, you know what? Everyone....out. OUT. We're done with this.

The State of Denial: A River Runs Through It

One of the greatest things you can do is tell someone they're in denial:
"Tom, you're in denial."
"I AM NOT!"
"Oh?"

Alternative scenario:
"Tom, you're in denial."
"Yeah, you're right."
"See?"

It's always a right/right situation for the accuser! Tyranny!

However, Caught on the Bound Verbal Labs has found a way of beating this accusation:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"This doesn't look like Africa to me."
"Wait...what?"

I personally like this one:

"Tom, you're in denial."
"Who's Tom?"

You're Gonna Lose That Girl

Note: Ringo smokes

If It's Not a Duncan

Donald Duncan became a household name when he first marketed the yo-yo in the 1930s. (Shortly thereafter, people began questioning what exactly a "household name" was. Are there some names that are more appropriate for commercially-zoned districts?)

Although this is generally discredited now, it was maintained that the yo-yo was originally a deadly weapon from Southeast Asindosialaysiappines (or very close to it) and the world marveled at how Duncan had taken this device of assured destruction and created a magnificent toy. Duncan didn't exactly invent the thing, but he did add some taken-for-granted innovations such as the "sliding loop" which enabled the yo-yo to "sleep" and the butterfly cut which made the psychotic palm-drilling piece of plastic a little easier to catch.

I think the discreditors and debunkers are right: there's no way in Heffalumps this thing was ever a decent weapon. If National Geographic followed these hunters around you would just see 6 hours of tough guys untangling strings from bushes and smacking themselves in the face.

Remember that Duncan commercial from the late 1980s-early 1990s where that dude is doing all of those tricks with a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo? I always wanted them to turn on the lights all of a sudden: you'd see all of these bodies flung around the room in varied states of consciousness. "If it's not a Duncan, they're probably still crawling back to finish you off!"

You're Waiting for the Plan

OK, here we go. But before we do, let me pause again. This weekend, Caught on the Bound's newly hired staff will be unveiled. You will be happy to know that while my job remains in jeopardy, Simon will be retained in the shake-up. He will also be in charge of placing the requisite communications towers on any hill or mountain that does not yet have one. "Nothing can be that big without one" he said the other night.

So what's the plan?

Saturday July 15, 2006

The new faces on the staff will be introduced, along with editor's commentary and cocktails. (Note: Cocktails not available)

Sunday July 16, 2006

The first posts of the Caught on the Bound Summer 2006 Reboot

Monday July 17, 2006

Seminar for all Caught on the Bound Staff: "How to Avoid Not Posting"



So keep coming back, I still have plenty of posting left to do before I run this blog into the ground again in a few months!

How Does He Explain THIS Prolonged Absence?

He doesn't. Welcome back. And if you were actually waiting here the whole time, welcome me back!

After I dust off some of the cobwebs around here, updating will return to its normal inconsistent yet frequent posting habit.

Greetings from the London Bureau

More to come soon. Sorry about the lack of updates. Internet access has been difficult to come by lately.

Action Jackson

I continue to find more cool videos! This one is of my brother (drums) and my neighbor (guitar) jamming in the garage over winter break.

Note: YouTube is doing some maintenance work the last time I checked, so this may not appear or load at the moment.

Man Sues Over Mother's Day Baseball Promotion

From ESPN:

What a country: What do you get when you combine two treasured icons of Americana, baseball and Mother's Day? A lawsuit, of course. A San Diego man has sued the Angels, alleging that the team treated men and those under 18 unequally when they gave away nylon tote bags only to women last Mother's Day. The lawyer who filed the action has added a second suit on his own behalf, saying that he was unfairly denied a free hat during a similar Mother's Day giveaway by the A's in 2004. Where's Martha Burk when we really need her? We'd love to see a female judge decide this case and declare that if the men want to be given free gifts designed for mothers, they first be forced to pass a kidney stone the size of a bowling ball after lugging it around for nine months.

Notre Dame Gets Lonely At the End of the Semester Apparently

Papa John's Employee (female): Thank you for calling Papa John's at Notre Dame, will this be for delivery?

Me: Yes.

PJ Woman: OK, and what would you like this evening?

Me: Uh, a small, hand-tossed pepperoni pizza please.

PJ Woman: OK, and where should we have this delivered?

Me: ### Keough Hall.

PJ Woman: Hey, wait a second. Aren't you supposed to be home right now?

Me: Well, I'm staying here for a while more.

PJ Woman: (pauses) Why?

Me: Study-abroad program.

PJ Woman: Why are you still here if it's study-abroad?

Me: Well, I'm staying here instead of going all the way back to California.

PJ Woman: Why would you go to California?

Me: OK, listen. Can I get my pizza or what?

PJ Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I get carried away. My grandson went to Paris last summer. It wasn't study abroad though.

Me: I see. Actually, I'm going there for part of my trip, as a side-trip from London.

PJ Woman: They have more Pizza Huts there than Papa John's.

Me: So I hear.

PJ Woman: OK, will that be all?

Me: I think so. How old is your grandson?

PJ Woman: He's 14.

Me: Cool.

PJ Woman: This'll be $9.79 by the way.

Me: OK, cash.

PJ Woman: Thank you!

Every Room Should Be Checked For Cameras First

Note the deliberate mispronunciation of Paul's last name. Does any camera actually have a big red button that says "DELETE" on it?

Finals: The Quotes

Heard during Finals Week:

"Yeah, so I just called the prof on his bluff"
"What did you do?"
"I didn't answer any of the essay questions. Joke's on him!"

"There is no way I'll ever pass this class"
"Didn't you get A's on the other two tests and the paper?"
"There is no way I'll ever pass the final"

(Prof. to class) "The reason we give you finals is pretty simple. We're told to."

"And please, don't bring four hot dogs to the exam. I had to be harsh with the last guy who did that. Actually, don't bring any hot dogs at all."
"What if we have enough to go around?"
"Fine, minimal relish though."

"I showed up finals to my drunk!!"

"If ten is acing the test and one is failing horribly, I sixed out whammy style for defs."

It's good to be done.

The Essence of It All

With a school year falling fast behind me, I hope to be dedicating a little more time to this silly little thing called blog. Caught on the Bound will be opening a field office in London next Wednesday when I head there to begin what officials have dubbed the "London Summer Programme" for Notre Dame. The idea of this endeavor is to situate us in London for the summer in a programme to see how fast we lose money. Anyways, I'll try to keep up as best I can when not ding-dong ditching #10 Downing Street or recreating the Beatles' Abbey Road picture. One primary goal of this venture is to obtain a Hard Rock Cafe London t-shirt. I never understood the significance of Hard Rock t-shirts, but I suspect that there is none and that Hard Rock has succeeded magnificently in conning us into thinking that they are important and worthy of purchase. Anyways, I hope to dedicate a little bit more time to writing on this thing, which is, after all, the essence of any good blog right? RIGHT? Oh yeah, and I'll get the press conferences back up and running. Several members of the site's fanbase have lamented the dearth. V FOR VICTORY. and VENDETTA. and if you're Archie, VERONICA.

Nintendo: Always and Forever

See, that's just the problem isn't it? She's ALWAYS in another castle. Can't these Mushpeople get some informants? I like how this Mushperson's (Toad's?) face is fixed in a state of pixelated wonder as he ponders the dark void that had veiled him while you danced on the bridge dodging flying fireballs. His outstretched arms don't even make it past his head. "The euphoria stops here!" Mario's probably thinking "I'm shorter than TOAD." Little does Toad know that he will be recaptured eight more times and forced to endure the horrific imprisonment with nothing but vague anti-directional floating text to look forward to.

Mega Man. The one that started it all. Check out the box art. I assume this guy is supposed to be Mega Man, but he looks more like a drunken cosmonaut stumbling out of some Aztec/Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds fuzz world. No worries, though. We know this product is "State of the Art" and has "High Resolution Graphics," with a funky neon red "Grid of Tomorrow" behind the picture to sway any naysayers.

In a world...

Christianism

This piece by Andrew Sullivan in Time magazine sums up a common criticism about the state of religion and politics in the United States. I don't like to introduce anything too political or heavy on this site, but I thought this was worth sharing.

Belated Thursday Comedy Slam! - Gandalf

"His treachery runs deeper than you know. By foul craft, Saruman has crossed Orcs with goblin men. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Isengard. An army that can move in sunlight and cover a great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Ring and he's not going to stay for tea and sandwiches."

"It is in Men that we must place our hope. *laughs*"

"A Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run."

"The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. Go back to the shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn! You shall not pass! No, I'm serious. See the staff?"

"Gandalf? Yes... that was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Gray. That was my name. Wait, ask me to do a magic trick now so I can deny it and then "remember" how for you."

"The veiling shadow that glowers in the East takes shape. Sauron will suffer no rival. From the summit of Barad-dur his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. You see, he wears a contact."

"Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east. I will be hungover far beyond any other in this world."

"From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. I have since quit dropping acid."

Hilarious Link of the Day

Enough of this stuffed bear thing.

For some real laughs, check this out.

Caught on the Bound Reclaimed from Childhood Bear

(JAKARTA, Indonesia - Caught on the Bound Newswire) Eight hours after a pre-dawn raid rooted him out, Lonestar Bear was finally defeated and control of the site was returned to Editor-in-Chief Kevin Curran. The website, heavily scarred in the week-long battle, appeared to suffer no serious damage.

"This is a proud day for websites everywhere. To know that a bear attack can be overcome is a ray of hope in this dark world" remarked Curran in his typical over-the-top rhetoric. Staff writer and popular genius Simon Roberts was not injured in the attack, but remains in unstable condition. This has not been fully explained.

Lonestar was finally captured by Caught on the Bound forces as he fled the office, coming under heavy fire. Standing a full ten inches tall, the bear could do little to avoid the human foe. Mangling the popular cliche, Lonestar exclaimed "You may have won the day, but the night brings threats you do not know!" In retrospect, those reporting this incident really have no idea which cliche he mangled. Curran has implemented plans to prevent the coming of night, if necessary.

"He's no Winnie-the-Pooh" stated one staff writer. Others nodded their heads. "He's not the kind of bear to shoot a rainbow out of his stomach or drink Coca-Cola."

Lonestar was extradited back to the realm of imagination where he awaits trial under charges of "information technology abuse" and violation of Stuffed Animal-Owner Code 44b.

Uh oh

As you can see, the site has slipped into all-out chaos. THE WAR MUST GO ON. CAUGHT ON THE BOUND WILL BE RESTORED IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT.

Join the resistance! Leave comments in all of Lonestar's posts to break his will. His defeat is our victory (for everyone keeping score at home).

Hive

I will now retrieve honey from that hive that Kevin has pointed out to me. How foolish he is to point out a source of nourishment to me!

Hey

Hey Lonestar! Is that hive full of delicious honey over there?! My gosh! I think it is! You better check it out!

I Rule the School

Welcome to the continuing reign of Lonestar. You must ignore Kevin's thought crimes. Here's my impression of one of Kevin's stupid posts:

Coca-Cola! It is so common! Did you know that it has been a round for a long time? Here are some images I stole from Wikipedia! I will now regurgitate another bit of pop culture history and disguise it as authentic journalism by including stupid comments in between like, "If it's bubbles they were looking for, they should have looked at the one they were standing on when they decided to make Coke II!"

As you can see, Kevin is a fraud. That's why I have been restored to glory through this site. Thank you to all who have supported my reign as Supreme Chancellor, er, webmaster of CotB. And you're absolutely right. I am too cute to have sinister intentions. I am too cute to have sinister intentions. I am too cute to have sinister intentions.

Kevin is wrong

Kevin is lying. He let me take over the site for a week. Also, look at how cute I am! No wonder he's trying to destroy me.

Kevin Here - I Hacked My Way Back Into the Site!

Lonestar has the door to the Caught on the Bound office locked, but I was able to circumvent his ego and gain access to my site. For the record, I never "handed over the reins" to this jerk. He forced me out. Though he be but 10 inches tall, he is mighty. Anyways, I'm going to try to subversively counter his every move until I get my website back. Don't listen to anything he says! Is it common for people to get into epic battles with their childhood stuffed animals?

What a weird week.

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Lonestar Bear

I'm in charge of this site now. I'm making comedy slam my own this week. I am the funniest bear in existence. Dead or living. Twice. Here are some of my best quotes:

"It's come to this. People would rather have elves make their crackers than the grocery store."

"Instead of talking with words and coining money, I find myself coining words and hoping that money talks."

"I watched the Olympics. This one skier just lost his ski and I was like 'are you going back for that? How will you get it back? Oh, he's not going to get it back.'"

"Don't worry about this angel food cake. It's not angels, it's just what they eat. And now they won't have anymore because you are a gluttonous sinner."

"Some people don't understand my sense of humor. But I always make a point to ride with them to the hospital."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is also a stuffed bear. We had irreconcilable similarities."

"If I were a statue in a Roman fountain, I would have water coming out my ears."

"Machine guns spoil us. I'm sure some soldier misses the manual days when the bullets were heaved in 3-man teams."

"People always ask me if bears ever wake up from hibernation and go 'OH MY GOD! WHAT TIME IS IT? APRIL? DID I MISS THE MATING?'"

"I ran a marathon once. Worst week ever."

Editor Hands CotB Reins to Childhood Bear for the Week

In a surprising managerial move, Caught on the Bound editor Kevin Curran has decided to hand over control of the website to his stuffed bear, Lonestar, for the remainder of the week.

"I was kind of strong-armed, actually" said Curran at the weekly press conference. "It's a complicated situation that goes back to a deal we made when I was in 3rd grade. I will not comment any more on this topic."

Staff members are baffled by the brief takeover, but seem willing to work with the new stuffed editor. "I've heard he's [Lonestar] rather egomaniacal and irrational, yet also quite visionary" said one staff member on condition of anonymity (but WE know who it is!). Investigation reveals that this "Lonestar" could bring this website to either crushing failure or fantastic success. "I think he started his own religion at some point during the 90s" remarked another staffer.

Whatever the case may be, we're in for a strange week.

Quality Link of the Day

Here

Enjoy!

-Simon

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Eddie Izzard

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon."

"Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them."

“This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.”- On Martin Luther

“If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult."

"We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag? ... No flag, no country!"

"After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer... "Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh all-right. This one goes here and that one there... Oh we need the Falklands! For strategic sheep purposes."

“'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.”

[God to Noah] "Build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible"

“Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, "You're all bastards!", then "Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry..."”

“Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a... she's just a... she's dead, isn't she?”

"I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body."

My Car

John points out my new car on his fantastic blog, Obviously Losing. This car would drive me insane though, because I would never be able to solve the Rubik's Car. No pun intended on the "drive me insane," but now that I think about it, I should have intended because it's funny. Opportunity: missed. Ego: Shattered. Post: Finished.

"We turn the cube and it twists us." - Erno Rubik

Litany Against Fear

From Frank Herbert's remarkable sci-fi novel Dune, as recited by the Bene Gesserit:

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

I'm going to start reciting this the next time I have to confront "seafood salad" at the dining hall.

Of course, I would probably get halfway through and take away the drama by forgetting a word or something: "Fear is the little-engine, wait, no, the little-big horn...BLARGH!....the little-egg McMuffin? Screw it. Let's bring in the inner eye." Anyways, give this powerful stuff a shot.

Pipe Dreams

Is anyone actually surprised that the Japanese are the first to do this? After all, I'm sure everyone remembers this scene:

"It's called Famicom! We'll market it in the US as 'Nintendo Entertainment System'"

"I don't know, seems kind of...boxy."

"That's the beauty! All of this fun in one box!"

"Alright, I'm hesistant due to Atari's waning popularity, but I will still place an order for a million billion units....NOW!"

The rest is...future I guess. I remember playing Super Mario Bros., struggling to figure out how to get down a pipe (press down, apparently), and soon beginning to wonder, "What if I could smell TV?" Well here it is.

I know this isn't the FIRST time smell has been put in theaters. Notable instances include the Muppet movie experience thing at Disney World and maybe something else like that, but is this the first time (other than perhaps a novelty experiment in the 20s) that this has been implemented? Someone get on this and inform me. After all, it took me three days to figure out that pressing down would make you go down a pipe.

(Pictured: Game referred to. Notice the timer at 364. I call these "methaseconds" because they travel like 4 times as fast as a second. Methaseconds, in small quantities especially, are capable of making music tempo increase, which in turn causes people to make stupid "death" mistakes like running into a Goomba or hopping down bottomless chasms.)

Making Good Impressions

A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink

College.

The Pirate Plank Redemption

Everyone has some idea of what a pirate is. Not the Napster/digital underground/bringing down the RIAA/don't copy that floppy kind of pirate, but the pirate of the seas. During a routine pirate sweep on the internet, I came across an interesting detailing of pirate punishments. With punishments such as Walking the Plank, Moses' Law, Cat O' Nine Tails, Marooning, Keel Hauling, and Hanging, I can understand why so many of these things ended in mutiny.

My own experience with pirates is somewhat extensive. I had a Lego pirate ship, the Black Seas Barracuda, that I would sail around the house (always with a few plastic Lego sharks close behind) and pretend to capture other action figures. I also saw pirates on TV. As you can see, I obviously have a large stake in understanding these crazy sons of bitches. Anyways, good luck with your own pirate endeavors.

"FEMA report blames FEMA" - CNN

I guess the main idea behind this would be that FEMA is to blame, according to FEMA. This reminds me of those instances where people refer to themselves in the third person. You know, like "Jeffrey is not amused with this."

"FEMA is not amused with FEMA's inaction. FEMA will hunt down those who are responsible."

Kevin is now going to stop writing because he exhausted himself. Kevin says goodbye. Don Corleone says hello. Bob Dole is good for the country!

Press Conference - 4/14/2006

Thanks everyone for coming, it's been a while.

"Is it true that the site owns a hut in Tahiti?"

Yes, almost all of that statement is true. No more questions on Tahiti, please.

"Do the comedians appearing in the Thursday Comedy Slam have any idea that they are being exploited?"

They have no idea. However, we take great care to provide a flattering picture with each selection of quotes to give people the illusion that they're looking at a still image who is speaking the reproduced text. Does that confuse you? Well, it's an illusion. Yes, with the suspenders back there,

"How serious are you about the open casting call?"

Have you ever heard of that satellite radio service? That's how sirius we are. Actually, we've had a few inquiries that we are currently working out. Expect to see some new faces, er, names in the near future.

"That pun was terrible."

Read the text under the title, punk.

*members of the press mumble to each other in contempt*

Thursday Comedy Slam! - Chris Rock

"Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing."

"If a bullet cost $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders."

"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 10% of the population and 90% of the final four."

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."

"A black man failing black history ... You know fat people don't fail cooking".

"Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. When Bush started his job, there was a budget surplus. Now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're closing out your register and it's $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for that. Then he started a war? Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and you start a war with Banana Republic because you know they're selling better tank tops than you. So now you've got employees bleeding all over the khakis. Then you finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place. "

"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

The Sunday Limerick

I woke up at the hour of seven
And said "oh no!" this isn't quite Kevin!
So I rolled on my sheet
To find I was beat
And waited till it was eleven.

Email of the Day (Possibly Email of the Year Due to Lack of Other Contenders)

The following email was received this afternoon.

"Hey! listen, i think this site is superbs and awesome! i was wonderin if i can come and can come work for you sometime in the next future. i am fine at looking up articles and placing information in your lap!! i'm only 15 so don't tell anyone or they might not think of me very much! LOL! k, talk to you soon!!!

~~[Name deleted to protect the innocent. The very innocent]"

If this were on the Daily Show, this is the part where Jon Stewart looks at the camera with a deadpan stare and lets you write your own punchline. I'm pretty sure I would get arrested if this 15 year old placed any information in my lap. Needless to say, I have decided against this hiring. We have enough teen angst as it is. Anyways, see you in the next future.

Gliding Ants

I guess that title pretty much sums up this post. Here they are.

I wonder if any of these ants has stood at the top of a tree, ready to end his or her life, taken the plunge and then realized halfway though the free fall (or tree fall ha ha) "Wait! What am I doing?! I still have a family of 3000 and a whole world to explore! I'm not ready to die!" and then swerved back toward the trunk.

Update: Ants apparently don't have that kind of cognitive ability according to our biology expert that I keep on the payroll for just such occasions.

Update 2: Ants often have families larger than 3000 too. I apologize for trying to have some fun with ants. It was ill-advised and I regret it.

Update 3: I have fired our biology expert.

Open Casting Call

As everyone knows, Caught on the Bound is nothing without the people who read it. That's why I was grudgingly pushed into have decided to ask readers to participate in the glory that is this website. Do you have a bit of funny you'd like to share with us? Have you recently completed a spicy number of pop journalism you'd like to contribute? Send forth!

caughtonthebound(at)yahoo.com

(^This is my attempt at disguising the real email address from crazy spambots crawling the internet looking for prey.)

Topics related to any of the following will be given special consideration: Michelle Kwan, Coca-Cola, Captain Planet (not the Planeteers), and things that go "ehhhhh".

Fire away!

Thursday Comedy Slam - Jim Gaffigan

"I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'."

"There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough.' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're going to move!'

"Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, but when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers?"

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like stomach cramps."

"I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water."

"I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Biggest Wishbone EVER

Scientists discover giant turkeysaur. Remember how Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park first introduced many of us to the theory that birds might be descendants of dinosaurs? And how a T-Rex won't be able to see you if you don't move? Powerful, practical advice, that is! You almost forget he's fictional. Also, he looks just like Sam Neill.

Elusive 3480 Mark Surpassed - All Relieved

Papeete, TAHITI (Caught on the Bound Newswire) - Sighs of relief echoed off the thatched walls of the Caught on the Bound hut in Tahiti earlier today. "It's too bad I couldn't actually be at our company hut on such a monumental day" lamented senior staff writer and news editor Simon Roberts, a long-time employee. For several months, the site had eagerly anticipated the 3480 hit mark, only to be disappointed time after time. "It reminds me of that Cyndi Lauper song" said editor Kevin Curran. "The whole 'time after time' part, I suppose. Anyways, did we get anyone to check out whose sighs of relief actually did echo off the thatched walls in our hut? Because that's our hut."

Curran continued this rambling for another two minutes before Roberts seized the microphone and with it, control of the press conference. "We are proud that this site was finally able to get the monkey off its back. 3480 is a hit count that many aspire to, but few actually attain" continued Roberts, a 4-time high school academic year completer, who once stated in 8th grade science class that removing a book from the lab table would "enhance its aesthetic value," a comment that caused Mr. Evanston and the rest of the class to cast the popular genius awkward glances.

"I look forward to the next 3480 hits" said Curran. "Time after time."

Just so you know...

That post from April 1 about me shutting down the blog...that was an April Fool's Day joke. Not that anyone actually emailed me with a list of 55 reasons why I should continue the blog or accosted me in the hallway for failing to live up to my satirical responsibilities. I fully intend to carry Caught on the Bound into the next century if possible, even if that means using anachronistic technology to sustain it. Of course, once I get to the next century I'll probably slack off and stop updating because my biomechanical fingers won't be programmed for old-fashioned typographical input. Just so you know.

In the Hands of Destiny

A great Japanese warrior named Nobunaga decided to attack the enemy although he had only one-tenth the number of men the opposition commanded. He knew that he would win, but his soldiers were in doubt.

On the way he stopped at a Shinto shrine and told his men: "After I visit the shrine I will toss a coin. If heads comes, we will win; if tails, we will lose. Destiny holds us in her hand." Nobunaga entered the shrine and offered a silent prayer. He came forth and tossed a coin. Heads appeared.

His soldiers were so eager to fight that they won their battle easily. "No one can change the hand of destiny," his attendant told him after the battle. "Indeed not," said Nobunaga, showing a coin which had been doubled, with heads facing either way.

From: 101 Zen Stories

It was a good run...

But I'm afraid Caught on the Bound will have to close down. I just don't have the time to maintain the site. Thanks everyone for reading! Until next time!

An Illustrated History of the Breast Pump

I don't even know. The title was too funny to not post here. Slate has it right here.

Thursday Comedy Slam - Jerry Seinfeld

"How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?"

"I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything— which as you know, always leads to something— cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get the harpoon out of your chest first."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

"You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

"With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

"The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."

A New Declaration of Independence

Continuing with this week's soft drink-intensive posting, I'm proud to bring you the most ridiculous, hyperbolic product profile I have ever had the pleasure of reading:

In 2001, Pibb Xtra was introduced as a bolder version of the original Mr. Pibb taste. Its bold taste and graphics appeal to young adults who are looking to get the most out of life and the most out of their soft drink. It appeals to teens who are just gaining independence from home and looking for things to call their own. The soft drink enables them to have an uninhibited, fun and unconventional attitude and touts the sweet, refreshing bold taste they need to express their independence.

You'd think John Hancock signed his name at the bottom of this. There is someone out there that actually got paid to write this. I want to meet this person. I want to learn from this person. And above all, I want to be this person.

The "teens" sure get a lot of bang out of this soda buck. Independence! Possession! Attitude! I don't think I've ever needed "bold taste" to express my independence. Can other people taste it with you or something? "Whoa! Jeff seems so, like, separate from his parents! Did you smell his breath? It was so sweet and refreshing....bold even! I want to date him."

What could have prompted this manifesto? Did some Coca-Cola (Pibb is made by Coke) exec give a rousing speech at the board meeting? "I have a dream today! That one day my soft drink will not be judged by the color of its graphics but the boldness of its taste, I have a dream today!" Keep this in mind the next time you see independent teens chugging Pibb. Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!

Good night, and may God bless these United States of America.

Present!

Taking attendance has to be one of the biggest wastes of time in our lives. If you were to add up all of the time spent taking attendance in the world, you would find that it costs the world YEARS of time and a jar of nickels in money. Unacceptable. But even worse is the nomenclature.

In every group of attendees, there is invariably one person that will say "present!" instead of "here!" like everyone else in the group. This really messes me up, because, as I learned in childhood, the best response to the cry of "present!" is "WHERE?! It's not even my birthday!"

Everyone likes to play this little game called Not Here in class, whereby a person will show up and be physically present, but will go to great lengths to conceal the evidence of his/her presence in any way other than the roll sheet or attendance. For example, Susie will show up in class because it will reflect poorly on her grade, but then, when the time for active participation and hand-raising begins, Susie is a ghost. "Isn't she here?" "I thought I saw her come in." "Hmm, she's marked down as here. At least she's not marked down as present." There's a little bit of Susie in all of us, I suppose. Part of us that wants to be in class and the other part that wants to be outside in the hall saying, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not in class right now! What a drag! I'm going to the vending machine."

Michelle Kwan Mention Update

I know Michelle Kwan's cousin. Seriously. Michelle Kwan now extends her lead over two Planeteers and some other figure skater named "Dana" as the female most frequently mentioned on this site.

Embattled Editor Continues Posting Slump - Drinks Coke

Alright, this is getting ridiculous. One week after I said my sabbatical was over, I somehow managed to extend it. It all ends today.

In 1985, Coca-Cola faced lagging sales and a fierce challenge from rival Pepsi. After research and shooting the breeze in the board room, Coca-Cola decided to revamp its storied formula into...well...something a lot like Pepsi. "New Coke" rolled out and promptly alienated consumers who no longer found spiritual fulfillment from their chosen Cola. New Coke was a flop and that's why, even to this day, you will see the word "classic" appended to the Coca-Cola title on every can or bottle.

What if this had happened to something else? Like Pine-Sol. New Pine-Sol! "I don't know how I feel about it. It tastes too sweet." Or New Pez. "Hmmm, they don't fit in the dispensers as well and they taste too sweet." New New York. "It smacks of Futurama and tastes too sweet."

For several years after the switch back to Coca-Cola "Classic," New Coke still existed on the shelves until the late 90s in some areas as "Coke II." I'm not sure, but based on my own preliminary polling data, I don't think sequels are ever a good idea with food or drink. Or pets.

Sabbatical Over

My unannounced and until now, unaccounted for, sabbatical is now over. During the last two weeks or so, I left Caught on the Bound to travel the world and learn from its people. I got to New York where Jodie Foster swooshed by me on Broadway and that was enough of the world and its people for me.

Now that I have returned from my perilous journey that at times tested and shook the very foundations of my existence (knife fights have a way of doing that), I will now endeavor to rebuild this blog into the mighty power-player it once was.

After breakfast.

It's happened.

I've returned after spring break to this:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/soccer/03/09/bc.soc.mls.metrostars.ap/index.html

"Major League Soccer's MetroStars are being sold and renamed Red Bull New York."

A professional sports team is now named after a company. Yikes.

Editorial Slant and Bias Uncovered

I usually try to leave politics out of this site, but as a prominent bastion of journalistic endeavors, we feel it is only proper that we make our political leanings known. The following will attempt to outline our positions on a number of the issues that challenge us today.

ABORTION: Every child has a right to protest the introduction of a younger sibling to the family if said child is at least ten years old as this would make said child's teenage years "kind of a pain"

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: Caught on the Bound firmly believes that every university should use the following criteria for determining admission: high school GPA, SAT/ACT scores, quality of elementary school coloring assignments (did you stay within the lines? did you color a kid's face purple?), knowledge of late 80s and early 90s cartoons, passages from the Qur'an, and moral fiber.

BUDGET and TAXES: Money is the root of all evil. Abolish both. Everyone gets weekly allowance. Don't blow it all on jawbreakers and comic books.

DEATH PENALTY: Replace death penalty with national penalty box. Cops will then have a power play in which to round up higher numbers of criminals. This gives the wrongly-imprisoned a chance to get back in the game if the cops can't capitalize. It also doesn't make any sense when you think about it.

EDUCATION: Leave every child behind. Whoever is still there when you get back will really want to learn.

ENVIRONMENT: We're for it.

FOREIGN RELATIONS: Abolish all weapons. Start everything over and give each country one gun and a single bullet. Countries may alternatively opt to be given a He-Man Power Sword. Choose wisely!

FREE SPEECH: Start charging speech-tax of 10 cents-per-controversial word. Controversial words will be determined by a panel of American grandmothers, San Francisco residents, and Mr. T.

GAY RIGHTS: Live and let love.

GUNS: See FOREIGN RELATIONS. One gun per country. Up to Congress as to who gets to use it and when.

HEALTH CARE: We are opposed to health care. To quote Brian Griffin of The Family Guy, "I'm not going to call an ambulance this time, because if I do, you'll never learn."

IMMIGRATION: Every immigrant has a Constitutional right to be illegal. However, they will be deported if they are.

INTERNATIONAL TRADE: Return to barter system. Let's cultivate a global culture of "doing favors" and "backscratching."

SOCIAL SECURITY: Seniors get Kevlar vests in addition to increased national allowance. Just don't spend it all on denture-breakers and comic books.

WOMEN: Yes.

Gumming Up the System

Apparently, some kid at the Detroit Institute of Art stuck a wad of gum (Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice) on Helen Frankenthaler's "The Bay," a work valued at $1.5 million.

Based on my extensive experience with middle school as an institution; possession, chewing or the sticking of gum anywhere is generally one of the most severe misbehavioral predicaments you can get yourself into, somewhere between standard ink-based graffiti and bomb threat. Which means this 12-year old kid must have known he was playing with FIRE. Of course, the museum staff has had the wool pulled over their eyes:

"Even though we give very strict guidelines on proper behavior and we hold students to high standards, he is only 12 and I don't think he understood the ramifications of what he did before it happened"

Gum on "The Bay" today perhaps, but where will that gum be next time? What if he gets a hold of some Bubble Yum or, God forbid, Bazooka Joe?

Then again, as I look at the painting (to your right), I can kind of see how "maybe" this was misinterepreted as a rogue tile in the wall just begging to have something stuck to it.

The Power Is Yours!

Captain Planet! This guy was like Earth on steroids. Remember the opening sequence? It went something like this:

Our World is in peril!

Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth is getting really pissed! So she sends five magical rings to five special young people:

And then we are of course introduced to Kwame from Africa, etc. Ma-Ti had the power of "heart" which I still contend is an underrated power. Anyone who has a ring that makes a monkey suddenly run across the screen obviously has some stature in the environmental-superhero world. It's true! Kwame gets that big earth displacement thing, Wheeler makes metal melt and fly at you with his fire ring, and that Soviet girl makes trash fly around with a tornado (I'm still trying to figure out how trash flying around is good for the environment...).

Captain Planet himself was incredible. The dude had blue skin and green hair, and most importantly, no shame in wearing tights. His personality was kind of a cross between Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a garbage man. "WHOA! Looks like someone forgot to take out the trash! *tosses toxic offenders into dumpster*" If people are wondering why the environment is being destroyed, it's because kids aren't watching this anymore.

Don't nobody F*** with the PLANET.

The Rules of Calvinball

Several people have sent this to me now, and as a true fan, I must post it: The Rules of Calvinball

My own experience with the game has been tumultuous. One game I was involved with ended abruptly two minutes into playing when someone questioned the masks. According to the rules, no one is allowed to question the masks. I tried to declare them questionable by way of a new rule, but the damage had been done. Although the game is defined by ever-changing rules, there are some hard and fast principles that always apply. Just like life.

For more Calvinball rule theory and zone declaration studies, consult the above link. Why there is no institute for this at major universities, I have NO idea.

Figure Skating Falling Down

Paul Wylie, 1992 Olympic silver medalist and, with partner Dana Graham, 1980 U.S. junior pairs national champion speaks out about falling:

In pairs in Paris in 1980 I was doing a lift, and when I put [Dana] down, her toe picks dug into the ice. She pitched onto her knees, and I fell on top of her. We were skating to the song Somewhere from West Side Story, and after a fall you can lose your place in the program. As we were getting up, Dana asked, "Where are we?" "In France," I said.

In conclusion, Michelle Kwan. (She has to keep her lead as most frequently mentioned woman on the site)

Burger King Bag Bagglers

Burger King is getting a little too smart for me. I was walking back to my dorm after stopping at the fine dining institution to get some food to go, when I noticed that the bag had a box of text on it. It read:

OFFICIAL Baggler Procedure

French fries that have attempted to escape from their container only to strand themselves in the bottom of the bag are called "bagglers." Bagglers are fair game. The first to open the bag and retrieve the baggler gets to eat the baggler. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to be the keeper of the bag.

Burger King has been on this kick lately. They celebrate the finer idiosyncrasies of fast food dining to presumably remind you of all of those little nostalgiac feelings you get when you venture into the grease pit. For example, I'll never forget the rush of excitement I got when I spilled ranch dressing all over my pants at the airport McDonalds while eating my chicken McNuggets last month. This is called a "ranch spill" and it is not fair game. It is unfair game. It made me look like an idiot drying my pants off with that airport automated dryer. Therefore, it is in one's best interest to not get dips and sauces in little plastic containers that are prone to spontaneous rupture or spillage.

I think the Burger King executive meeting must have went something like this:
"Hey, Bill! Did you think of a new text box for the bag yet?"
"Yeah, you know those fries that fall out in the bag?"
"No, I don't actually EAT at our restaurants!" *mixed laughter from around the room*
"Well, I heard that it happens. We should call them bagglers."
-Silence-
"Uh.....ok, maybe not bagglers....fallen fries?"
"Bagglers. I like that. It's funny. It tickles me. Meeting adjourned."

I think they just like saying "baggler." They should go the Starbucks route and slap some interesting/controversial quotes on cups as conversation starters instead of informing you of the rules and traditions of fast food dining. Imagine this, you sit down with your BK Double Whopper with Bacon and see this on your cup: "Mad cow disease is a myth perpetuated by KFC and Long John Silver. Discuss."

On second thought, I'll take bagglers.

Good thing Bush is on top of it

I feel so safe now! Thanks President Bush!

Regarding the port security "issue":

"People don't need to worry about security." -Bush

Well...at least he's looking out for us.

-Simon

Where Have You Been?

Criminal Mastermind Sandiego Apprehended

CAIRO, EGYPT (Caught on the Bound Newswire) - Criminal mastermind Carmen Sandiego was apprehended yesterday by Caught on the Bound senior staff members shortly before dawn Wednesday in Cairo, Egypt.

"She is insane" said one officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. "It's like she moves from place to place with just the tap of a keystroke!"

Sandiego had been leading a complex underground criminal network for a number of years, often roping children into her schemes, an offense punishable by timeout in the corner in most countries.

"She was easy to spot though. I saw that red fedora hat and trenchcoat and immediately knew I was dealing with the one and only" said Timmy Stephens, age 8, who assisted in the capture with his quick thinking and knowledge of MS-DOS. "I also picked up some cool facts about history and geography! Did you know that Thailand used to be called Siam?"

Caught on the Bound news editor Simon Roberts confirmed Timmy's claims, while others remained skeptical of Sandiego's numerous, albeit illegal, contributions to academia.

"I think she's a punk. Siam? Give me a break kid. Speaking of Siam, I'm about ready to go after those damn Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp. They roughed up Lady pretty good. God bless Tramp" rambled Caught on the Bound editor Kevin Curran in what appeared to be another bout with foaming stupor. "We are happy to have had a role in catching Carmen," Curran continued, "but we have to make sure she doesn't try to escape. What's next? 'Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?" A chorus of laughs ensued as everyone brushed off such a ridiculous speculation.

Figure Skating Not A Sport?

That's Dan Wetzel's take. I'm inclined to agree with him, and this really does raise a lot of questions about "competitive activities." Wetzel has some good points, but I took an interest in this bit toward the end of the article:

This creates a bizarre paradox where something like curling is a sport and figure skating isn't, even though to compare the level of necessary athletic ability is comical. But it is what it is. You have to be a stunning athlete to compete in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest but that doesn't make it a sport.

This is where I see a thin line between skill and athleticism. Shouldn't something like bean-bag toss then be considered a sport? If curling is a sport, bowling has a claim too. What about beer pong? The physical demands of that game can drop you to the floor. Dan Wetzel makes a lot of sense, but he's turned my world upside-down. I don't know the classification of anything I'm doing now! Is this website a hobby, leisure-activity, or display of typing prowess? Can it be some of those, but not all? All but not some? Some for all and all for none? All for one and one for all? Sports are becoming an SAT math problem with overlapping circles and Venn diagrams. Nothing in this world can be labeled anymore! I'm going to resign from language for the day. To me, figure skating will be an "ice occurrence" and nothing more.

(Photo: This woman is apparently the Michelle Kwan of figure skating.)
(Caught on the Bound Fact: Michelle Kwan has now become the most frequently mentioned woman on the site.)

Even more fun

Dick Cheney hunting game.

-Simon

Think you know the 50 states?

Then try this fun game and practice your states: http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/states_experiment_drag-drop_Intermed_State15s_500.html

It's a good time.

I got 88% on my first try. Post your score in a comment.

Kevin...didn't you win a Geography Bee one time? I expect no less than 100%.

-Simon

Death Warrant for Full Lyric Posting

You've seen it on network TV. You've seen it on the streets. Actually, you haven't, but I figured that would be a good hook. You DO see what I'm talking about on AIM profiles, away messages, blogs, livejournals, xangas, dillywoppers, bungalows, and billabongs though. Strike the last four.

Lyrics.

Lyrics are an important thing to many people. They give music a texture that often tickles us and makes us say things like "I can partially agree with this artist about the emotional state one experiences after breaking up with someone" or "I totally get what they're saying about hope." I think lyrics are great too. They can mean different things to different people. Maybe they catch you at a moment when you needed them. Maybe they shock you into emotional arrest. Whatever they do, most people enjoy the musical poetry they create.

But I hate it when people will post an ENTIRE readout of the lyrics to a song. Quoting choice lines or stanzas is cool, but why is it necessary to post the entire damn thing?

While you exalt this spectacle, the rest of us, especially those who haven't heard the song, are left perturbed by your poor lack of judgment. Does anyone (please tell me if you do) ever actually sit there and read through the LYRICS of an entire song and make up their own melody to match it? I just get annoyed and wonder why I'm reading the same line over and over in the chorus (which is usually written out again and again). It's even worse when the lyrics are something like "JET! Whooooooohoooo hooooo!" or "Sha la la la la la la la la la la la la la dee da."

So please, the next time you feel the urge to slap an entire ream of lyrics down, consider the pain you may cause. Consider quoting things other than "Woooo oh oh wild heart!" That should do it.

This concludes my misguided crusade against full lyric posting.

Google'd!

We've hit it bigtime. We're on Google.

Apparently, if you search for "Machines will never conquer mankind" (with the quotes), we are the only result. Out of 8 billion+ webpages, we are the only ones that offer such technological predictions of the future.

-Simon

The News on Mute

Watching the Olympics last night and the news came on with the day's top stories.

The screen had these three images on it:











Unfortunately we had it on mute. Apparently Dick Cheney was in a plane trying to shoot Michelle Kwan so the French figure skater could win, but then his plane crashed into a house.

Got a better story? Post it in comments.

A History of Ventures

Caught on the Bound is just the latest in a series of ventures that Simon and Kevin have been involved in since their first meeting over chess at the age of 12/13. One inquiring reader wanted to know what else we're responsible for, so here it is:

-Foiled plot to attend Oxford on rowing scholarships (1997)
-Drafting of plans for magnetic cannon, a type of railgun that we were convinced would work; testing incomplete (1999)
-Drafting of plans for a perpetual motion machine; scoffed at by 8th grade science teacher Mr. Evanston; later reached settlement whereby Mr. Evanston would receive 1/100 of 1% of our profits if machine is developed (1999)
-Founding members, along with several other distinguished personalities, of Model Rocket Club, Las Flores Middle School; also founding dissolvers of club (1999)
-Famed website/blog IKWITA (2003)

As soon as we can gather the mostly classified intelligence, joint ventures with Brian, Barcelona Bureau Chief, will be released.

C2K Bug Strikes!

When I VPN'ed into the Blogger mainframe today for the hourly Caught on the Bound "Back those files up", I noticed the firewall had been disrupted by the TCP/IP communication link due to the aforementioned 2,000 hit. It seems the XML's abstract data packet could not be translated through the hypertext transfer protocol. I tried dialing in through our remote hook-up and routing the DNS servers through our Australian mirror site, and that seems to be keeping Caught on the Bound functioning while I look for a more permanent solution.

Thanks a lot, popularity.



EDIT- Turns out I just needed to restart the computer. Disregard that mumbo-jumbo. Lesson here: Try restarting.

Potentional C2K Bug Looms for CotB

With our counter rapidly approaching the 2000 mark, Caught on the Bound technicians have braced themselves for what could be the stupidest fear ever felt. Whoever hits this thing to 2000 will be held responsible for all havoc wreaked. We will find you. I don't know how, but we'll find you. And when we do, Simon will introduce you to Mr. T, who will then introduce you to PAIN.

Standing Up

Last night provided me with one of the more harrowing experiences of my life when I performed stand up comedy for the first time. While I didn't majorly screw up or go stoned-faced, I noticed a lot of things on stage that you wouldn't even think of in preparation. The way certain people look at you, the lighting, the way your breath can make a "boom" in the microphone when you aren't even trying to, or even a random cough can send your mind into dizzying fits of confusion. I was able to avoid this, but I couldn't help but think how close to failure you always are on stage. I felt comfortable the whole time, but having that in the back of your mind is a rush.

One odd observation that I had, that wasn't part of my act, was how all of the jokes that the comedians laughed at in the workshop fell flat, while all of the jokes that the audience laughed at, the comedians told me to consider cutting out! The search for a happy medium begins. I decided not to go up there and tell surefire, sure-laugh dick jokes, but it seems that a lot of crowds for stand up comedy really expect that. I shouldn't have to tailor my act to the audience while compromising my own sense of humor, but I can see a lot of ways to improve the act now. You have to try this sometime. It's nuts. It's like stationary sky-diving.

As my brother would often say at Baskin Robbins, "Give me a Wild N' Reckless, two scoops, twice, with sprinkles."

Press Conference - 2/8/06

Sorry I'm late everyone. You've been most patient. Especially that guy in the hospital. Yeah,

"I've noticed that a lot of the posts on here are really just thinly-veiled pop culture explorations with little insightful commentary or purpose. How do you account for this travesty of modern dialectic?"

Alright, let's not lose our heads here. I'm looking at you, Headless Horseman. Seriously, uh, there's been so much going on. Lots of staff shakeups, scandal, and college going on. If you cut us a little slack, we'll stop slacking ourselves.

"I question Simon's credentials."

You are a FOOL! As was said about Baron Samedi in the James Bond movie, "Live and Let Die," so too does it go for Simon: "the man...cannot die." Simon is impeccably qualified and is truly what I like to call a "popular genius."

"I liked the post on Planet X, but how likely do you think it is that it will actually be named that? You know it'll probably be named U232-06 or something."

Yeah. I don't know. I'm calling it Planet X.

"Where does the name 'Caught on the Bound' come from?"

I'll get to that later this week.
*tries to make quick exit and leave, only to find that door is locked*
"I was trying to escape, but it didn't work!"

Good article about Detroit

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10810997/#060203

On Detroit.

Super ads

What was your favorite ad?

I enjoyed the FedEx caveman one, the Sprint "crime deterrent" one, the Michelob Amber one, and the Bud Light ones: here, here, here, and here.

Leave a comment with your favorite.

-Simon

1984 Parody

An updated parody of the previously posted commercial.

1984

I was still eight months away from birth at the time, but in January of 1984, a Super Bowl ad aired that would change us all. Now, twenty-two years later, it is only right that we look back at Apple's "1984" and recognize that, well, Microsoft didn't really have good commercials. Bill Gates was probably watching the Super Bowl with some friends, but then explicated "SH**!" when he saw this. Actually, everyone probably said the same thing when they realized that this new Mac would have a whopping 1 MB of RAM and no internal hard drive.

If you were a toaster...

I would greet you everyday with "Hey slots!"

OK, I just wanted to clarify that we should be getting back to our regular posting schedule (that is, fewer fluff pieces and more hard-hitting expose's like that...well, I'll get back to you on that). I also want to take this opportunity to thank Simon for boldly asserting control over this site while I was in exile. Additionally, the editor came across a work submitted by our Barcelona Bureau Chief in his email inbox, but somehow didn't post it in the no computer confusion. For this we are truly sorry. Yours till the kitchen sinks....

Outrageous Super Bowl Bets

I'm putting my money on calling heads and expecting tails:

Super Bowl "prop" bets

Nomadic Post II

Well, I've made camp here at the Debartolo Computer Cluster on campus. It's nice. Good lighting. That sort of thing. The two desk workers here keep glaring at me though. One of them looks like she's ready to come over here and kick my computer. Someone knows something about me. This could be it. This could be the time they get me. Maybe she knows I'm writing about her. OK, she IS walking over here. Uh....

Bye!

Is nothing sacred?

The Kentucky Derby has a sponsor. Look for "The Kentucky Derby sponsored by Yum Brands" from Churchill Downs on the first Saturday in May.

That's the Yum Brands that owns KFC, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and various combination establishments serving Kentucky Fried Tacos and Los Grande Stuffed Crust Pizza with Guacamole and a side of Potatoes.

I'm looking forward to the horses being sponsored. Just imagine:

"In Gate 7, Better Not Break My Leg, sponsored by Elmer's."

Planet the Xth

It looks like there might be a little more pressure on the International Astronomical Union to recognize what could very well be the tenth planet in our solar system. My question: how did we discover distant galaxies, far-off stars, quasars, black holes, and the Borg all before we spotted this sucker in October of 2003?

I have to admit, I get very excited about news that seems to fly in the face of stuff I learned in 3rd grade. When I was nine years old, I was cut from a play about the planets of our solar system because I was 10th in line to sign up (true story). Understandably, I was hurt by this and since then, it has been my endeavor to fully endorse this possibility and any investigation into the existence of a tenth planet--a Planet X. Planet X is more than just a possible sun-circumcircuiting satellite. This orb contains within it every dream of mine that was dashed upon the rocks of despair.

When I see that artist's conception of Planet X staring off into a distant sun, the flashbacks of that fateful day haunt me still. So, International Astronomical Union, I call upon you to give credit where credit is due; to vanquish the specter of ghastly half-planets; to once and for all drive a stake through the heart of those who cut in line; so that I and everyone else who have felt that pain may know that we will finally have something to hold onto in this cruel world--that we may finally have our Planet X.

Nomadic Post

Well, as I shuffle from cave to cave (computer cluster to computer cluster) out here in the mountainous uninhabited wilds of having no computer, I've learned a few things:

-There is a lot of dust on my desk where my computer used to be.
-I end up studying a lot more with no computer to distract me.
-I tend to not do assignments that require files that exist only on my computer.
-Situations such as the one previously described are often causally linked to my pestering the Notre Dame Dell Solutions Center about the status of my computer.
-Dell Solutions Center employees, while knowledgable about some things, are quite testy with others:

"Hey, I was just wondering if I could get a status report on my computer"
"Sure, your name? [I give] Ooooooookay. They're actually working on it right now!"
"Great! When will it be ready?"
"Oh, I really don't know. The technician that's working on it isn't in today."
"Then how is it being worked on right now?"
"Oh, it's being worked on. It's on the workbench!"
"Well....I mean...."
"Yes?"
"It's nothing..."
"No, what?"
"Well, I don't know....I mean I have a hammer on my workbench at home but it's not being worked on"
"Actually, I think the technician might be on break."
"So is he is here?"
"Maybe. He's working on your computer"
"....when he's here?"
"I said he's on break."
"OK, cool, so he'll be back?"
"Not today"

Not today. Not today...

What is News?

Since Kevin's computer count is at 0, and mine is now 2, I'll try to pick up his slack.

As I commenced my daily news website scouring this afternoon, I realized CNN has quite poor perspective on what is important to the nationwide audience.

Here's a quick game:

Which of the following was CNN's lead article about 5pm EST today?

A. Coretta Scott King dies
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/31/obit.king/index.html

B. Alito confirmed to Supreme Court http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/31/alito/index.html

C. Bush prepares for State of the Union
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/31/bush.sotu/index.html

D. Ex-postal worker kills 5 in California
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/31/postal.shooting.ap/index.html

If you guessed D, you win. The one news item that really has nothing to do with 99% of us.

Thanks CNN.